Friday, April 06, 2007

Why I Am Obsessed with Being On Time

My mom used to tell threaten my brother and me, “If you’re not in the car by the time I get in, you’re getting left!”

We were at the fire station one day when I was about 3 – the firemen would save cold coffee for me in a big pitcher in the fridge and I would funnel that shit. That was a skill that came in handy when I was in college. Since I am old now I can no longer guzzle a beer in 3 seconds because it makes me puke and puking makes me helicopter fart. However, if I am drunk enough, I see it as a party trick and do it anyway.

Tangent #1, Bronx!

It was time to leave and mom yelled, “Hurry up! You’re going to get left!”

I jumped in the car and my mother drove off without my brother.

I immediately started flipping shit: You left Travis!

Mom (thinking he was hiding in the backseat): Well, he should have been in the car when I told him it was time to go.
Me, chin quivering: You left my brudder!!
Mom: Oh, well.
Me, sobbing: You hate my brudder!!! You left my brudder and you hate him!!!
Mom: He should mind his mama.

I sobbed the entire way home. I couldn’t understand how this heartless woman would leave her first born on a sidewalk in the middle of town. When we got to our house, my mother realized that she’d indeed left my brother at the fire station with all the firemen.

Good thing she didn’t leave him at a church with all those priests. Then he really would have been up shit creek.


Blogger jules said...

OMG I just spewed hot coffee on the screen. Dammit Crystal!

6:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Priests jokes eh?
Thats it... we're taking christmas and easter away from you. No holiday for you!


3:28 PM  

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