Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I should have changed my fucking lock, I would have made you leave your key...

I am meeting up with my girlfriends tonight for sushi. Our guys are having their Fantasy Football Draft Party or as I like to call it, Shit That I Don't Care About. I would much rather talk about penis sizes and shoes over wine and fresh salmon. Before I do that, though, I am hooking up with my best friend and we are going to play Gin Rummy - or as Ryan likes to call it Naked Pillow Fighting Involving Copious Amounts of Vegetable Oil. And Kissing. With Tongue. Steph and I are big dorks and we play cards once a week religiously. Back when we were both single, there was a period of time where that is all we did. No showers, no changing of clothes. We would pause every once in awhile to catcall some dudes, but the smell alone kept most of them away. We almost cut our hair off and bought a Jeep Wrangler and a big dog and strapped our breasts down with Ace bandages and wore chain wallets. But just because we were together so much. Not because she ate me out on Thursdays. Good times. Good fucking times.

In other news, I got an email from the crazy married doctor that told me he was single and lied and then tried to lovingly strangle me right before I told him to FOAD. He is vacationing in Mexico and wants to fly me there. What an idiot. I hope he gets dysentery. That'll learn him.

Also, my ten year reunion is coming up next month. Should I go?

37 Comments:

Blogger goldennib said...

I hated HS first time around so I'm not going to try to influence you.

Your doc sounds lovely.

Cards are fun.

11:56 AM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

Well I'd like to make all kinds of comments here, but I'm afraid I'd just come off sounding like a perv. I can't help wonder, though, if you say things like this in person. I hope so. lol. Now I just have to figure out how to "accidentally" run into you somewhere.

12:24 PM  
Blogger CruiserMel said...

Don't cha love girls' nights? I swear, it makes us appreciate the male form that much more. Or at the very least, it helps us tolerate them. Have fun.

P.S. Yes, go to the reunion. Hell, it will make for good blog fodder.

4:27 PM  
Anonymous Mom said...

EA--she says things like that in person. I wasn't a very good role model.

Baby, you should go to your reunion. I agree with cruisermel--it will make for good blog fodder. Besides, you can come home and visit before the reunion. I'll take you to Dairy Queen and buy you a dilly bar.

Or a dipped cone.

Love, Mom

7:45 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

I would love to read your response on a 10 year reunion-- you should go just so I can read the repercussions.

Me, me, me.

10:47 PM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

I didn't go to my 10-year, but I'm barely even "myspace friends" with one person I went to HS with (out of 833 in my graduating class).

If I go to yours can I get a dip cone too?

6:36 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

nib - me too. to take the edge off, i am thinking about bringing steph. ryan cannot go. but if i brought steph, everyone would think i am a lesbian. there is nothing wrong with that. and i'd have a really hot girlfriend, i guess.

e.a. - i prefer pervishness. bring it on.

cruisermel - you have a good point with the whole blog fodder thing. i will have material for months, i am sure. especially considering the town i grew up in where we had a daycare built into the highschool and saw someone get stabbed at 5th grade recess.

mom - anything for a dilly bar mom!!!! will you pet my hair too and let me watch MTV when dad isn't around?

anthony - if i do go, i assure you, it will be just for you. :)

tinyhands - i think you should come with me and tell everyone you're my retarded son. how can you pass up an opportunity to pretend you're retarded?

6:48 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

tinyhands - i left myself completely open on that one, didn't i?

6:49 AM  
Blogger j-me said...

HELL YES you should go the reunion! I will BEAT YOUR ASS with a f*cking dilly bar if you don't come. Should I "accidentally" disclose the location of the reunion so Effortlessly Average can get a piece? Go Tigers! ....and Tiger Tots. Poor babies, born to 14 year olds...

8:58 AM  
Blogger Ms Robinson said...

Crystal I was just mooching around the blogworld trying to waste time so I could NOTWRITE and I found you. Now I have wasted even more time being very amused. Thank you.

12:52 PM  
Blogger goldennib said...

Did you shut down your other site? All of the posts are gone when I go there.

1:51 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

j-me - i have a feeling that i will wind up going. no need to bust out the frozen dairy products! and i am interested to see exactly how many chillrens will be there.

ms robinson - no, thank YOU.

goldennib - i took down all of my posts. i didn't like it there anymore. it was all negative. so i decided to remove it. i am fickle though so it may be up again next week.

2:20 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Heck yeah, go to your reunion, you're hawt.

7:37 AM  
Blogger Sean said...

yes, yes. do the reunion. and talk about your card playing @ the reunion. should make you a hit.

8:55 AM  
Blogger Neal said...

I'm not going to a reunion until I am king of the world and can rub it in the faces of the jocks who kicked sand in my face.

3:00 PM  
Blogger jks_ said...

you are all successful now! just look at your car! i mean your old car...anyway, you should totally go. but if you don't, we all know you will still write some racy post culminating in hot, girl-on-girl action with steph under the gymnasium bleachers. so on second thought, don't go. i am sure the fiction will be an TT to reality's accord.

8:35 PM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

Whatevs. Seriously tho, I want the dip cone.

I'll come to the reunion as your date, but I'm telling everyone we're cousins. You're from the boonies, so nobody will mind.

6:58 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

jerk - hawt? i don't know about that, but i guess i should go just to prove to the people that i am not a muh-fuk'n weirdo anymore.

sean - and my 50 cats! and i will wear my winnie the pooh sweathirt under my shorts overalls! with my slouch socks! and my keds! fabulous idea!

neal - you could crush them now, tall boy. i mean they got nothin on you. have they ever had their cornea ripped off? i don't think so.

MOM - Look!! it's KYO, Mom!!!

Kyle - why you dissing my car, yo? i sure do miss you!!

hands - you're right. we will fit right in. especially if we pretend that we are married cousins.

7:40 AM  
Blogger Christie said...

Wait, doesn't your mom make you wear bonnets or something when you go to visit? Do you want to end up at your reunion sporting a bonnet and licking on a dillybar?

7:45 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

christie - i will blend in well. and heck! i may even find me a husbun!

7:49 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

I love playing cards, but no one will ever play with me.

8:51 AM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

Crystal -

I say you go just to prove you ARE still a mf'ing weirdo. Those are the best kind of people to know! I'd suggest you also dye your hair blue or pink and wear a shirt that reads "does not play well with others." Or wait, no. Wear one that has that tootsie roll lollypop kid on it with the words "the slower you lick it, the longer it lasts."

9:24 AM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

I'm glad that although I'm single, I still have the desire to shower.

Umm, what's the story with the Dr?! When did I miss this?

12:29 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

kels - i will play with you!

e.a. - ha! i want a lollipop shirt! i guess i am still a weirdo. but now i am a weirdo who hides behind normal clothing.

celeste - it was before i met ryan. i think i blogged a little about it, but i was so embarrassed for being tricked, that i didn't waste too much time on it. i dated a doctor and then found out he was married and when i confronted him about it he tried to tell me he was in love with me and started hugging me really tight. only problem was he had me in a headlock. i almost called the police, but he finally left and i haven't talked to him since. crazy huh.

12:41 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

celeste - here is the post that i talked about the married guy in.

12:43 PM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Men are total bastards.

11:58 AM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

What?! Not every guy is a total bastard. Some of us are only partial bastards. The rest is horndog.

12:48 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

celeste - they certainily can be. does hunter happen to have a hot brother?

e.a. - the horndog part can lead into the bastard part if you are not careful. that is why i always wait a full 24 hours before sexing a guy.

12:51 PM  
Blogger Yoda said...

That reminds me -- my ten year reunion must be this year!! Gosh, I didn't even remember. I think I'll skip though ... everyone else from HS is such a loser. Only a few turned out half-decent! Doesn't everyone feel the same way?

Married doc peeep!!

Eating you out on Thursdays ... LMAO! very funny :-)

8:45 PM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

Yes! Thank goodness.

My brother and I are going to travel together to Australia-- that is over 27 hours in transit. He better play some cards or it is going to be a long flight!!!!

6:21 AM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

Very prudent Crystal. I think 24 hours might be stretching the limits of caution, but to each his/her own. Personally I think as soon as you can remember his name without pause is plenty of time.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Ryan said...

I have a problem with flatulence.

9:50 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

yoda - i am a loser! but i am a loser with a very stylish haircut and my choice of pants doesn't imply that i am ankle-deep in a ditch lookin for some crawdads to wrestle each other.

kels - that is fabulous! can i come? if you pay for my plane ticket, i will card you the whole flight.


e.a. no need to remember names - i call all my men "sugarballs".


ryan - i wonder what gorilla farts smell like. bananas?

11:08 AM  
Blogger kari said...

re: your reunion... go, but make certain to have plenty o' cash for the bar. that is what got me through my reunion four years ago.

8:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

does anyone think porn is the only business still thriving during the credit cruch? I think many folks seek refuge in buying and wanking porn during the crunch

5:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

does anyone think porn is the only business still thriving during the credit cruch? I think many folks seek refuge in buying and wanking porn during the crunch

4:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Any idea how credit crunch affected porn?


----------------
killergram

1:26 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home