Monday, July 24, 2006

I Am The Master of My Cheese

I know. I am back and it hasn’t even been a week, but I cannot leave without letting you know who I am.

WARNING: GAY POST
This isn’t going to be funny or cute or even slightly clever, so go on now. I just have to get this out for me because I am a selfish broad, ya jive?

A summary of the past 6 months: Engaged and shacking up with this guy. He is: emotionally unstable, easily irritated and sweaty. For some reason, I BUSTED MY ASS to make the relationship work even though I knew he didn’t “get” me. I always like a challenge, I guess. He broke up with me in February. He told me a week later he’d been seeing a girl from his office. I cried for 2 days. Sacked up. Had some dates. Experienced life (and by life I mean crazy-monkey-slap-myself-in-the-face-sex). Experienced living independently. I wouldn’t trade anything for that. I have had wonderful experiences being single.

Except.

I recently realized that all this dating I have been doing is to distract myself from the fact that I feel ugly and inadequate. When your best just isn’t good enough, it is hard not to feel like everything is wrong with you. Don’t get me wrong, I do not miss the relationship (I definitely don’t miss the man). It was doomed from the beginning and I logically I know I deserve way better than him. However, I am pissed.

This is how I think of my emotions: My sadness is like cheese. I swallowed the cheese back in February, but I’m not digesting it well. Instead of taking the usual route to my stomach, it landed in my heart.

My sadness cheese is moldy.
My sadness cheese is green.
My sadness cheese is rotting.
My sadness cheese turned mean.


That’s what happens when you ignore sadness – it turns mean and ugly and bitter. It turns to anger. And I am pissed.

Believe it or not, I am usually quite sweet and I would give anything to shake this negative energy.

So I took these 10 guys that I have dated and turned them into projects so that I could learn how to be in control. I was bitchy and mean. Poor guys. I am an asshole. Then I woke up and realized what I was doing and, although it made for interesting blogging sometimes, I stopped. No more. I know I will not be able to share myself with someone else if I am not whole. I’m going to work on that.

Unrelated: I cannot stop thinking about mashed potatoes today.

10 Comments:

Blogger Vera said...

mashed pots and gravy!! something in the list i totally forgot about...
crystal, fwiw, i think you're a pretty amazing person and i think you just needed to let this ride itself out (no pun intended *wink*)...
i don't say that about many people, so don't like go getting all mushy on me! *DING!* that's why you were thinking about mashed pots! b/c you were feeling mushy!! mushy... mashy... mashed... mashed pots... damn, i amaze myself sometimes ;)
xo
vera

8:46 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

mashed potatos are much better to think about than breakfast sandwhiches, which happens to be what I was thinking about all morning.

Good luck getting everything right. It takes a good person to realize what they are doing and then make the steps to fix it. I hope you do come back to blogging. You crack me up!

10:55 AM  
Blogger Lady Jane said...

It seems to me like you've already come a long way. You were not happy, and are now determent to do something about it. I can only admire you, for your curage to face yourself.

1:01 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

Mashed potatos and gravy... hmmmmm

1:18 PM  
Blogger Logophile said...

mmmm garlic mashed 'tatoes
keep yer sticky cheese away from my smashed po.
And I think you'll be ok, girlie.
mwah!

5:12 PM  
Blogger Celeste said...

great post! As angry as you are, it sounds like you're doing well to have realized it. Admitting it to yourself is the first (and biggest) step! good luck on the journey to "wholeness"

6:54 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

You already know what I'd say, because I've already said it. Good on ya, chica!

7:23 PM  
Blogger G-Raye said...

I love you. You kick major ass and there is no man out there who deserves what you have to offer. And on a side note, any man who does not enjoy listening to the Chuck cd does not deserve to be a man....keep this in mind for future possibiliteis :)

7:45 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

it takes a LOT of work to be so self aware, crystal. some people never reach the point of knowing and listening to themselves. some people don't even care. but once you've reached that, or even touched on it, it can be the most powerful thing in your life.

i always believe that feelings need to be just that-- FELT! either that or they'll come back to haunt you. then again, i am a counselor, so i suppose anyone should take my words with a grain of salt.

i am incredibly proud of you, crystal. i see a lot of myself in you. after alan, i went through a stage of pure craziness... dating and being a total whore bag (wait, i'm not calling YOU a whore bag though). anywho it took a lot of time for me to realize i was worth knowing and figuring out. i was worthy of my own attention, that alone was a huuuuuuuge step for me!

good luck, girl!

6:32 AM  
Blogger jules said...

Oh quit it Crystal. You've been reading my journal/diary again, haven't you? Either that or you're the person on the other side of the mirror.

7:45 AM  

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