It's Not Me, It's You

Things that made me laugh yesterday

2009-07-02T13:40:00.000-07:00

1. Steph called me. She works in HR. She was laughing so hard she could barely get the words out and she goes, "I just got this email and it says, "Please inform me of the process for change my wife name from Anna Poopisuit to Anna Pisasuit". That sucks.

2.
Knock Knock

Who's there?

Not Michael Jackson!

Steph told that joke to Jenny and Jenny said, "Well, ok, who is it then???"

Father Eric made me do it

2009-07-01T11:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, so update on my cousin and then I will talk about fabulous things. First of all, thanks for all the comments! Some of them really got me talking to my family about stuff that needed to be talked about. The kid is adamant he had a boating accident even though the closest he has ever come to anything boat related was three years ago when he skied down a gravel road on a refrigerator door pulled by a pick up. He got an MRI and a spinal tap and everything came back clear. He hasn’t exhibited signs of depression; he still goes to work and school without being told and apparently likes to party (noted by the human teeth imprints left on his upper thigh). He just gets mad because he doesn’t want to follow rules and, apparently, has no conscience. He is in a psychiatric facility, but they can only keep him for 7 days. I am sure glad he made it so I can be pissed at him. Mad is always better than sad.

Jay actually left a ridiculously sincere comment so I know I am being way too pathetic and need to get back to writing about fart jars and gay men wearing leather while masturbating and smoking on youtube. Smoking cigarettes, people.

I went skinny dipping in a saltwater pool on Friday night. I don’t think I have done that since college. Wait. I may have at a party a couple of years ago but there was no water involved; just a couple of very embarrassed family members. I can’t talk about that here though. I also can’t talk about how the dog fell into the pool three seconds after I realized that my plug was missing (not a good feeling, ladies and gentlemen). The dog can swim, but I wouldn’t describe him as a confident swimmer, so basically what had happened is that the dog was trying to get his ball and fell in and immediately started looking at Ryan like, “HOLY GOD GET THE SONOFABITCH LIFE SAVING POLE AND WHILE YOU’RE DOING THAT, I WILL CONTINUE TO THRASH VIOLENTLY, THUS SCRATCHING ANYONE WITHIN 2 FEET INCLUDING MY OWN STOMACH WHICH I WILL THEN RUB ALL OVER YOUR LIGHT GRAY INTERIOR WHEN YOU DRIVE ME HOME AT 4AM” and at the same time, I was looking at Ryan like, “Where the fuck is my tampon?” and Ryan was like, “One crisis at a time, baby” and he swam over to the dog. I loves a man who take contro. I didn’t actually wind up losing anything, btw. I had it the whole time. Details get sketchy after a bottle of wine and the euphoria that comes from kicking a cocky dude’s at dominoes.

I keep getting in trouble in the horse class because I keep trying to make my horse run when the instructor is not looking and I get caught and yelled at every time. Probably because every time the horse starts running, I involuntarily go, “Wahoooooooooooo!!!” and draw attention to myself which I also get in trouble for. Apparently, you’re not supposed to scream when you’re on their backs because it freaks them out. Who knew?

So....

2009-06-23T06:09:00.000-07:00

I feel like I shouldn't be writing about this, but then maybe the statistics shoot up every year because it is such a taboo subject.

I have a 17 year old cousin who comes from a good family (brushin my shouldas off), drives a nice car, is popular, has nice clothes. He lives in a small town and has recently been fighting with his parents about curfews and drinking/pot...normal stufff that most kids fight with their parents about. Well, kids that don't know how to just do it and get away with it like me (just kidding, Mom!). Anyway, after a fight with his parents, he hung himself on Friday. His mom found him hanging in the closet by a ripped up pillow case. She cut him down and did mouth-to-mouth. He was life-flighted to Houston where he stayed in a coma on life support for about 30 hours. My aunt and uncle had no idea if he was going to make it or, if he did, if he would have permanent brain damage. Luckily, he woke up early Sunday morning. Since he was intibated(sp?), he was unable to talk, but communicated by blinking. They took out the tube yesterday and he was able to talk. He doesn't appear to have suffered any brain damage, but he is very confused. He told the nurse he was in a boating accident and almost drown. When I was there yesterday, he asked his mom if he was sick. He's got a huge bruise all the way around his neck and he feels absolutely miserable physically. It is going to be a long road to recovery.

This has been absolutely heartbreaking for my family. I hope that this will call attention to a very serious problem that is on the rise. More teens are committing suicide now than ever. Please be sensitive and watch for warning signs. They don't realize how precious they are.

Update: Psyche came to visit my cousin. He swears up and down he was in a boating accident and that his parents have some sort of conspiracy thing going on. He thinks the bruise around his neck is from the oxygen and thinks the doctors are saying what his parents want them to. They moved him to a regular room and have a 24-hour sitter with him. Does anyone know about this type of thing? Is his denial typical for this type of thing?

Fu Man Chu

2009-06-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

I went to get a manicure/pedicure last week and while I was there, I decided to get my eyebrows waxed. When the lady was done ruthlessly tearing out my eyebrow hair, she goes, "Wan me geh yo rip?" so I smiled and nodded becuase I can't understand foreigners and just agree with everything they say. I guess I assumed she was asking me if I was sleepy or wanted her to slather baby oil all over my body. So then she gets her little popsicle stick with wax all over it and started coming at my face with it and I was like, "Whoa, there! Where ya goin with that??" and she goes, "I geh yo rip" and then it hit me. She is trying to wax my LIP. SHE THINKS I HAVE A MUSTACHE. WTF. OMG, y'all. I told her no way, dude, because I know if I let her put that wax on my lip, it will grow back thick and black and I will look like this. So I spent the rest of the weekend asking people if they thought I had a mustache and severely judging them if they gave anything close to an affirmative answer.

Example:
Crystal: Do you think I have a mustache?
Friend: No
Crystal: Seriously, look at me in the sunlight
Friend: OK, you may have a tiny little bit of peach fuzz
Crystal: Well, you're fugly and your credit score fucking sucks

Not a good time for anyone last weekend.

Also, fried cauliflower is delicious.

ear wiggling awesomeness

2009-06-05T13:23:00.000-07:00

1. My mom and I went horseback riding last night. This is the horse I rode:

His name is Amir. I love him and I didn't want to leave. We had a great time. It was exactly like a date except for I didn't have to perform the obligatory thanks-for-the-cheeseburger handjob so he would leave my house early.

2. There is a photoshop contest at work and by photoshop contest, I mean the guys are so bored that they capture their foul body smells in mud sample jars and ask people to pull their finger and microsoft paint each other in precarious situations. I mean! They took this picture of me on a fishing trip and put Jason's head on it!!! Real mature, guys.

Nice tits, Jason.

These are grown men! Ok, so I gave in and this is my first photoshop:

One of the things I like best about the above photos is that there is absolutely no sign of any effort to make them look realistic at all.

I like my job today.

So there is this guy at work...

2009-05-28T12:50:00.000-07:00

...and I am pretty sure he wanted to do me until I threatened to kick him in the feelings a few weeks ago at the bar that "is tame before 7" (the long tiddied bar, the big fat liars). Well, 10 minutes ago he brought to me a jar that is normally storage for mud samples and I did not open it (Praise Jesus) as I found out later that it contained his fart. Since he doesn't want to do me anymore, he has obviously moved on to disrespecting me with his sour ass package.

I am still here, yo

2009-05-28T10:31:00.000-07:00

1. So last week I went to Midland/Odessa for work. My company gave me these fancy peen-pulling wheels so I can cruise around and pick me up some West Texas cowboys. The girl at the car rental place was like, "all we have ready is a minivan. is that ok?" and I was like, "No" and then she was like, "SIGH, alright, I will go clean one for you" and there was a line behind me and I was like, "fine" and then she gave me the keys and I was walking out to the lot and I was thinking, "Please don't let it be that one at the end. Please don't let it be spot #43". No such luck.

Once inside, I was impressed with the roominess, the side impact airbags and the 7 passenger seating and the fact that no other minivan has a higher safety rating, but I refused to like it simply because it would make me slightly less awesome to people who don't know how awesome I am for real. When I was a kid, our family had a ford aerostar which was not embarrassing at all and whenever my mom drove around corners, my dad would squeeze the armrests and go, "Goddammit, Sarah! THIS THING IS TOP HEAVY!" which was not terrifying in itself at all so I took the corners slowly. My dad would be so proud.

2. I got home from work a couple of weeks ago and leaned down to get my purse and then all of the sudden, Ryan's house ran into me. or maybe I forgot to put it in the "P" gear. So I jumped out and ran around to the front of the vehicle and there was no damage to my bumper. Whew! Dodged that bullet. Now no one will ever know! And then Ryan called me that evening when I was out and said, Did you run into the house? and I was like, What are you talking about?? And then he told me that the house looked like it was about to fall down.

3. I went to my friend, Audrey's graduation and following party. I made fun of every graduate that tripped on the stairs and then right after they called Audrey's name, I bolted and tripped on the stairs in front of everyone so that was awesome. Also, some friends and I made a whirlpool in the swimming pool by running around the sides of the pool and then I woke up inside a school bus on a wheel hump.

4. Friday night I went to another dildo party and my mom also went so that wasn't awkward. It especially wasn't awkward when the lady tied me up, blindfolded me, called me a bad girl and spanked me in front of her. Then we had to pass a giant rubber double dick from person to person without using our hands.

Monday, my dad called and asked if Ryan and I wanted to go to my nephew's baseball game. Our conversation went like this:

Me: I don't think so, Dad. I am getting a urinary tract infection.

Dad: Well, maybe if you didn't play with those double headed dildos

Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dad!

Dad: It's ok. I have been to those parties before...

Me: Oh God

Dad: ...as a prop

Me: Dad! Grode!!!

Dad: Don't worry. It was a small party if you know what I mean.

So in addition to a urinary tract infection, I also have severe psychological trauma.

5. And just in case you didn't know...

6. I am spending the weekend in Fort Worth because Nanci is getting married! Wooooooooooooooo! Love me some Fort Worth. It is like Austin but with more cowboy boots.

2009-05-04T12:04:00.001-07:00

I got a new job, yo! Except for it is at the same company and I am going to be doing the exact same thing! The only difference is I am going to be closer to home. I am kind of bummed because I like traveling and I am pretty sad that I won't be getting anymore boudin anytime soon or dodging requests to look at a particular manager's balls or learning how to do the sexy fat man dance (hair toss hair toss, belly rub, shimmy shimmy). I will get to go to West Texas. I've never been there before, but hear I should take precaution because the dust storms there could break your skin and also I knew a guy from there in college who stole all of my camera equipment and syphened the gas out of my car so that should be exciting... Our company underwent a massive reorganization and 25% of people got laid off! How I convinced them to keep me is beyond my comprehension. I seriously have been so busy, I can hardly make a decent b.m. but if you ask me what I have been doing, I will just look at you all empty-like and ask you to repeat yourself, but use different words and then I will just get angry and change the subject to how uncoordinated you are or how you look like you've been gaining weight in your face.

We had a team meeting 3 days in a row last week. For this team build, we went bowling. Prior to bowling, I decided to meet one of my work friends out at happy hour. They tricked me into going into a semi-tiddy bar which I will probably have to post about separately once I recover from the memory of the longest boobies I have ever seen. So then I met my team for bowling and my new boss was carrying a pitcher of beer and he spilled a tiny bit on the carpet and this strange guy ran over to the spot like he was tracking an errant golfball at the US Open and pointed at it and started yelling, "You spilled beer! You spilled beer!" and so I went over to him and he started yelling about how it will GET ON HIS TOES! and how I am an AMATUER and how he plays for money, he doesn't come in and DISREPECT OTHER PLAYERS TOES. wtf. And that guy looked like this:

So I immediately thought, you know, this guy needs to get laid or something because that is really the only reason people are ever assholes and then I saw him go sit down next to this lady in matching clothes who was looking at him all cow-eyed so obviously he was hittin dat. I guess I would be mad too though if all I had to wear was cut off blue jean shorts and a ponytail and an American flag shirt with an eagle and a Harley on it.

I am showing you a picture of what Bogey does when he rides with me in my car. He gazes at me with such admiration, I feel like I'm It. Also, it appears that this 80lb dog is the same size as my ginormous hand.

Thank You So Much!

2009-04-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

Everyone who went and donated to Denise or offered her words of support or included her in your prayers, thank you so much! Johnny Virgil, Matt, Bronx, Nikki, Mop! I know a lot of you by blog names and not by real names so if you donated thank you thank you thank you!

It means a lot to me that there are people out there who care. We are all going to need help sometime. It's nice to know that we have people to lean on even if we have never met.

You guys are fucking RAD.

She is my friend...

2009-04-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

Prior to the job I have now, I worked for a major corporation. When I started there four years ago, I felt extremely out of place. There used to be this kid, Paul, in my 2nd grade math class and everytime the teacher asked a question, Paul would flop around in his chair like a dying goldfish and wave his arm frantically in the air make "OOOoooo!!! Oooooo!!" noises while I sat in the back of the class eating chalk. Working there was like working with a thousand Pauls. Denise was pretty much my first friend there...someone I could really trust and I spent hours in her office griping about boyfriends and work and plotting to jump people at 3:15.

Denise and I became very close and I started depending on her for her moral support and her blunt advice. About a year ago, Denise found a tumor in her breast and was diagnosed with a staph infection. It was really breast cancer and she didn't find out until 9 months later. So they diagnosed her with Stage 2 breast cancer. After another medical miscalculation, she found that it has spread to her bones (4 of her vertebrae) and possibly her liver and brain. This would put her in stage 4 which is terminal.

Not to get too personal here, but Denise is a contractor and doesn't have health insurance. Also, if she doesn't work, she doesn't get paid. Her options at this point are going to be very hard on her body, her emotions and will be very very expensive as well. Please check out her website and donate if you feel inclined. She needs all the emotional and monetary support she can get. Her co-workers are also throwing her a spaghetti lunch fundraiser in May here in Houston. If you want to come, email me here.

She is a very special, beautiful person who is too young and full of life to be facing this kind of obstacle. I never ask people for money (parents and boyfriends excluded), but this is very very important to me. If you don't want to or are unable to donate funds, please stop by her blog and offer her words of support. She needs as much positive energy as she can get.

Denise rocks the house, y'all!

Boudin Mmmm Mmmmm

2009-04-14T05:20:00.000-07:00

I had to come to Louisiana on the fly this week as one of my fellow HS&E Specialists had the need for some help and I am nothing if not helpful. I may take up a lot of time with random questions, but I am good at moral support. My dad bought my mom a t-shirt one time and it said, "I may be slow...but I'm good". I'm exactly like that shirt if you add "at hugs" to the end.

Anyway, this is what breakfast in Louisiana looks like. Fucking yum, right? So I was all, "May I have a fork and a knife?" because I am nothing if not a lady and the guy was like, "Just wrapa napkin round it and suck the meat out." Riiiiight. So I did and it is super delicious even though I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window and it looks like I am severely enjoying a ripe turd. I had half a mind to break it up with a coat hanger first.

2009-04-08T08:40:00.000-07:00

1. This morning, I was walking into work with a guy who was telling me about how his 4 year old son had brain surgery last weekend for a tumor on his pituitary gland and I looked at him straight in they eye and was all, "That's awesome" That is NOT awesome. I seriously need to quit saying "that's awesome" to everything especially things that are obviously not awesome. To make matters worse, it is the same guy who makes the chemicals in my brain think it's the freestyle portion of the dance competition and I always wind up saying or doing stupid stuff.

2. I taught Bogey how to shake and how I did that was forced him to raise his paw and stuffed a treat in his maw and I did it, like, 56 times in about 20 minutes. I also taught him to get in the basket and how I did that was that I followed him around with a laundry basket and then I would place it on the floor in front of him and I would be like, "GET IN THE BASKET!!!!.....GET IN THE BASKET!!!!" over and over until he got in the basket and that took me about 4 hours. 4 hours that Ryan sat patiently and supressed his urge to turn my vocal cords into a lanyard keychain like they do at Boyscout Camp. Hot socks, those boyscouts.

I have to go eat now. K thx.

eloy is a four eyes fat kid hahaha loser

2009-03-27T15:18:00.000-07:00

I was looking for information regarding anatomy of the ear and ran across this Wikipedia page that some kids had gotten to before me. Click on it to make it bigger and LOL @ Sergio because he smells like pooop.

I am going to be traveling for at least the next 3 weeks so I probably won't be around much. Boooooo. I kinda miss my old job where all I had to do was blog and dodge requests that included doing any actual work.

2009-02-23T13:03:00.000-08:00

I know I have been posting about a lot of work things lately. It's all I do nowadays. It's not so bad, really. I spend way less time stressing myself out over what color order to eat my skittles in accordance with the side of my mouth I am chewing them on. On the other hand, I haven't accidentally rubbed my breasts against people who would be disgusted if they knew it was really on purpose in over three weeks. Sad.

I thought working at ExxonMobil may have increased my maturity level by at least a few percent. The other day, I was listening to a guy with no teeth explain the importance of safety glasses and he said, "This is what we don't do. This is what we do do." and I suppressed laughter for the rest of the entire presentation. Safety Joe said doodoo. LOL @ Joe.

I had to take an auditing class a couple of weeks ago. There are observations, findings and major findings and we had to look at some pictures and determine which one was represented. So they showed a picture of a guy on a scaffolding and I yelled out, "Fanny pack! Major Finding!" And nobody laughed and the instructor looked at me and said, "Um... no. This is an observation" and then he rolled his eyes like I am some box of rocks. First of all, that was fucking hilarious. Second of all, wearing a fanny pack in 2009 is a HUGE nonconformance.

OMG Y'ALL

2009-02-13T13:54:00.000-08:00

i just received a metric fuckton of horrible pictures that make the gunshot one below look like a papercut. not even from cardstock. or a greeting card. or even a greeting card envelope. like a papercut from kleenex. i am now conflicted about showing them.

however, i will still post the wire in the eyeball. please keep in mind that this is small potatuhs compared to what is sitting in my inbox right now. he only removed his safety glasses for a couple of minutes. this wire was lodged a half-inch inside his eyeball. this didn't happen at the company i work for, btw.

And I will leave you with a quote from a wise, wise man that I was subjected to every Sunday of my entire freaking childhood.

"Before we use any power tools, let's take a moment to talk about shop safety. Be sure to read, understand, and follow all the safety rules that come with your power tools. Knowing how to use your power tools properly will greatly reduce the risk of personal injury. And remember this: there is no more important safety rule than to wear these — safety glasses."

Valentine's Day and other stuff that's red

2009-02-13T08:28:00.000-08:00

Tonight we are celebrating Valentine's Day. I have no idea what we're doing, but Ryan says it is only a quarter of a mile from the house which leads me to believe he is taking me for a picnic in the mosquito farm/half finished park with nails on the ground and a whopper-jawed playscape. I am kind of nervous. He is pretty good at romantical stuff though. I think he knows that if I don't get a good Valentine's Day, he will not get a good March 14 . I hope he brings some Off.

In other news, I am freaking busy as all get out in my semi-new job. We had a training this week where I had to give 5 presentations. 5! I seriously think I am developing an ulcer. Although, I did get to say "suck it" in room full of people so that was nice. Since I am a safety girl now, I have access to all types of good stuff. It's been awhile since I posted something gross. Another safety specialist sent me this picture of his friend's shoulder:

It's a gunshot wound (both entry and exit, baby!) from a 25-09(?). If it wasn't so fascinating, I'd probably puke. I think this happened in Louisiana on a hunting trip.

I also have a picture of a guy who has a wire sticking out of his eyeball, but I will save that one for another day. I don't want to show you my entire bag of tricks on the first go-round cuz then you won't talk to me anymore and I will pretend that I don't care and then wind up drawing a cock-n-balls on your windshield in lipstick and keying foul names into your driver side door.

I got tagged

2009-02-03T14:56:00.000-08:00

by Sassy Pants Mama.

Here is the purse I am carrying. I got it when I went to New York with my mom and her friend who has a 23 year old son that speaks 4(!!!) different languages. He talked the guy in a hidden room down about $30 and settled on $25 and when he was finished, I was all, "Thanks for speakin oriental to that guy for me. Can I borrow 25 bucks?" So I got the bag. The fabulous fake Gucci bag that looks pretty real to me. I was all excited til I got home and realized people may actually think I paid $800 for a purse. I could hear their thoughts, "Why is she wearing red fake plastic Walmart crocs and carrying a Gucci bag??" "She should have spent that $800 on microderm abrasion instead of grossly priced accessories" So now I try to hide the label so that it is facing my body, but people still notice. Still, it is damn cute and I will work it.

What is in it?

1. My mom's friend gave me a bag from the Museum of Modern Art in NY and it is rad. I carry my make up in it.

2. Wallet

3. NoDoz - I can't sleep at work anymore. Damn cubicles.

4. A half of a leaf

5. Elkskin coinpurse that my mom got me from Norway. It reminds me of a kangaroo scrotum and it smells delicious.

6. 10 Zip ties. You never know.

7. A brush for my nap

8. A straw

Look at these boots I got this weekend! They are awesome.

I don't know a lot about boots. These are Lucchese boots. I had to ask for them at the counter and I said, "I got boots waiting. They are the Loo-cheese-ies" and she looked at me like she was trying to figure out if I was just trying to be funny or if I really was that dumb and then she said, "You mean, 'Lou Casey'?" Yeah, those. Good stuff, these things. I am going to wear them with dresses and hook up with drug dealers that I barely know in alleys on top of cars so people will quit threatening my family; drug dealers that I will subsequently hire to help me run my grow house.

He didn't say "Open Wide!" Boooooo.

2009-01-29T10:28:00.000-08:00

So I went to see Steph's hot doctor, who I found to be moderately-so-so-if-you're-into-that-kind-of-thing-cute. He did look like Enrique Iglesias cept for he was just a wee wittle man, which made him more of an adorable rather than a hot. I think, when rating a man's looks, you have to take into consideration what he does for a living. Like, of course, generally this guy gets more points because he is a young doctor. If he would have been a firefighter, he probably wouldn't seem as hot because firefighters are generally super good looking in their yellow pants and suspenders with no shirts and soot all over their bulging pecs. Know what I mean? And don't go calling me shallow or anything because guys rate chicks the same way. Like if you found out an average looking girl was a fighter pilot, she would probably get extra hot points for that, whereas if you found out she was a Hooters girl, she may get points knocked off because she is not as hot as you would expect a Hooters girl to be. It's all relative. And I have nothing to worry about because even though my looks are just under average, I am a Health, safety and Environmental Specialist and who doesn't want to put that notch in their belt?

Anyway, so I don't think I will be going back to this doctor and it's not because of his looks. It is because I have a twelve year old sense of humor and every time he said the word "vagina", I had to either suppress a fit of giggling or try not to break out in hives from embarrassment. DUDE WAS TALKING ABOUT MY VAGINA. TO MY FACE. Plus, since he was so young, it was like talking to my brother about my vagina. It would have been easier if he woulda been like, "Your hooha looks happy" or "That's a niiiiiiiice nonny." What. I know that's what he was really thinking.

And just in case you were thinking it, I never really talk to my brother about vagina cept for this one time, I was watching Platoon with my dad and they said pussy and I asked my dad what a pussy was and he got all embarrassed and said, "it's what's between your legs. now go get me some vienna sausages and crackers" and when I came back he had changed the channel. I thought the "your"in that sentence was meant as a general "you" and not a specific "you" so the next time I fought with my brother, I yelled out, "give me that basketball or I'm gonna kick you in the pussy!" and then he punched me in the face.

And that is pretty much the extent of vagina conversation I ever had with my brother.

I don't even care what you think! So there!

2009-01-29T09:46:00.000-08:00

I am reading the Twilight series. No spoilers here. Holy crap. I can't stop. I had heard about it from several different people. My big brother even read it and he comes from a place where it is perfectly acceptable for the dog catcher to carry around a .22 instead of leashes and where conversations after church consist of how to effectively catch & drown whatever rodent has made it into your barn. And, he read it in one night. He says it was because his daughter was sick and kept him up, but I know better than that. He wanted to know if Bella was going to do sex with Edward. So, after I read the first book, I dragged Ryan to watch the movie. I was kind of disappointed. If I would have seen the movie before I read the book, I wouldn't have read the book. Ryan even fell asleep. But let me tell you...and I am not one to get all pussy crazy over movie stars...and Ryan, baby, I love you more than anything...but holy crap the first time they showed Edward, I got all wet. And that was because my mouth hit my neck and drool started pouring out all over my t-shirt and I had to shove popcorn in it to plug it up. The deficit caused by cheesiness and lack of character development was compensated for by the good looking vampires. There were even some hot vampires for Ryan to scope out. Worth the $8.

I just finished the 3rd book and I am trying to put off buying the 4th one for awhile because I don't want it to be over.

Y'all need to read the shit.

don't normally look forwards to mondays, but...

2009-01-23T13:07:00.000-08:00

i have to go to the lady doctor on monday. my lady doctors have always been lady doctors. steph's lady doctor is a dude. apparently he is very hot. i told her, "how can you have a hot gynocologist??? isn't that a little weird?" and she said, "well, what did you do this afternoon while i was having my vagina probed for 30 minutes by an enrique iglesias look alike?" and i said, "what is his phone number?"

so i am going to see him. let the vagina probing begin!

another incredibly personal thing about steph that i know she will be very happy that i told my readers, mom and lee pace, is that i picked her up from her surgery a couple of weeks ago. she was very groggy still and i stood by her bed while the nurse gave me post-surgery instructions. steph was out of it and would pick up her head every now and then to whisper "where is my fallopian tube?" the girl was in another world. so the nurse says, "peri-rest (sp?) for 2 weeks" and i was all "what the heck is peri-rest?" and the nurse made sort of a fisting motion and said, "nothing inserted into the vagina for two weeks" and steph picked up her groggy arm to do a fist pump and whispered, "yessssssss" i asked the nurse if she could prescribe "oral rest" as well and she gave me a look like the old dude at home depot when i asked him where they kept the black caulk and then told him i don't care what kind of caulk it is, i just really need some black caulk. so, sorry steph, i tried.

2009-01-15T06:42:00.000-08:00

I got tagged by SassyPantsMommy to list 10 things about me.

1. I just watched Donnie Darko for the first time. I loved it. In fact, I moved it to my top 3 favorite movies. And there wasn't even any nudity in it! I'm growin up.

2. When I was 11, I tried out for a singing and dancing chior in my school who sang such classics as "Chocolate, Give Me Chocolate!" and "Skateboarding Santa" and we had to sing "America the Beautiful" for try outs and after I sang it, Mrs. Bollom shook her head and told me, "You're lucky you can dance."

3. I like having my feet sat on.

4. Ryan grew a beard out over the holidays and holy crap was it the hottest thing I have ever seen in my life. Every day, he would threaten to shave and every day I would spend several minutes begging him not to. I curse the day he did shave it off. Well, actually the day after he shaved it off because I didn't even notice the first day but I miss it terribly and I am sure all the ladies that saw him at work and the grocery store do too. Oh well, a few less bitches I got to beat off.

5. Steph gave me some Mighty Mendit for my birthday and holycrap. Best. Birthday. Present. Ever. You should go by some I am not even kidding. It is awesome. And! It even comes with some Mighty GemIt! for free!

6. Every day, the guy in the cube next to me says, "Want some candy, little girl?" and then he pelts me with Hershey kisses over the cube wall. Anytime someone asks him how his day is, he says "Not too bad for a Monday!" even if it is a Wednesday or a Friday. Yesterday, he spent a good ten minutes telling jokes to some guy on speakerphone that didn't make any sense. "How do you bury an Aggie? Get a post hole digger and dig a hole that is 6 inches in diameter and 6 feet deep and then give the Aggie an enema" What? And the guy on the other line must have been a sales guy because he was just a hootin and hollerin and telling him how hilarious he was. I could never be a sales guy.

7. I am thinking of installing a bicep pull thing in my company truck like on Over the Top.

I will do three more later. Got busted

Hi there.

2009-01-14T11:39:00.001-08:00

1. I have already posted about my passion for toilets so I don’t need to go into how much I bitterly hate people who use their urethra like a lawn sprinkler. Come on ladies, it isn’t like we have wieners that get away from us when we aren’t paying attention. So I went to use the facilities at work the other day and I ran into this

I was so pissed, I whipped out my phone and started to take a picture when another woman came in and busted me. I bet she thinks I did it now. I bet she told everyone at the office that I was the one who had Wipefest 2009 in the ladies bathroom. The lady at the next cube to me was making farting noises, which I assume is a form of passive-aggressive taunting. So now, I have to find a way to prove to everyone that the mess made in the bathroom was not mine. I have a really hard life, y’all. This isn’t fair.

2. Lately, I have seen an abundance of nutsacks hanging from trucks. I am all for the balls, but this is a little too much. I am pretty sure this only happens in places like Texas and maybe Arkansas and Louisiana and maybe a bit in Oklahoma oh and some parts of Alabama. Do they think they are better than me??? Is that what it is??? Because I have not assigned gender to my vehicle in the form of bright blue plastic ballsbags??? When I see it, I get angry and pull up next to them and scream “I’m gonna kick your ass, you son of a bitch!” I have to quit doing that though because now I am in a company truck and I saw this girl write down my license plate number. However, if I do get fired for this, it will be well worth it.

Not today, asphalt!

2008-12-30T16:14:00.000-08:00

I am writing from the hospital because yesterday my dad got into a motorcyle accident. A pickup ran a stop sign and my pops swerved to miss him and laid the bike down and then he laid his ribs and shoulder and head down on the street and when I say he laid them down, I mean the road knocked the shit out of him. He is alive, but he has 4 broken ribs (2 of them in 2 places) and his lung is bruised. Yeah, my dad is hardcore. What.

The accident happened in the morning, but I didn't find out til the afternoon so when I saw my brother, I was all WTF, Trav? and he was like, "If I woulda told you before I found out he was ok, you woulda been all dramatic and started freaking out and crying." and I was appalled that he would think I would react so emotionally. Nobody prepared me for what I was going to see today so as soon as I walked into the ICU, I was all, "DAD WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?!" He looked like king of the chipmunks. He looked like he was hoarding tennis balls in his cheeks. So we found out that it is because he has crepitus, which is when air releases into the body and it doesn't have any place to go so it just makes your face and body look like hot air balloons or like Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory only my dad is not blue or insufferably annoying. If you press on my dad's skin, it feels like he is filled with rice crispies. It is awesome.

I am totally putting this on my Dad's MySpace page:

P.S. I also got to see an angry black man's very large testicles swinging gaily beneath his hospital gown (which he had pulled up) in the waiting room at the emergency room yesterday. Come to think about it, he kind of reminded me of Mr. March. He was angry because he refused to put on his unnerwears until he saw a doctor. He saw a doctor quickly thereafter. Please learn from this that if you are ever sick of waiting for something, you can just take your panties off and be sure to receive prompt service.

P.P.S. My friend, Dave sent me this blog. It is one of the funniest things I have ever seen, including angry black man testicles.

Hi Blog

2008-12-29T11:30:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a good holiday. I sure did. I got a lot of great gifts. I got a TomTom for my truck so that I don’t get lost on the way to work anymore. Also, I got some earrings that look like sperms and a trip to California and a Ped Egg (effing awesome – my grated footskin looks like parmesan cheese!! I should have taken a picture – coming soon!!!), but my favorite present is one I got by default because nobody else wanted it. It was cast to the side and I snatched it up before it got tossed out with the torn wrapping paper and the 35 tasteless diabetic fudge balls I made for Ryan’s Nana (I made 36).

Anyhow, check out my new calendar and tell me you are not insanely jealous. I hung it right up above my computer.

This is Mr. February. Actually, since this calendar came from a Mexican restaurant in the valley, his name is Senor Febrero, but with balls like that, I just call him “Hey Handsome”.

This is Mr. March. He looks angry. Maybe because he already had to have one knee replaced and the other one keeps slipping out of socket every time he walks and his balls just start crazily running into things. Like his knees.

This is Mr. May. He looks like a bull we used to have on our farm when I was a little girl. He was cleverly named Boy and he kept 50 of our cows satisfied and also the neighbor’s cows too.

Also, I found a picture of a fat mouse that I think you would enjoy.

Attn: Ryan; This post contains "Filter" information. You should stop reading now.

2008-12-12T14:06:00.000-08:00

I am learning about filters, guys! There are all kinds of filters. Coffee filters, oil filters, blowing pot through a downy sheet so your mom doesn't smell it filters (note: does not work with cigarettes).

According to Jamie's husband, she has an alcohol-soluble filter. Haha. Dave is funny.

I am seriously lacking in the filter department. For some reason, my subconscious feels like everyone around me should know everything about me. This really isn't a Gucci bag, I bought it in New York in some back room from some creepy Asian dude for 25 bucks. Sometimes my undertitty smells like an Astros game. I sharted. I hate the fucking alarm in that goddamn truck you gave me. Don't you hate it when you are sitting in a chair and you fart and it doesn't have anywhere to go and then it gets trapped in your p-ssy??? (Ok, that last one was Steph, but that is why I love her). Corn comes out like it goes in...on the cobb. Your balls smell like cornflakes.

I also tell Ryan lots of stuff he would rather not hear like, "So today at work, I let a guy vigorously rub his junk on my backside so that he would give me the form for business cards and even though I thought it was going to be gross, it was kind of cool." What? I needed business cards and he wasn't that ugly. Would you rather me let an ugly guy do it? Would you rather me just let him do it without giving me the form? For nothing? So you're calling me a whore. I hate you.

That didn't really happen. I would at least need something like a jump drive or a can of air to clean my keyboard with. I can get a business card form on the Intranet.

Ryan wants me to stop telling him about certain things that happen at work. So now I'm all, well when do you want me to tell you something? Some things are downright comical and, heaven forbid, what if they are serious enough that I need him to punch someone in the balls? I am having issues with that.

The guy that I work with doesn't have a filter. At all. These are some of the things he has said to me in the past 2 days:
1. So are your tits real or are they fake?
2. Have you ever had anal sex?
3. How many times do you masturbate in an average week?
4. That girl over there? We almost had sex in a bathroom stall. Her husband hates me.
5. I like titties.

Awesome.