Father Eric made me do it

Ok, so update on my cousin and then I will talk about fabulous things. First of all, thanks for all the comments! Some of them really got me talking to my family about stuff that needed to be talked about. The kid is adamant he had a boating accident even though the closest he has ever come to anything boat related was three years ago when he skied down a gravel road on a refrigerator door pulled by a pick up. He got an MRI and a spinal tap and everything came back clear. He hasn’t exhibited signs of depression; he still goes to work and school without being told and apparently likes to party (noted by the human teeth imprints left on his upper thigh). He just gets mad because he doesn’t want to follow rules and, apparently, has no conscience. He is in a psychiatric facility, but they can only keep him for 7 days. I am sure glad he made it so I can be pissed at him. Mad is always better than sad.

Jay actually left a ridiculously sincere comment so I know I am being way too pathetic and need to get back to writing about fart jars and gay men wearing leather while masturbating and smoking on youtube. Smoking cigarettes, people.

I went skinny dipping in a saltwater pool on Friday night. I don’t think I have done that since college. Wait. I may have at a party a couple of years ago but there was no water involved; just a couple of very embarrassed family members. I can’t talk about that here though. I also can’t talk about how the dog fell into the pool three seconds after I realized that my plug was missing (not a good feeling, ladies and gentlemen). The dog can swim, but I wouldn’t describe him as a confident swimmer, so basically what had happened is that the dog was trying to get his ball and fell in and immediately started looking at Ryan like, “HOLY GOD GET THE SONOFABITCH LIFE SAVING POLE AND WHILE YOU’RE DOING THAT, I WILL CONTINUE TO THRASH VIOLENTLY, THUS SCRATCHING ANYONE WITHIN 2 FEET INCLUDING MY OWN STOMACH WHICH I WILL THEN RUB ALL OVER YOUR LIGHT GRAY INTERIOR WHEN YOU DRIVE ME HOME AT 4AM” and at the same time, I was looking at Ryan like, “Where the fuck is my tampon?” and Ryan was like, “One crisis at a time, baby” and he swam over to the dog. I loves a man who take contro. I didn’t actually wind up losing anything, btw. I had it the whole time. Details get sketchy after a bottle of wine and the euphoria that comes from kicking a cocky dude’s at dominoes.

I keep getting in trouble in the horse class because I keep trying to make my horse run when the instructor is not looking and I get caught and yelled at every time. Probably because every time the horse starts running, I involuntarily go, “Wahoooooooooooo!!!” and draw attention to myself which I also get in trouble for. Apparently, you’re not supposed to scream when you’re on their backs because it freaks them out. Who knew?