Friday, February 18, 2005

Happy Valentine's Day!! You Are Obese!!

Since I got a gym membership for Valentine's Day, I decided an appropriate gift for my sweetie would be a scale. But not just any scale...the scale to end all scales. After putting in personal information, such as your age and height, this thing measures your weight and body fat percentage (by sending a surge of electricity into your body and measuring the density of fatty vs. nonfatty material). I thought I would surely get laid for this present. I tried it out and guess what? I am obese! OBESE, I tell you! Of course, the machine does not say, Hey Fatass, get off me - they have 18 wheeler scales for people like you and your thighs! However, I might have felt more comfortable if it did. Instead, it just subtly gives me my percentage and a handy little pamphlet. I think I would have prefered the yelling. The pamphlet reminds me of going to a family reunion and having everybody say you look great and then turn around and say, That Sexylovepits has gained an enormous amount of fat and cellulite. We should have bought another briscuit or two. Nobody wants to tell me I am obese when I am shaking my big ass on the dance floor to Polka music and unknowingly whopping my relatives in the face with my dangling armfat. I am out there thinking I look good. It took me buying a state-of-the-art scale to figure out that I need to put down the cheeseburgers. Bastards, I say!

4 Comments:

Blogger Chris Cope said...

Whoa. Come in off that ledge. Something tells me that a state-of-the-art scale might not be as accurate as a simple BMI rating (hey, my wife's a dietitian). At the bottom of this page, under "Health Interactives," there is a little button that pops up a Body Mass Index calculator. Beyond that, my wife points out that even the BMI can be an inaccurate gauge of one's health.

8:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, Crystal. I know it's been a few years since I've seen you, but something tells me that your not obese. Hell, I've lost atleast 80 pounds since you last saw me.

Are you and Brendan going to Rudz for my b-day on March 4th?

Ramon

10:37 AM  
Blogger noisy ghost said...

I think I've seen you measure a tiny dog and a huge frog by placing your flip flop next to it for scale.

How many flip flops wide is your butt? It seems like a more accurate measure of BMI and I kinda want a better idea of what we're talking about here.

2:40 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Chris! It says I am normal! My BMI says I am normal! Those are words I have been waiting to hear since the time I drank a bottle of Mop N' Glow when I was 4. You made my day.

6:39 PM  

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