Friday, April 06, 2007

I am need to be committed

I am starting to have my sex dreams again. I’ve posted about this before, but I’ll give you a basic rundown of what goes down.

1. When I am in a relationship, my subconscious will not allow me to get It on in my dreams. I will be in college again, at a party and some hot guy that looks like Ricky Fitts in white boxer briefs with cut, glistening muscles and blue blue eyes will approach me and wrap his arm around my waist and pick me up and carry me to a bedroom and throw me on the bed and then he will lean down and just before his lips touch my - “It was nice meetin’ ya and all, but I got a boyfriend!” WTF, Brain??? It is a DREAM. You can be bad in dreams. You can do It in dreams.

2. When I am not in a relationship and a similar dream occurs, we either 1) don’t have protection so we can’t do It or 2) he treats me like doodoofeces afterwards and calls me fat and throws ice cream at the wall so I will get out of bed and chase it.

3. The only dish washing dreams I have that I seem to actually enjoy (ENJOY ONLY IN MY DREAMS) are ones that involve weird men [read: Janet Reno] and sometimes they even involve women! And in those, I have a penis! The hell??? Then I wake up and I shudder and convulse a little bit and spend the rest of my day trying to get the image out of my head of Booger from Revenge of the Nerds pasting his pubic hair to my face with a glue stick.

Does anyone know how to realize you’re dreaming in a dream and make stuff happen? Because I have a date with Jake Gyllenhaal and I don’t want to dis him.


Blogger Anathema said...

Isn't a man washing dishes considered sexy? I try to wash dishes on a regular basis. In fact, I travel with a sink and dirty dishes just in case I come across a really hot woman that I want to impress.

I can't ever interpret my dreams because they always involve mirrors and a fun house. True story. At the same time I never dream about hot girls. My sex dreams always involve someone I've worked with before.

11:45 AM  
Blogger Chief Scientist said...

"... and calls me fat and throws ice cream at the wall so I will get out of bed and chase it."

Sentences like that are why I visit -- and maintain a non-sexual crush on you.

I never have sex dreams. When everyone weekend consists of orgies of unprotected sex with supermodels, sleep is the one place where I can get away from it.

4:18 PM  
Blogger Owen said...

Yeah...well, there is a method for training yourself to lucid dream, but i'm not sure it's healthy. Mostly, I think it is hilarious that you morally check yourself in your dreams. I do, or somebody does-I assume it's me--the exact same thing. Details spared, incipient good times in sleep which would be morally fucked awake impending and something happens--exploding rectum, lack of protection, mothers, babies, nuns, doesn't matter what--could be a chunk of old Dentyne, but believe that it will remind us of how wrong it would be if the dream were real...but it's not for God's sake....It drives me crazy. I just want to know, why the fuck bother to have these idiot dreams fi that is how they will turn out? But, I loved your post cause I thought I was the only person I knew who had such idiotic dreams.

7:36 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Sometimes I dream that I have a penis.

10:16 AM  
Blogger Neal said...

I had a dream about spending all day trying to buy a cell phone. Could I dream about anything more dull?

5:46 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I had a dream that I found a cave, a cave which turned into an underground dairy farm. Within that dream a pig pissed on my jacket that I threw on the ground. Why I was having a farm themed dream is a mystery to me. I'm thinking that if I didn't wake up that it would have soon turned out to feature the farmer's daughter, but oh well.

9:50 AM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

i've dreamed a number of times about reading a girlie magazine, but in my dreams i can never find the good stuff -- i page thru and find nothing but advertisements and articles -- nary a boob or a butt to be seen...

3:40 PM  

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