Tuesday, April 22, 2008

don't go mistaking paradise of a pair o' long legs

1. Karma is a bitch. Not only did the girl at work tell me that I carry my weight in my belly, Ham also commented on my beer gut last night. I am expecting Nikki to round the corner in her size 2 levi's and have a frank conversation with me about my obvious addiction to food and her dire concern for my health. I have been tapping my eye all day like Paul McKenna and even with all of that preventativeness and such and whatnot, I still want to rub a cheeseburger all over my FAAACE. Note to dudes: Telling a girl she has a sexy beer gut is NOT a compliment….HAM.

2. I watched Some Kind of Wonderful on Sunday. I used to love 80’s movies. I can tell I am a grown up now and that reality has calloused up my heart. First of all, Amanda Jones appears to be smuggling a brisket between her thighs. And she quite possibly could be considering her Doug shorts. Eric Stoltz creeps me out in general. However, in this movie, he is especially creepy because all he does all day is stare at Amanda Jones and draw pictures of Amanda Jones and talk about Amanda Jones and be a big pussy the strong silent type when Hardy Jenns honks the horn in his face. I guess back in the day, I thought it was sweet that he was so in love with her. Now, I see it as a mental health issue. It’s gross.

Mary Stuart Masterson irritates me, but she does lick off a couple of good lines that I am saving for appropriate times “better to swallow pride than blood, man” and “get your skag and let’s go” and “oh, you want to start a book club with her?”. I appreciate her wit but not her headbands. She will always be Joon to me forever in my heart.

Anyway. I know I am getting all geriatric now because if my son spent his entire college savings on some disngenuous cum dumpster who barely gave him the time of day and then told me “I’m 18! When does my life become mine?”, I would promptly beat his ass. I mean, he doesn’t have a clue! Do you know how many cans of tuna make up a pair of diamond earrings??? No concept of money, the youth these days. No concept at all. The acting in the movie was horrible and melodramatic and totally made me cry at the end. I think I have my period or something.


Blogger Eric said...

That one was a crappy one....
and june was way hotter than that skank.....

but I digress.... He only had like 2 grand for College.. No wonder he never made it... He should have had Cher talk to his dad....

10:57 AM  
Blogger Eric said...

.... And.... Who CAN'T beat the crap out of Craig Shaefer.....

12:16 PM  
Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I have a girl crush on Mary Stuart Masterson. Don't hate me.

1:10 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

eric - 2 grand? oh. it's ok that he spent that on earrings, then. what kind of college can you go to for 2 grand? i would have just spent it all on ass implants. i tell ya what, ass implants would probably have done more for me than my degree. and i would probably be able to beat the crap out of craig shaefer, but to be cool, i will just show up to his house and look like i am actually going to fight him so i will make it look like i have balls and then i will call in my leather-jacketed friends (did you notice that the only black kids in the movie were the thugs?) and have them cover me. that keith. he is a real man.

pants - as long as it is the joon version of MSM and not the Watts version because, i mean, PANTS! DID YOU SEE HER HEADBANDS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?!

1:27 PM  
Anonymous Porty said...

That is so crazy, for today at lunch, I smeared a cheeseburger all over my face! Except I went and got bacon grease in my eye, which kind of sucked.

But as for SKoW, I was always torn with that movie because I have a thing for bleachblond, short-haired women, but my irritation over the fact that I didn't believe she actually played drums won out and I hated her and the movie.

I have my standards and dammit, at thirteen, my life was my own and I made the decision, fake drummer chicks won't cut it in my life no matter how cute I think she is. Plain and simple.

2:23 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

blah. joon sucked. msm in "heaven help us" was wonderful.

10:56 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I was more of a Heathers person myself.

11:23 PM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

And I preferred 'Bed of Roses' for obvious reasons.

6:41 AM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

benny and joon ruled.

more than that tho, masterson sure could handle a pair of sticks.

don't seem to recall her using them on any drums tho? (and yesh, i know i had 2 diff movies up there)


7:07 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

porty - lol that is hilarious. i just spit bacon grease out of my nose.

sean - don't lie. johnny depp was awesome at the forks in the rolls dance. you loved it. that scene makes me smile and clap. heaven help was was awesome.

the grunt - was she in heathers? i don't even remember! i suck! heathers was a bit trippy for me, but then i can't watch disney movies without getting freaked out. ursula is nightmare-quality.

hands - i haven't seen that movie, but i think i remember the coverbox (i worked at a movie store and i wore a cumerbund -sp?- to work everyday) and there were people lying in a bed of roses and if they DID IT in the movie, then yes, i imagine it was much better. movies with doing it in it are always better.

bronx - there is a scene where she is playing the drums but she is no travis barker. however, if you were referring to her legs, you may be able to see her use her sticks in "Bed of Roses"

7:24 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

I wanted to bang MSM, which is odd, because usually I don't like girls with short hair.

Elias Kotteas or however you spell it was good in this one.

8:19 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

I'd beat his ass too. I did not get access to my college money until after college. I think that was smart.
1- I had money left because I had no idea how much money there actually was so I worked my ass off all through college trying to pay off my loans.
2- out of sight out of mind
3- Then I had a down payment for a car and bought the best freaking mattress of my life. Now THOSE are investments.

6:26 AM  
Blogger jay are said...

nothing particular to say except that I always get a good "out loud" laugh over your posts. They're great....and, oh yeah, it's not a compliment to hear that you have a sexy beer gut. Thanks but no thanks (even though I have a hard time believing it's even true. I've seen your pictures---not a beer gut in sight).

10:46 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

jerk - i thought so too. then again, i always seem to go for the dirty guys. i always wind up with the clean ones though. which is good because if i did wind up with a dirty one and he did something completely disrespectful, like spit his gum out on the sidewalk, i would physically make him pick it up and then give him a frank talk about having some fucking respect for other people's shoes and our environment.

kels - that is a great idea. maybe i will do that with my kids. if i can keep them alive that long. and a good mattress is KEY to a good life.

jay - that is very nice of you to say. however, i usually tuck it into my pants or hide it behind something so it is there, but labeling it a beer gut is so crude. it sounds like it should also be covered in hair. i prefer the word "pot" and i like it to be carressed.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

cum dumpster? And here I thought I was the only one who used that term.

And let me just say I'd have had a whole lot of things to do with Mary Stuart Masterson, boxers or not; hopefully not.

11:08 AM  

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