i put my hand up on your hip
Brandi tagged me and the only reason I am doing this is because she is rad. The rules are that I am supposed to list 7 weird facts about myself. Seeing as how I have already named 26 weird things about myself here, here, here and here, I have decided to change the rules. I can’t possibly be 33weird know what I’m sayin so I am just going to write whatever the eff I want.
1. Ryan had to be on a jury (am I even allowed to talk about this?) and the lady on trial was contesting a ticket she got for speeding in a school zone. She decided to represent herself. You know this is going to be hilarious now, don’t you? The prosecuting attorney asked if she’d gotten her speedometer checked recently to which she responded, “I get my speed thermometer checked every three months! Don’t talk to me about speed thermometers! My speed thermometer is checked!” and continued to use the word “speed thermometer” for the remainder of the trial. Then she presented a bunch of pictures that contradicted her own story. When I asked Ryan what the verdict was, he cheerily replied, “We hung that biatch!” How come I never get picked for jury duty?? This blows.
2. I am quitting my job. I got another job so I probably won’t be spending as much time blogging and sleeping and stalking people on myspace and playing washingtonpost sudoku and crosswords puzzle games and wearing my butt pads to work and bending over in front of potential OMC’s. Speaking of myspace, one of my friends on there is actually my 15 year old cousin, Kelsey. I go to her page every now and then just to be appalled at the things 15 year olds do these days. Like I wasn’t trying to show my day-of-the-week panties to any boy who would look at me sideways when I was 15. Anyway, I went to her page the other day and saw this:
Spunkmuffin?! Spunkmuffin???? That kid is fucking clever.
3. I used to have this friend Shelli but then she made out with my boyfriend Romeo and he told me and she lied to me about it so I 3-way called her and got her to admit it to my other friend and I was all “AHA!” and so then she got mad at me and we weren't friends anymore and me and Romeo stayed together for like 3 months after than because I had absolutely no self respect until he pulled out his bent wiener and stuck it on my leg and I freaked out because I was like 14 (ed. note: I can appreciate a bent wiener now) and then she moved in with my friend Nicole and whenever Nicole and her would get into a fight about the dishes or taking out the trash or something, Shelli would reach into her petri dish vagina and pull out whatever algae she was growing at the time and try to spread it into Nicole's eyeballs, mouth or nose. I don't remember where i was going with this, but the moral of the story is Shelli never had to do the dishes or take out the trash. And I am really sick of doing laundry.
4. I never get sick of this picture. Ever. My friends probably do since I attach it to any email I ever send ever.
6. When I was around 19, I ate plastic all the time. I ate straws and keychains and Barbies. I am not kidding. I didn’t really like the way it tasted most of the time and I would get constipated. One time I didn’t GO for almost a week and a big black doctor wanted to “stick his finger in my anus and fish around for a nice bolus of stool” and I promptly told him to eff off and die and drove two hours so a nice, small lady doctor could stick her finger in there but when I got there she just gave me some Fleet Phophosoda to drink and I expelled all the plastic within 15 minutes. Anyway, my point is, I knew that eating plastic would cause me to have problems, but I did it anyway. I’ve stopped eating plastic and have replaced it with listening to Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She makes me so angry but I can’t stop listening to her. She is a horrible woman. Like some girl called the other day to ask her a question and she didn’t even get it out. She goes, “So, Dr. Laura, I am living with my boyfriend…” and Dr. Laura was like, “WHORE!” and then proceeded to call her a whore 5 more times before getting off the phone with her and never letting the girl even ask her question. She makes me so angry sometimes, I hate her.
1. Ryan had to be on a jury (am I even allowed to talk about this?) and the lady on trial was contesting a ticket she got for speeding in a school zone. She decided to represent herself. You know this is going to be hilarious now, don’t you? The prosecuting attorney asked if she’d gotten her speedometer checked recently to which she responded, “I get my speed thermometer checked every three months! Don’t talk to me about speed thermometers! My speed thermometer is checked!” and continued to use the word “speed thermometer” for the remainder of the trial. Then she presented a bunch of pictures that contradicted her own story. When I asked Ryan what the verdict was, he cheerily replied, “We hung that biatch!” How come I never get picked for jury duty?? This blows.
2. I am quitting my job. I got another job so I probably won’t be spending as much time blogging and sleeping and stalking people on myspace and playing washingtonpost sudoku and crosswords puzzle games and wearing my butt pads to work and bending over in front of potential OMC’s. Speaking of myspace, one of my friends on there is actually my 15 year old cousin, Kelsey. I go to her page every now and then just to be appalled at the things 15 year olds do these days. Like I wasn’t trying to show my day-of-the-week panties to any boy who would look at me sideways when I was 15. Anyway, I went to her page the other day and saw this:
Spunkmuffin?! Spunkmuffin???? That kid is fucking clever.3. I used to have this friend Shelli but then she made out with my boyfriend Romeo and he told me and she lied to me about it so I 3-way called her and got her to admit it to my other friend and I was all “AHA!” and so then she got mad at me and we weren't friends anymore and me and Romeo stayed together for like 3 months after than because I had absolutely no self respect until he pulled out his bent wiener and stuck it on my leg and I freaked out because I was like 14 (ed. note: I can appreciate a bent wiener now) and then she moved in with my friend Nicole and whenever Nicole and her would get into a fight about the dishes or taking out the trash or something, Shelli would reach into her petri dish vagina and pull out whatever algae she was growing at the time and try to spread it into Nicole's eyeballs, mouth or nose. I don't remember where i was going with this, but the moral of the story is Shelli never had to do the dishes or take out the trash. And I am really sick of doing laundry.
4. I never get sick of this picture. Ever. My friends probably do since I attach it to any email I ever send ever.
5. I wear tapered sweatpants as often as possible.
6. When I was around 19, I ate plastic all the time. I ate straws and keychains and Barbies. I am not kidding. I didn’t really like the way it tasted most of the time and I would get constipated. One time I didn’t GO for almost a week and a big black doctor wanted to “stick his finger in my anus and fish around for a nice bolus of stool” and I promptly told him to eff off and die and drove two hours so a nice, small lady doctor could stick her finger in there but when I got there she just gave me some Fleet Phophosoda to drink and I expelled all the plastic within 15 minutes. Anyway, my point is, I knew that eating plastic would cause me to have problems, but I did it anyway. I’ve stopped eating plastic and have replaced it with listening to Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She makes me so angry but I can’t stop listening to her. She is a horrible woman. Like some girl called the other day to ask her a question and she didn’t even get it out. She goes, “So, Dr. Laura, I am living with my boyfriend…” and Dr. Laura was like, “WHORE!” and then proceeded to call her a whore 5 more times before getting off the phone with her and never letting the girl even ask her question. She makes me so angry sometimes, I hate her.
7. Steph is dressing up her cat for Halloween. He wanted to be a fisherman this year.
posted by Crystal at 12:41 PM
9 Comments:
Thanks to this post, all my major orifices are now bleeding.
firstly,
do you have total recall for things or what?
you.rock.
secondly,
steph's cat looks sadly resigned to the whole Fisherman dress-up trauma.
Apparently 15-year-olds have abandoned coherent communication. At least Spunkmuffin has.
I also used to eat plastic as a teen. We live in the country so when I clogged the septic tank with non biodegradeable plastic the man who had to come empty the tank told my parents that someone was consuming plastic. Needless to say they took me to a shrink.
Bolus of Stool is my new band name.
We are kind of like Rage Against the Machine with less social commentary and more moonshine jug.
So funny that you should mention that, because saturday I had to remove a grapefruit sized (!) bolus of stool from a 95 year old woman that hadn't pooped in FOUR WEEKS! God I love being a nurse.
No.3 - Wow.
10th, beyotches!
I would say this post was TMI, but really I couldn't stop laughing.
And Sassy Pants- thanks for the HORRIBLE visual. Damn mind's eye...
Post a Comment
<< Home