Friday, August 28, 2009

I am starting to understand why brides FREAK OUT so much

I am generally a pretty laid back person when roaches and Gatorade bottles are not involved. I thought.

I went to try on wedding dresses and we had this lovely lady named Jennifer helping us. So Jennifer goes away comes back with this very very small corset bra contraption with 85 hook eyes all up the back and this petticoat thing. I couldn't get my sausage into the casing, if you know what I'm saying, k, so I had to have my friends come in and help me and they had to see my boobs and my tropical-print granny panties and they were all jerking on my stuff trying to get it to compact into an abnormally small space and the only thing that seemed to give were my lungs. So I am finally all buttoned up and I can barely breathe and Jennifer brings this dress to me that weighs probably 75 pounds and I can't tell if I need to step into it or have it go over my head. For some reason, probably due to lack of oxygen to my brain, I decided that over my head would be the best way to go about it. Dumb. After getting into a violent altercation with the dress and my friend and Jennifer inside a 4'x4' dressing room followed by severe tugging and tightening and more exposing myself and pulling on my stuff, I was finally in the GD dress. I came out of the dressing room and Jennifer spent a couple of minutes putting a veil on and then decided I needed a different veil with that dress so Jennifer skips off in her cool little skirt with a breathable elastic waistband and Hanes-Her-Way loose cotton t-shirt without 5 bobbypins jammed into her scalp. Bitch. Must be nice, JENNIFER. Must. Be. Nice. So I was standing there waiting. I had only been out of the dressing room for a couple of minutes and I hadn't had oxygen in about ten minutes and sweat was actually rolling down my thighs. I never knew my thighs could sweat. Perhaps my ass was crying. I don't know, but something suddenly came over me and I was all (in a whispery growly voice), "Where the fuck is JENNIFER???" and my friend was like, "She went to get you a veil. She'll be right back" and I was like, "Fuck this dress. You go get that JENNIFER and tell her to fucking forget it. I am taking this off" and the whole time Jennifer was standing behind me with the veil and I had to apologize. It sucked.


Blogger Ed Adams said...

Just wear the vail and skip the dress. Dresses are such a waste. Seriously, you should be thinking something with a little more easy access. The last thing you want on your wedding night is to be fumbling around with a bunch of hooks and snaps. But that's just a guys perspective.

Really though, your going to be beautiful on your wedding day, all brides are. Well, except for Chuckie's.

11:43 AM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

Awww, I'm sorry. Weddings are very, very stressful, far more stressful than funerals, I think, strangely enough.

I got all gussied up for my first husband/wedding. The next one, not so much. The Spouse Sparrow and I got married at our local library (they have a county official/Justice of the Peace there). To this day, he swears I tricked him in to it by saying that he was just there to return books, and didn't know anything about it. I then ask him why he was in a suit.

Hang in there, the wedding will be past soon, and then you can settle down to getting pissed off when people ask you why you haven't had any kids yet, hahaha.

12:08 PM  
Blogger Jay Ferris said...

I'm sure she has dealt with far worse crazy than you -- don't sweat it!

12:25 PM  
Blogger Christie said...

David's Bridal has the worst service ever! I went there once to try and find a veil and they said I needed an appointment, so I made one, and when I came in for it, they said I didn't need one to just get a veil. Bitches. And then when I looked at dresses and I said I had a budget, they stopped helping me. Because I wasn't going to spend $3000 on a dress.

Have fun with the corset thing. Come your wedding night, your husband is going to be drunk and have a bitch of a time getting it off. I'm just saying, it happens a lot. Bring scissors.

1:43 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

weddings suck.

buttttt. get yourself out of davids bridal! i left that place super stressed & hating life a few times. get to another wedding dress place. a less "corporate" wedding dress place. davids bridal doesn't know what they're doing.

it's worth it. don't go back there. i had a moment in there like in sex & the city when carrie has a panic attack in her dress. same thing.


1:53 PM  
Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Further proof I'm correct in thinking I'm best suited for eloping.

8:39 AM  
Blogger Brandi said...

Boy. I can't WAIT to get married. Tell me more, please. Is this what we've waited so long for??

1:04 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Ed...I am definitely gonna find a dress that I can take off in a moving car without any assistance because I am gonna get it ON on my wedding night.

Sparrow - lol @ returning books! That is awesome. We thought about elpoing, but we would have some seriously pissed off family members! and I still want Christmas presents so...

Jay, um...thanks. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't taken my non-crazy pill that day. Seriously.

Christie - yeah! Fuck them and their appointments! Hope I can find a dress that I dn't have to wear a bra with. That will be fun!!! It's hard to bend over in a dress with a corset on. Did I just say that out loud?

Jamie - you're still coming to our wedding right?? You had better!!!

Paige - Eloping does sound nice...but then I think about how many people will see me look pretty that day and it makes me want to get married. heh.

Brandi - to save up for hair extensions! I am getting married so I can have an excuse to get some expensive extensions put in my hair, but I had to have a career first so I could afford it. Worth waiting for.

10:25 AM  
Anonymous denise said...

Be careful with those dresses, cuz I've seen too many brides where the dress is tight and the back flesh rolls over the top back of the dress. No matter how thin you are, that just does NOT look good and anyone who doesn't tell you that is just lying bout it.

You deserve to be a Beautiful bride :-)

10:04 AM  
Anonymous denise said...

Don't go overboard, be comfy. Yes, it's your wedding, but don't forget that it's a party, a ceremony - it's NOT what makes the marriage. Now THAT is Much More Important.


10:07 AM  
Blogger Sassy Pants said...

OMG I am crying! You crack me up. And that dress is GORGEOUS!! I just bought the first one that didn't make me look like a hooker.

PS - Me and dorman bettah be invited.

2:01 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Denise - I will try to keep my fleshiness concealed. No one wants a backfat attack. I am thinking that a dress that squeezes me that tight will make me very very bitchy and Ryan will be like, "Um....How long does it take to get an anullment?" I will definitely be showing you The Dress before so I can get an honest opinion.

Amber - Of course y'all are invited. You get an automatic invitation because you will both be at my bachelorette party. Y'all betta!

2:29 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

I never imagined my ass crying,but that's actually an honest way of describing it; I'm a man, so my ass openly weeps in severe heat.

9:57 PM  

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