Thursday, February 15, 2007

What an Interesting Week

Saturday, when I was at Ryan’s sister’s house, I fell down the stairs and nearly gave his grandmother a heart attack. I was mortified so I lied to her and told her I didn’t fall. “I just dropped these bags.” Then I felt stupid for lying because she saw me so the next day I came clean and got laughed at. Heartily. Not by his grandmother, but by the rest of them.

Monday night I got one of those perverted sex calls. I say one, but there were several with some heavy breathing and a couple of “I’m so hard right now”. Ha ha. Very funny, Dad.

Just kidding. It wasn’t my father. I don’t think it was anyway. However, after the third call, I almost gave in. There is something sexy about persistence.

Tuesday I had sushi with Jamie and Steph and then went to Target where we ran into a guy we went to high school with. Stephanie made fun of me for getting a spray tan two years ago that didn’t turn out so well and I wound up having to wear turtlenecks and long pants in the middle of Texas July. I’d forgotten about that. Thanks for bringing up my insecurities. Wanna talk about how my lovehandles? How about my armfat? What about the birthmark on my back that people who have never seen a map tend to think is a tattoo of Africa? I hate you all.

Wednesday was Valentine’s Day. Ryan did a really, really great job. He rocks. Absolutely. He had a candlelight dinner all set up. He grilled steak and made some type of potato casserole and we put away some wine. Did I tell you? I LOVE WINE. It is my new favorite drink. I got some chocolates and a teddy bear and he is setting me up with a new remote for my car. I got a card professing his undying thirst for my love handles and armfat. Not really, but it was one of the sweetest things I could have gotten from him. Valentine’s Day rocks.

Today I am going to watch my nephew compete in a regional spelling bee. He is 10 and can spell your ass under the table.

13 Comments:

Blogger Clearlykels said...

Ha ha-- it sounds like an interesting few days. Glad you could get some laughs out of it. Valentine's day sounds awesome. I'm glad it went so well.

7:41 AM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

Someone showed you their penis at work in front of your boss? Or did I totally just read that wrong?

Glad you had a good V-day :)

9:14 AM  
Blogger Bram Davidson said...

Of course your nephew can spell "your ass under the table." those are five relatively easy words.

Not judging ... just saying.

10:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You did get my heaving breathing phone calls? Good, I wasn't sure I had the right number.

HB

2:38 PM  
Blogger ekki said...

Oh Crystal how make all the penises come out.

6:56 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

this makes my life seem so boring...

7:53 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

and if "boring" means that i don't get surprise penis viewings? i'm okay with that...

hmmm. sunday i had to be an "observer' for a mandatory urinalysis. i've seen enough penii to last a lifetime. and this is why i'm okay with the idea of gays in the military. let them do the observing.

7:59 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

unless it's me urinating of course. they should just trust me when i say "i don't do drugs".

7:59 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

"Your ass under the table" is not a word.

It is however, how I choose to remember you.

Sigh.....

5:37 AM  
Blogger Neal said...

The last penis I saw that wasn't my own was lying on a table in front of me.

10:27 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I want to hear about the spelling bee. Is there a post coming on that? It doesn't surprise me at all that men show you their penises. It is widely known that you are the lost princess of a magical fairy world. It has been told that he who dawns his genitalia to the princess will have up to three inches of growth and 80% more stamina. You are the Female Jesus, or Femsus, if you will, of healing erectile dysfunction. Somehow, lepers don't seem so bad in comparison.

Full of shit doesn't even begin to describe me.

12:23 AM  
Blogger goldennib said...

Um...

1:34 PM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

May we take this time to say that you are funny. Haha funny, not weird funny.
Also, we wish to hear the details of the penis viewing (the circumstances, not necessarily a description of the star player).
Unless it was mine, in which case I'm happy to talk about it at length.
(Didja get that? At length...)
Me go now.

4:06 PM  

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