Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Maybe you had to be there...

I used to work at an oil company. The receptionist was a middle-aged milf who mispronounced even the simplest names in a high pitched whine that emitted such a frequency, it would make a def man desperately claw at his eardrums and run from the room screaming. She was also about as smart as a dead kangaroo’s scrotum. Why am I so mean today?

Anyhow, back to the story. We also had a vice president who was black AND a woman! Takes care of all the minorities right there! The other 16 VPs were white men, one of whom I saw at a party trying to set off the motion-sensored spotlight with his penis. Completely irrelevant, but worth mentioning. This woman was very sweet and soft-spoken (imagine that!) and had a man working for her we’ll call Jeb. Jeb raised possums. Jeb was incompetent (at his job – not at raising possums). Jeb was fired.

Later that day, the receptionist called on the vice president to inform squeak to her that she had received a package. “There is something wrong with this box! It is making noise!” (This story is much funnier when told in person by my friend, Steph, who can imitate everyone involved.)

When the VP opened the malfunctioning box, she discovered a family of live possums.

The president of the company emerged to find out what all the commotion was about and exclaimed, “This is totally unacceptable! Get my lawyers on the phone! We are going to take this guy for everything he’s got!”

To which the VP responded, “Mr. President, he raises possums. What exactly do you plan on getting from him? His trailer?? The rest of his possums??”

He didn’t set it off, by the way. Apparently his penis wasn’t big enough.

5 Comments:

Blogger The Grunt said...

Very funny. I guess a large ego and immense stupidity does not correlate with penis size. Maybe he could stuff one of those possums down his pants.

So, were the possums at all cute?

4:20 PM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

Perhaps the veep's problem was that he was using the incorrect technique for motion sensor activation via penile locomotion. (yeah, I went to college). In rooms measuring greater than 10X12, the correct motion should be the "grab the base, swing the penis in a rotating helicopter motion." (again, yeah, I went to college).

5:40 AM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

holy hell that is funny.
and way to stick onna story and not divulge into any tangents... giggle!

i didn't even know roos' had scrotums.

oh dearie, you are magical. thank you for the AM smiles, i needed them.

B

7:15 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

hi ho hilarious!!! I think I want that VP to be my new best friend. I like cool thinkers like that.

5:29 AM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

i think The Rest of My Possums would be a terrible name for a band.

3:34 PM  

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