Monday, July 03, 2006

Here I Go Again...

So, as I mentioned before, I decided not to see any boys from the Internet. Most of the guys that contacted me prior to my profile change started their emails, Hello. I saw your profile and I feel that we have a lot in common. I know your cut off age is 35, but I am a young looking 60. I like romantic walks on the beach and candlelight dinners. I make 6 figures and I have absolutely no personality whatsoever blahblahblahblah. Who wants to date that?

Then there were the cut and paste emails that they sent to every girl. Those are wonderful. Sometimes I would receive the same email from the same guy in same week who forgot he cut and pasted his boring-ass email to me several times already.

So I changed my profile. This guy, Nate, contacted me. He caught my interest with the following response:

Crystal,I just thought I would take a minute to make an attempt at matching your profile with my own. So here we go, hope you enjoy.

I am an insecure, self-motivated, egotistical asshole who only looks out for himself. I hate walks in the park, thunderstorms, days at the beach (fuck a bunch of sand), baseball games, and most of all dogs.I talk about myself all the time because I am so awesome.

I believe that you should never have to buy a watch for a woman because there is always a clock on the oven.You couldn't pry the remote out of my hand with a jackhammer and I like foot massages while I watch CNN.

I stay out all night long with my friends and I never call to say that I will be late.

On Sunday morning I will probably roll over to you and offer the following words of comfort, "eggs scrambled, bacon crispy, pancakes fluffy, fresh-squeezed orange juice, and the newspaper, wake me up when you are done."

So Nate and I have been emailing each other and we decided to meet up tonight. I will let you all know how it goes.

Mike Update: Friday night’s date went very well. I will post about that later, probably. We have a 3rd date scheduled for Wednesday. I am starting to get nervous though. I’ll probably be getting rid of him soon before I do something stupid, like start a relationship.

I started another blog solely devoted to my dates, but I am keeping it quiet because I go into incredible detail about everything and I am sure most of you (not to mention my mother) don’t want to read about my sexual escapades. It’s not a beat-off manual, fellas. I tend to make fun of you as much as possible. I am also worried about what you people will think of me. I am a good person, I promise. If you want the address, let me know and I’ll see what I can shake out. I’ll only give it to you if you think (and I agree) that you can handle it and you are not going to get all offended and flip out and call me dirty names.


Blogger talksmart said...

blog hopping..and landed here. Great posts!

12:13 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

This is interesting. Do I qualify for membership to this new blog of yours? I won't flip out or swear at you, but I'm not saying that I wouldn't throw a shit tizzie or two and call you a meatbag--if you want me to, I will;)

Membership pending....

12:19 PM  
Blogger G-Raye said...

tell me where it is!!! i need some way to stay in contact with you now that i am no longer a houstonian!!!! however, i cannot promise that i will not call you names, i mean, you sometimes deserve them, yes? :)

12:42 PM  
Blogger Barry said...

This one made my day. I love to get a great laugh!!!

...3 dtaes 'before I start a relationship' - guess what - too late girl!

I already think you are bad and call you names now :P

12:59 AM  
Blogger Neal said...

I don't know how well I'm handling this blog, let alone an *explicit* blog. If the other blog isn't a beat-off manual, then does that mean this one is?

2:26 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Funny stuff. Hope that tonight's date goes extremely well.



8:02 AM  
Anonymous vera said...

Link me up, yo!
You can send it to my address on my blog profile...
You crack me up!

5:43 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

This guy sounds very funny to me; all the best.

5:43 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

good lord, i totally want the address to that blog!

7:18 PM  
Anonymous "Sugar Beard" the Bi-Curious Pirate/lumberjack said...

Arrrr! Despite my habit of looting, pillaging, and cutting down the occasional tree, I don't think that this pirate/lumberjack is able to handle the whole enchilada. Arrrrr, Blogger be a harsh mistress. I hear that it's an even worse feller. Use caution when navigating these shark infested waters, my lady.

The only thing you should worry about, really, is how many boat loads of men will crash upon the rocks heading your siren's call. Arrrrrrrrrr!!! If they give you any shit, I'll make them eat their own oysters and give them an exlax. The Super 8 camera I'll use to capture these moments will be a perfect touch for a documentry entry in the next Sundance film festival. "Men Crapping Their Own Testies While Eating Ice Cream", is what I'll call it. Royalties shmoilalties. I'm a damn pirate for Chrissakes, arrrrrrrrrrrr!

12:28 AM  
Blogger jules said...

Ah internet dating. The stuff underneath the pond scum at the bottom. At least you'll have great blogging material.

7:52 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

You crack me up. I would love to know about the other blog.

10:56 AM  

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