Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Spectacular Glutelar Maximar

My ass is really coming through for me lately in the guy department. I got a phone number on Friday and he's already called me. Twice. That's right. Two. Times. And I have another guy who is totally turned on by the fact that I can smuggle small children in my cavernous armpits. Then there is another guy who thinks I am funneh. I like boys who get me. They rock.

HOWEVER, I am being picky. I don't know when I developed standards. Usually standards come during or after the whole self esteem part, but I don't think I have any self esteem. Well, from the title of this post, you may think I might be pretty confident. But. That's just my ass. It has a personality all its own and its own self esteem issues and its own standards. By standards, I mean this...

1. If you have ambition that carries you as far as I can throw your fat ass, I don't want you. Don't get me wrong - I love fat people. I just can't throw them very far. It's all about the ambition part and my teeny tiny muscles which make me unable to pick up even a bag of flour. I will not be working my ass off 40 hours a week while you sit on the couch in your underwear eating gobs of cheese and watching NASCAR.

2. If it is the second time we've met and you're already talking about cold showers, then you may as well get your hot water heater disconnected because I am not alleviating that for you. That's why they make sandwich bags and mattresses/box springs and vegetable oil. Just sayin'. I am not that kind of girl. No, sir.

Now that I think about it, they probably make sandwich bags for sandwiches, mattresses/box springs for sleeping, and vegetable oil for cooking, but if you are the type of person that goes to all that trouble, then...wait. How do I even know about these things? That's easy. Jackinworld.com.

3. No guys named Gary. I am a little lenient on this one, but God would be pretty mean to have a guy named Gary be my soulmate. I would totally call him something else though. Like G-Dawg. That has a nice ring to it.

4. Please be able to spell simple words like excited and dominatrix and orangefingers. I know I am not the best speller in the world, but nothing turns me off more than a man who can't spell a simple two-syllable word. OOO. And contractions too! It drives me up the wall when people write "your" instead of "you're". I know what you are thinking. I certainly have a lot of expactations for a girl who appears to be the sentence-fragment queen. However, we are not talking about my imperfections right now. We are talking about my standards and general expectations.

So I guess I only have 4 standards, really. But why are they so hard to meet? hmm? I am not asking for a rocket scientist here, guys. Gah.

I am a little interested in one though. He seems pretty cool, but I am terrified of starting something that may become a relationship. The word "Boyfriend" makes me want to throw up.

19 Comments:

Blogger The Grunt said...

Two standards are better than no standards at all. Also, imagine inheriting so many impossible standards that you end up crippled by them.

Cystal, if I were to draw a picture of the way you describe your body, that'd be hilarious. At least "Homless Caveman" isn't in those descriptions. So, what I'm trying to ask is, do your armpits echo what your ass is saying?

I'll go back into my box now. I wasn't in the mood for soup anyway.

10:36 AM  
Blogger Güggs said...

I've got no standards. I've got no bar to set. I'm pretty easy. In more ways than one.

Wait, does that make me a prostitute?

10:46 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Are you kidding me? I freaking love homeless cavemen.

I have to tell you something. My ass doesn't really say anything. If it could talk, I probably wouldn't be able to get a word in edgewise. However, my armpits are pretty proud of themselves, if that's what you mean.

10:46 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

no. because you aren't taking money. you are just a slut.

10:46 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Homeless Cavemen just came up in the world.

You need to sit down and listen to that damn James Blunt song that seems to be playing every damn location I go. As for the other thing, Ace Ventura comes to mind. (Oh, hello there Satan. No, God says I can stay a little longer.)

10:58 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

I say go for it, don't be afraid of the work boyfriend, just don't ever use it. I think after you are like 20 you are too old for that anyway. Just let things happen.

Vegetable oil, sandwich bag and a toilet paper roll. Just a rumour i heard... hahahaha.

Scott

11:41 AM  
Blogger roxie said...

Oh My God I think you are my Standards Soul Sister, I am the grammar police and I nearly find the misuse of "your" & "you're" a deal-breaker. Call me insane, perhaps I am because not only does my ass also have a mind of its own, so do my boobies. They like to pop out of my bra when I lean over which makes bra hunting especially challenging. For some reason neither of these traits is working at all for me right now. Apparently they're about as useful as a poop-flavored lollipop. rats.

12:58 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

roxie - i didn't see the period after lollipop. i thought you were referring to the ever-popular poop-flavored lollipop rats. yum, yum.

my boobs are getting there. they are starting to have attitudes - they get jealous of each other if one gets more attention from a man than the other one. i try to ignore them. in about 5 years, i am planning on lopping them each in half. we'll see how much they fight then. damn boobs.

2:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Crystal.....It's me Ramon. Thank God you have standards...and could you really be with anyone who watched NASCAR.....ummm, not the Crystal I know. I hope I'm not wrong.

5:24 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

You know, I may come across as a foul mind, but #2 threw me, honestly. I only know about "The Stranger" technique because of The Dave Chappel Show. I'm not getting any ideas, either. I'm a good boy. I can spell dominatrix and work 40 hours or more a week. BTW, yur yor is youring itself to yahr.

10:03 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Grunt. The Stranger technique? What is that?

10:05 PM  
Blogger Ashley said...

I share the same grammar, spelling and punctuation demands. Hey--it's really not that much to ask!!

10:25 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Okay, a stranger is when you take your hand, sit on it till it falls asleep, then you get your freak on with your "dead" hand. Something about not feeling your pig snout or schnitzelwagger makes it feel like you're getting it from someone else and not yourself.

I feel dirty now.

10:27 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

So does it work? It seems like a "dead" hand would feel like just that. Would that make you a necropheliac (sp?)? Or maybe, depending on how much actual movement you have in it, wouldn't it feel like some inexperienced 17 year old's first handjob and that seems like you couldn't enjoy it because you'd be worried about her being too rough and actually breaking your penis. The stranger can't be good, Grunt. You should try a different technique.

10:56 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Oh, Agness Leviticus Rectus!!! I'm checking right now to see how long it takes for it to fall asleep. Shit, I'm a dipwad. I honestly don't know the truth on this one, Crystal. I think that self love is so confidential. No one looks right doing it, either.

11:09 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Speak for yourself, Theodore G.

11:21 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

So when you put your ear to seashells, you're supposed to hear the ocean. What do you hear when you put your ear to your armpits?
Ahhh, I just cracked myself up imagining you trying to listen to your pits. Then, of course, I tried it myself.

4:42 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

the ocean? no. i hear a club. i have to be careful in meetings because if i move the wrong way, glow sticks and ecstacy may fall onto the floor/desk/boss' lap depending on where i am sitting.

6:43 AM  
Blogger Güggs said...

True that would make me a manslut. I think I have found my calling.

haha, word verification is "cowxore" Maybe someday when I truly reach my full potential, I can be a cowxore.

8:18 AM  

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