It's Not Me, It's You

i eat the f-n pineapple now-n-laters

2008-08-26T14:51:00.000-07:00

ryan and i have started netflixing "Lost". during disc 1, i was all what is all the hype about seriously this is kinda dumb and by the 5th dvd, i was all WE HAVE TO GO TO BLOCKBUSTER NOW because i couldn't wait 3 days. ryan noticed that after a month of being on the island, none of the women had hairy armpits. i don't know about you, but if i go for a week without shaving my pits, it looks like i am running a refugee camp for fancy hamsters out of there. HAHAHA.
so now that this is erroneousness has come about, i have had to convince myself that every one of those female characters had electrolysis at some point before they got on that plane. and i think about at what point in their life they decided it would be a good idea to pay someone a lot of money to electrolize that hair. and then i think about one of my friends who got her mustache and armpits done and she said that it felt like a bunch of rubberbands snapping you over and over and how it gets all red and you have to wait a few days. and then i have to rewind it because i just spent 10 minutes thinking about kate's armpits. also, i am becoming strangely attracted to john locke. he looks just like creed from "the office" and sometimes i will commentate, like i will say something like, "oooo creed gettin crayzay" and ryan will be all, "his name is not creed! it's locke! GOD." regardless, i like creed. he is kind of sexy in a weird don't-ever-touch-me kind of way.

best thing i've heard all week:

no, way! i am not letting you guys hang around to clean up my amniotic fluid!

best text i've gotten all week:

tell him to shut his fat old trap before i come over there and shut it for him!

1 scoop of creamy mashed potatoes, 4 peas

2008-08-21T14:58:00.000-07:00

This one time my friend's mom worked in Human Resources and one of the secretaries was getting sexually harassed by this boss guy. So the secretary finally had enough and made a complaint and when asked to provide detail, she explained that the boss had asked her if she'd like to go fishing for a big trouser trout and my friend's mom said, "Is that a West Virginia fish?"

That reminds me, the other day when I was at a going away lunch for my very Christian, very sweet boss, he was sad about the fact that they won't have James Coney Island's where he is going. Then he said, "I like hotdogs. I like to call them tube steaks. I love eating tube steaks." Apparently, I was the only one at the table who'd heard the Wanna-eat-my-tube-steak joke enough times to quit saying yes. I laughed with my mouth closed. I didn't think a baby carrot could fit through my nose like that.

Thank you for being a friend

2008-08-20T13:59:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Mom, for telling me about someecards.com.

Back when I got my phace surgery, I stayed with Stephanie. Since I couldn’t see and had to be on my back for three days straight, she looked upon this as an opportunity to brainwash me into becoming a fan of The Golden Girls. Remember that, Stephanie? That 72 hour marathon of Golden Girls DVDs that I convinced your boyfriend to buy you for Christmas because I thought I was being a good friend and then you turned around and used it against me? Remember how I was moaning and begging you to change the channel and you just kept piling the frozen food bags on my face until I was an inaudible pile of vegetable medley? Remember how your room automatically started to smell like mothballs and stale cookies baked with cathairs? And then! In a dramatic turn of events, remember how I developed Stockholm Syndrome and kind of started liking/identifying with that old slutty one? Well, that was 2 years ago next month and I tell you what. I am over it. I refuse to like them, alright? Then I got in a domestic altercation (which basically consisted of me period-ing out on my boyfriend) [Note to boyfriend: Don’t think because I admitted I was on my period means you were right] so I spent the night at your house a couple of weeks ago and, of course, it had to be the day Estelle Getty died and we went to sleep with a Golden Girls DVD looping through the night. By the third episode I wasn’t even begging for you to violently mash several bags of frozen peas on my face and head. Good times, my friend. Good times.

omg...homegirl is wearing culottes

2008-08-07T11:21:00.000-07:00

This week, I earned my certificate for Sea Survival, Helicopter Safety & Egress. I had to take the course because I may be visiting some offshore platforms on my trip to Angola in October and if they tump the helicopter over in the water, they don’t want me flailing about frantically in the diluted solutions of urine and doodoofeces that will be shooting from my body like a sneezy whale nostril and getting on everyone else. What they don’t know is that I am calm and collected in all emergencies. Like one time, at prom, I forgot to pull my thong down and I wound up peeing on it so I didn’t panic. I just ripped the sides and went back to the dance sans panties like it was no big deal. It’s all part of being Crystal.

The guy that was conducting the course was an older fellow who, in his free time, probably listens to Phish and smokes weed and surfs and entertains his friends with stories like this: “She said huh? And I was like, Really?, and she was like yeah and I was like no way! and she was like uh-huh and I was like you’re not serious! and she was like yeah and I was like Got any Doritos?” I would talk more shit, but I think he had something to do with saving my life that day so I guess I’ll stop here. Even though he was a total jerkface about it.

They drug us out to the pool and we got in and learned how to jump and use an immersion suit and stuff like that. There was also this metal cage waiting for us. It had 2 seats on the inside and one window next to each seat. I volunteered to go first because none of the guys were stepping up. My partner was this guy who spent half the day with a large and in charge booger on his face that no one would tell him about. So the instructors gave us helmets in which they had blacked out the face shields with duct tape. I almost asked if he needed an extra helmet for the booger, but his booger had a good attitude and seemed pretty resilient. We got in the cage and put on shoulder harnesses and lap belts, secured the helmets. Then they turned the cage upside down in the water. We had to wait 8 seconds, the hippie guy tapped on the cage and then we could undo our seatbelts and swim out of our respective windows. The second time, I had to follow my partner out of his window. The third time, he followed me out of my window. Easy, right? Being flipped upside down underwater and blind is completely disorienting. Your top becomes your bottom. Your right and left stay the same, but it doesn’t feel like it. The first time went off beautifully. The second time, I had to follow Chris and his booger out and it went terribly wrong. I waited my 8 seconds hanging like a bat in the dark and then I gave him an extra 3 to get out ahead of me. I unclasped my belt and felt for his chair, then felt for the window and then pushed myself hard and started swimming where I thought was “up”, but somehow, I wound up back in the cage and I couldn’t find my way out. I was terrified. Everywhere I swam I ran into a wall and nobody was coming to save me. My chest started doing that weird thing where it is involuntarily trying to suck in air only I wouldn’t open my mouth. I finally got out somehow. I have a feeling that old hippie guy was just going to wait for me to pass out so I would be easier to remove from the cage and if I was dead, he would get to use his brand! new! defibrillator! that he was so proud of. I couldn’t hold my breath any longer and wound up chugging and inhaling a lot of water. And then he promptly made fun of me. It was awesome. And then he made me get back in and do it over again. Let me tell you that holding your breath for 15 seconds is really hard even when you are not out of breath from ALMOST DYING.

I know that many of you are ultimately concerned about the fate of Chris’ giant booger. It was gone by lunch.

P.S. What is up with the sudden emergence of culottes? I counted three at my work today.

You are a china shop and I am a bull; You are really good food and I am full

2008-07-29T12:24:00.000-07:00

1. Thank you everybody for the condolences on my parents splitting up. That’s pretty cool of y’all. I’m ok with it as long as both of them are ok. I was upset about it at first, but then… I don’t live at home anymore so it isn’t like I have to keep turning up the TV when “All My Chidren” is on. So I am ok. I just wish they both wanted the same thing. That’s all. As long as what they want doesn’t interfere with my “All My Chidren”.

2. The Alkaline Trio is coming to Houston in October. This time I am going to wear Velcro panties and try to fling and stick myself to the bassist’s fuzzy neck cheese and then try to simulate vigorous sex acts with it until security is able to pry me away.

3. My friend, Kat, met this IT guy while dancing and he was very shy and nerdy and white and then her friend left her there so she had to get a ride back to her car with this guy and when they got in the car, he turned up TuPac and started jamming out and then lifted his polo shirt sleeve to reveal a huge Tupac tattoo and then he grabbed her arm and started swinging it all over the place while repeatedly encouraging her to "Rock the Pac!". You just never know about some people.
When I was single, I got some weirdos, but nothing like that. Although, if I did meet a guy with my same level of passion for Mr. Shakur, I would have to have to ask him to muhrry me immediately.

4. Look what I found at Lowe's! When good marketing ideas go bad:

i will follow anyone that brings me to you...

2008-07-25T06:28:00.000-07:00

1. my parents are breaking up. i secretly want to find that i have a half-sister due to an infedelity that has been hidden for many years. it would make it even more interesting if my mom hid the pregnancy from my dad and then had the baby discreetly in the bathroom on sunday while my dad ate vienna sausages and watched This Old House in his green fart chair (the one with the holes in it that served as a good spot for my brother and me to physically rub each other's faces in during fights "you smell dad's farts! smell them good!" which usually ended with the game "why are you hitting yourself?") and then maybe mom put the hide-a-baby in a basket and left it at the firestation. it would be very cool if my half sister wound up being my best friend, stephanie.

2. the show was rad. then again, they could have been completely wasted and had head injuries to cause them to say ridiculous things that don't make any sense unless you have a head injury too and they could have not even brought any instruments and just made farting noises in the microphone and i still would have been like "WOOOO! Y'ALL ARE THE GREATEST BAND EVER!!! I WANT TO HAVE Y'ALL'S BABIES!!!" after the show, we went to speakeasy and saw this guy, Jonathan Terrell, perform. he's awesome. he had a guitar and a harmonica headgear and a great voice. ryan and i danced and then we walked about 2 miles back to our hotel. we just followed the river. and then he provided me with a hamburger to shove into my maw.

i heard everybody's voice cut out when you spoke, and i watched all the lights go dim when your eyes opened

2008-07-17T13:18:00.000-07:00

I cannot wait for this week to be over! Saturday I am hanging out with my college friends and Sunday I am hanging out with one of my good friends from high school who was my first kiss in the backseat of a cutlass and I am pretty sure my mouth is still sore from that but that’s ok because I got a free movie out of it and I love free shit and so I am going to hang out with him and the three people him and his beautiful wife made. Then Monday, Ryan and I are hooking up with Gena and Brian and we are going to see the Alkaline Trio and I am going to dance and sing (which will probably traumatize Ryan into breaking up with me) and elbow people’s faces on accident. I haven’t been this excited since I learned I can pee without taking my tampon out. Are you fucking kidding me? That is awesome.

It has been an incredibly rough week. I have had some serious family issues and work issues and I came home last night to find that Bogey’s asshole had exploded all over the walls and the carpet and the crate and then he topped off his poopsundae with vomit consisting of 4 days worth of undigested food, half a sock and a dryer sheet and then he says to himself in a proud British accent, he says, “hmmm…I’ve developed quite the recipe and it does look quite comfortable! Perhaps I shall lay down in it and roll around a bit. Shall we? Yes, let’s! Oh, goody!” and then I imagine he clapped his paws thrice and dove in gracefully. I have never seen a dingleberry that is 5” in diameter before. It was like he had a waffle made of doodoofeces plastered to his backside. This incident was enough to make me swear off children forever. Or at least until the next time I see a cute one. Like this little guy right here who I caught popping caps in some asses at the skating rink:

I was eating some fruit snacks at work the other day and I am fairly certain that these grapes once belonged to some person who is probably very incredibly sad right now. Sorry I ate your cock, very tiny black man.

I bet this guy had a really pretty and cool girlfriend and one day he went to a wedding and he met this girl, and she was really hot and he wound up kissing her and so he told his girlfriend about it and she kicked him out of the house so he immediately went to this hot girl’s house and washed the shit out of her dishes and then right when he pulled his plug out of her sinkhole, he was like “Oh shit” and he went back home and she took him back but then he decided to be honest and he told her where he’d put his bottlebrush and she did this to his truck and he drove around with it like that for days because he was kinda proud in a sick way. The End.

Or perhaps he lost his testes in a terrible accident involving a monkey or a fence post or an errant lawn dart.

Which reminds me...last night I decide to seduce my boyfriend and being the mad temptress that I am, I jumped on top of him and started doing sexy things like growling and clawing at his pants and gyrating my hips. My boyfriend, who has said about 15 sentences since we started dating, immediately went into monkey facts. "Did you know that all monkeys bite?" "Common infections resulting from monkey bites include Bacteroides, Fusobacterium, streptococci, enterococci and Eikenella." "It is estimated that for every reported monkey bite, at least ten bites go unreported." So finally I stopped trying to get some and sat back, frustrated and he was all, "What? You said you wanted me to talk more."

Dolphins. Transformers 2.

The Only Two Suckers I Can Trust

2008-07-08T08:17:00.001-07:00

1. I am a straight female with a healthy appreciation for boobs. I was cleaning up my bloglines and ran across this blog that I rarely read. It took me a second to realize why I stored it in the first place. It's written by this chick with very little personality and her posts were chock full of mundane shit that I couldn't care less about. So we have that in common. But every week or so she would post a picture of her boobies. Her jiggojugs are not great. They are just plain ol' smallish boobs, but I would always scroll through all her bullshit posts to see new boob pictures. Thought process: blahblahblah, scroll scroll, blah squirrels, blah blah BOOBIES! blah blahblah, george cloony blahlhah BOOBIES! blahblah blah shoes blah, scroll scroll BOOBIES!

And I imagine this is what it is like to be a guy talking to a girl at a bar.

2. I went to buy a flat screen television this weekend to surprise Ryan when he got home from San Antonio. The manager at the electronics store told me I had lovely blue eyes and then proceeded to knock off about $400 off my total. When Ryan got home, I told him and he immediately pointed to my boobs. "You think he gave me the discount because of my boobs?! What about my lovely blue eyes?! What about my charming fucking personality?!" and I stormed off only to return a minute later and then I was all, "Ok. So maybe it was my boobs." And Ryan nodded his head proudly and looked at me like I just figured out that life was not entirely about shoes and make up (it is also about video games and beer). However disappointing it may be, I have learned a valuable lesson. 1. Men are sad creatures. 2. Men are easily manipulated. 3. Tight shirts = discounts. 4. I wish I would have shown that manager my uterus. TV's are expensive, yo.

life ain't nothin but bitches and money

2008-06-26T11:01:00.000-07:00

I went to lunch today with Denise and on our way out of the restaurant, this little dog came bounding up to us in the parking lot. There are some fairly busy streets surrounding the restaurant. We scooped this little thing up and sat in Denise's air conditioned car and tried to find the owners by calling the name on the tag. I was kind of pissed when we found them. I wanted to keep her!

The dog had very bad breath. Even looking at this picture makes me be able to smell it.

She belongs to the sweetest old black couple I've ever met. I couldn't understand a word they said, but I could tell they were very happy to have her back.

Bogey needs a girlfriend.

Can you believe that Tiger?!

2008-06-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

1. Ham had an 80’s roller skating birthday party on Saturday. It got off to a rough start. When I was supposed to be leaving, Jesus started crying – as Ryan says – and his tears were so plentiful that within 10 minutes, our street was flooded. When I looked out the window, a small burst of flames swooshed by my ear and I realized that I’d set my hair on fire on a candle. I smelled like a bad perm and burnt self-esteem all night long. It was pretty gross.

I finally made it to Ham’s. Sailor Jerry was there and not only made me feel a lot better about my Michael Jackson incident (how 80’s of me), but also made me feel super sexy until I had the opportunity to look in a mirror. Nikki and I went to get some food from Taco Bell. Nicole went to the bathroom and I was sitting by myself when this group of guys three tables over started cat-calling me. I was mortified and tried to ignore them. Nikki FINALLY got back from the bathroom and told them to knock it off because I was hers. About half-way through the meal, one of the guys came up to me.

Guy: So can I get your number?
Me: How old are you?
Guy: Um, 16.
Me: That is illegal. I am old enough to be your mother! (if I was a major slut in middle school)
Guy: Yeah, but it’ll get me ten bucks. Come on.

So I gave a 16 year old guy my number and I am pretty sure he was 14. I know. Not my proudest moment. But the look on his face when he skipped back to his little friends was priceless – like he just scored a new GI Joe Desert Wolf Ranger with kung fu grip(!!!), so it was worth it.

The skating was fun. I didn’t fall, but that was probably because I skated as little as possible. I didn't want a repeat of last year when I was standing prefectly still talking to these two guys about how good of a skater I am and how I never fall and mid-sentence, I was on the ground, panties up trying to figure out what the hell just happened until my boyfriend skated up and helped me. He's like Superman, that one. Anyway, on Saturday, one guy ran into the wall with his FACE within 10 minutes of putting his skates on. Good incentive for me to just sit there. I like it when people fall, but I don’t like people to slam their faces onto things. Bleh.

I will post more pictures later. I don’t have many with me at work.

2. I am going to Angola in September. I have been saying I am going to Africa “next month!” since I started working here and I have not gone. So I am not holding my breath. This time, though, they seem super serious about it. I will get to go offshore (!!!), so I have to take a helicopter training class just incase the helicopter doesn’t explode and just winds up falling into the ocean. This safety class consists of blindfolding me and safety-belting me into a helicopter with some other folks, then turning the helicopter upside down and submerging it in water. I have to stay calm and remove myself. HA. I get freaked out in the shower when the drain is a little clogged. I will probably just start screaming and flailing my arms until my lungs fill with water and I successfully knock out each of my lucky classmates. Then the teacher will have to jump in and save me. I hope he is hot.

3. Since both my boyfriend and I have the same sense of humor as an ADD-riddled adolescent, he sent me this picture the last time he went to a work conference. Every time I see something like this, I wonder if the company did it on purpose and, if yes, I would love to be there for the advertsing company's sales pitch. Reminds me of playing with Cale's dimpled balls.

You'd rather watch me drown than see your hands get wet

2008-06-18T07:56:00.000-07:00

I have so much going on that I feel like I am sinking in The Swamps of Sadness because I am overcome with hoplessness and I am getting all dirty and my mane is getting all matted and I got some Indian kid screaming at me that I am his best friend.

I get to go to therapy today though. This one time, and I may have even told you this already, but my therapist tried to make me be a boar with sharp pointy teeth capable of biting. And then she wanted me to pet myself. I know this can be placed into some type of logic equation. We will use my favorite binary relation: transitive property! yay!

If A = B, and B = C, then A=C

A = I like
B = Touching Myself
C = Therapy

I like therapy.

Ok. Nevermind. I just got a text from Dave saying that he got an early copy of my favorite band's album. Party. Maybe it will be a good day after all.

buurry me smilin wif g's in my pocket

2008-06-16T09:44:00.000-07:00

i am thinking about opening up my other blog again. sometimes i crave the raw, uncensored nakedness that semi-anonymity provides. i mean i can't very well go talking about washing my pickle box here because there are some folks out there that i know - that may even be related to me - that like to think of me like i like to think of Larry Appleton ; nice but annoying; respectable but but completely private-part-less. so i can't really talk about the complete benefits of mounting olympic grade still rings in the shower.

also i can't call my best friend a fucking uppity bitchface on here or she'll get pissed at me.

so i am left here, wanting to write, but not having anything to blog about except the baby possum we have that runs along the fence that we have adopted and named greg. he only comes out at night and doesn't stick around long and we are hoping it really is a baby possum. it would suck if greg wound up being a rat.

also, it is tu pac's birthday. in his honor, i will be replacing my ere sounds with urr sounds and my oo sounds with uh sounds and my th sounds with ff sounds. ex: that gentleman over thurr? he's somewhat of a dushbag and his breaf is also quite stinky. now you try. rock the pac.

what it's like (psh psh psh psh) havin a roni

2008-06-10T08:46:00.000-07:00

Why I Love My Family
Sunday I went to see Sex and the City with the ladies in my family. Upon leaving the theatre, I exclaimed, "Did y'all see that penis?!" I don't know how they could have missed it. Not only was it the size of a husky toddler arm, I called attention to it by sucking in my breath, letting out a very audible OHHH! MYYYY! GOD!, and frantically hitting the ladies on either side of me and pointing at the screen. My grandmother shrugged her shoulders and said, "I've seen so many dicks in my lifetime, it doesn't even phase me."

And this is why I want to grow up to be just like my gramma.

Why I Love My Boyfriend
He is in Canada right now freezing his perfectbubbleass off. I was reading the news and found this picture of a pack of cigarettes sold there.

We had the following email exchange:

Me: Do they really have ads like this on cigarette packs in canada?

He: They sure do. My favorite is the fetus covered in tar!!

great success

2008-05-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

We spent Memorial Day on a lake with Ryan’s family. Normally, I would be nervous spending an entire weekend with the boyfriend’s family except this year, I did damage control by creating a few simple rules which, if I followed, would prevent me from making a total ass of myself.

1. Don’t get drunk. These folks may not think a synchronized swim routine with splash sound effects and humming in the middle of the living room is as charming as, well, nobody. Nobody thinks that’s charming. Except for me. After 7 beers.

The problem with this rule is that the only thing on the boat to drink was beer. Well, they had Diet Dr. Pepper and juice and water and Gatorade, but they also had beer.

2. Do not take off swimsuit cover-ups. Keep t-shirt and shorts on throughout the entire weekend.

The problem with this rule is that once I have had a lot of beers, all of my modesty tends to leak out of my body and I throw off my clothing which is never a good thing (I earned the nickname “Loose Underwear” at one point in college). So I wound up on a wakeboard with nothing to hinder my thighs from performing the percussion section to the National Anthem, complete with cymbal crashes. Next year I am getting a one-piece with a skirt. And I am going to wear control top pantyhose underneath.

This is about 10 minutes into the boatride on Friday afternoon:

I cropped the picture so as not to damage you as I damaged several innocent Memorial Day vacationers. You're welcome.

3. Don’t say bad words.

I didn’t do so bad on this one. If you consider not “so bad” saying things like “she got a 6 inch clitoris, you know, like a girl dick” over dinner. Also, I taught Ryan’s 3 year old nephew a new word and that would be the ever-classy “Boobies!” I was pretty much giving an extensive speech about random things and the kid picks out the word Boobies! and it, of course, becomes his favorite word of the weekend. And his mom was all, “Where did he learn that?!” and I shrugged and said that public pre-schools were full of hoodlums these days and maybe she should pony up a little and look into expensive private schools.

4. Be nice to children and animals.

This was the only rule I really followed! I did try to give a dog a potato, but he wouldn’t come to me or take my potato and he just ran whenever I threw the potato at him. That was his fault. I also taught the kid to carry my alcoholic beverages for me down the hill. They make my hands too cold.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ryan wakeboards in a different way than I do. I like to get pulled up and then immediately do a faceplant and grab the rope so hard that I am unable to do so much as open a car door for the next three days. Good times.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quit reading now if you don't want to learn about my unruly peehole.

I am very prone to urinary tract infections, which if you haven't had one feels like a careless nurse is slowly inserting a hot needle into your squirter. And I am not even exaggerating. After spending the weekend at the lake where who knows what kind of bacteria decided to squat and build a campfire in my peehole, I noticed the familiar burning. Usually, I have to go to the doctor and get on antibiotics, but Steph sent an email out the other day and said to take some Alka-Seltzer and it would go away. And I was like, oh yeah right, and douching with Coke will keep me from getting the herps. But you know what?! It worked!! So far anyway. I felt like I needed to share with all you ladies out there who are all in the same boat as me. Drank some Alka-Seltzer! It tastes horrible, but I now can pee without sounding like that girl on True Life: I Have Tourettes. "You're being careless, Gramma!"

IS NOTHING SACRED?!

2008-05-06T13:57:00.001-07:00

Gena texted me today and told me that my favorite band was on The Hills last night and I was all WHAT?! and so I was like "well, it was just their music right? like the intro to one of their songs, right?" and Gena was like, "no. audrina was all 'ur voice is really great! u r so good!' and then Lo and LC were all 'yeah! u guys sound great!" and frankly, i am a little pissed. I don't know why as I shamelessly shove their CDs into the faces of every friend I have in hopes that they will too enjoy screaming and pumping their fist in their cars on the way home because it is so fucking rad. but LC? Lo? Audrina? why are you selling out, Matt and Dan and whoever the drummer is?? derrick? ok. i know i am not one to talk. i mean, your gas prices?? yeah, all my fault. i am a corporate hor. but seriously, if i go to their show on July 21st and see Heidi Montag's fashion line, I am totally going to quit fantasizing about having several children with Matt and Dan who will all be born with tattoo sleeves and lisps. That'll show them.

The saddest thing is that I totally know who heidi and audrina and lo and LC are. I am screwed. I may as well get the balls cut off my face, buy some boobs and bone brody jenner.

Alkaline Trio

Miyagi have hope for you

2008-05-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

My friend called me the other day. In the past year, he has excelled in Jujitsu, which, I’m sure is exactly like karate. Or ultimate fighting. So he told me to check out his videos on youtube. To my complete dismay, both he and his opponent were fully clothed and did a bunch of moves that consisted of various hugging formations: Hug Standing Up. Walk in Circle While Hugging. Lay on Ground and Hug. Hug with Feet. Hug From Back. At one point, somebody’s gi fell open and I got to take a look-see at some chest hair (!!!). Very exciting business. However, I was left confused and uncomfortable. Where was the blood? Where were the bikini briefs? So I quickly turned it off and did a search for old faithful – gay men masturbating while smoking cigarettes and wearing leather.

In college, I dated a guy who taught Ninjutsu and insisted on wearing his Tabi boots (had to look it up) OUT IN PUBLIC to sneak up on people because that is the only thing Ninjutsu is good for. That, and swinging a staff around like a high school color guard member because you know, every time you get into a fight at the bar, there is a freaking bo staff available. And by dated, I mean I walked into his room to find him half naked (thank God it was his top half) on the bed with candles lit so they would cast soft light on his collection of sand dragons and an Enigma tape blaring and he looked at me with one eyebrow raised and patted the bed and asked me if I liked his bare chest. Unfortunately, and I am disappointed in myself for this, but I kissed him out of pity. I am not only upset with myself for subjecting myself to that, but I owe an apology to all the other girls he used these moves on because now he thinks it actually works. In my defense, our torrid affair that involved no sex at all (but extreme amounts of embarrassment on my part) lasted about 2 days. During those two days, he asked me to take some pictures of him for his business card. I obliged (for free) and followed him to a hilltop where he flung his staff about and did little hops and somersaults. My camera, undoubtedly frightened to death, turned out none of the pictures. I told him this and he followed me around for six week sneaking up on me asking for the pictures like the “WHERE’S MY 2 DOLLARS?” kid in Better Off Dead.

ok....so....

2008-04-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

Being the weird kid I was, I took joy in making a spectacle of myself and would sometimes pretend I was an old lady or an elephant and regale children with memorized prose and terrible accents. Surprisingly, I won several awards from that even though in retrospect some of the stories I told were completely tasteless. I also did “the dog” in the stands while on the dance team and got banned from three whole football games. My parents were sure proud.

I have to give a presentation in a couple of weeks to a group of men who made my male boss burst into tears at a previous meeting. Nowadays I am terrified of speaking even in small meetings, so I got this to put in my office as a source of inspiration from ponderingpool.com:

I love it and am spending lots of time pointing it out to people who really don’t give a shit or get it. One of the higher ups came in my office today and examined the picture for a few minutes and then asked me, “Why don’t you just buy different shoes?” At first, I thought he was being metaphorical so I went along with it by saying “These are my only pair” and then he looked bewildered and was all “You were wearing red ones yesterday” and then I just sat there staring at him and then staring at the floor and then staring at him. Have you ever heard someone say something so off that you question your own intelligence? Surely I was missing something. Surely, I should be getting something here. Surely there is a punchline in there somewhere. I know I am not the snappiest twig on the tree, but he is at least 4 steps higher than me on the food chain! My work husband told me the other day that people like me never become managers. Thank God.

Note to Boyfriends...

2008-04-24T10:53:00.000-07:00

Girls like to perform little tests. It's what we do. It's all very exciting and you have no idea when they are going to occur either. It's like when you stay up late not reading your assigned reading and then get to class and you didn't even have time to pop your collar or spike your hair and the girl you like decides to sit next to you and you're freaking out because you forgot your Bod cologne and then all of the sudden the teacher smiles really big as says "Pop Quiz!" and she looks at you like she totally planned on fucking up your day...like that...only when girlfriends do it, they don't tell you there is going to be a pop quiz; they just start asking questions and grade your response with a big fucking red sharpie that is forever engrained in their brains for quick ammo if ever needed in an argument.

So when a girl asks you a question, like, I don't know, I am being totally random here, totally pulling something out of thin air, like:

Does it bother you that I have a big beer gut?

You had better put your thinking cap on and say something OTHER than:

Not at all. I love your big beer gut.

don't go mistaking paradise of a pair o' long legs

2008-04-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

1. Karma is a bitch. Not only did the girl at work tell me that I carry my weight in my belly, Ham also commented on my beer gut last night. I am expecting Nikki to round the corner in her size 2 levi's and have a frank conversation with me about my obvious addiction to food and her dire concern for my health. I have been tapping my eye all day like Paul McKenna and even with all of that preventativeness and such and whatnot, I still want to rub a cheeseburger all over my FAAACE. Note to dudes: Telling a girl she has a sexy beer gut is NOT a compliment….HAM.

2. I watched Some Kind of Wonderful on Sunday. I used to love 80’s movies. I can tell I am a grown up now and that reality has calloused up my heart. First of all, Amanda Jones appears to be smuggling a brisket between her thighs. And she quite possibly could be considering her Doug shorts. Eric Stoltz creeps me out in general. However, in this movie, he is especially creepy because all he does all day is stare at Amanda Jones and draw pictures of Amanda Jones and talk about Amanda Jones and be ~~a big pussy~~ the strong silent type when Hardy Jenns honks the horn in his face. I guess back in the day, I thought it was sweet that he was so in love with her. Now, I see it as a mental health issue. It’s gross.

Mary Stuart Masterson irritates me, but she does lick off a couple of good lines that I am saving for appropriate times “better to swallow pride than blood, man” and “get your skag and let’s go” and “oh, you want to start a book club with her?”. I appreciate her wit but not her headbands. She will always be Joon to me forever in my heart.

Anyway. I know I am getting all geriatric now because if my son spent his entire college savings on some disngenuous cum dumpster who barely gave him the time of day and then told me “I’m 18! When does my life become mine?”, I would promptly beat his ass. I mean, he doesn’t have a clue! Do you know how many cans of tuna make up a pair of diamond earrings??? No concept of money, the youth these days. No concept at all. The acting in the movie was horrible and melodramatic and totally made me cry at the end. I think I have my period or something.

Don't you wish your girlfriend had tact like me?

2008-04-16T12:27:00.000-07:00

A conversation I had with a girl I met for the first time last weekend:

Crystal: You look gorgeous pregnant!!

Girl: Yeah, I am not pregnant.

Crystal: You're lying!

Girl: Um, nope. Not pregnant, but thanks for the compliment.

Crystal: I am an asshole....well, I like your pot.

I should do like the lady on Twilight Zone (or some other weird show) whose food started talking to her and when she tried to eat a banana it started screaming and she dropped it and the fruit basket got mad and the apple started yelling "SHE KILLED HARRY!" so she sewed her mouth shut with embroidery thread. Like that.

The Hit-It List

2008-04-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

So since I made y'all do it, I did it too. You can see other people's Doing-It Lists here:

Anthony
Pants, pants, PANTS!
Theodore Grunt

After reading all of theirs it kinda makes me want to do it with each one of them or at least have them make me a mix tape. I love me some mix tapes.

Thanks, you guys, I didn't realize what a time consuming project this was!!! There are so many I left out!

Here goes mine:

Category I: Dry Humping Songs

1. Centro-Matic - Rat Patrol & DJs
There is something about this guy’s voice that makes me want to wrap myself around the first thigh I see and vigorously pump.

2. The Cure – Halo
I’ve never felt like this with anyone before…you only have to smile and I’m dizzy. One of The Cure’s less depressing songs. It makes me WANT to really like someone so this is good for people I don’t like that much but make out with anyway just so they will stop talking.

3. Promise Ring – A Picture Postcard
These guys’ lyrics are kind of confusing and the guy is actually a terrible singer, but the part at the end where he starts screaming “If I put my hands to your stomach…” makes my insides melt and explode at the same time.

4. Jets to Brazil – Sweet Avenue
Melts my butter every time. Also makes me want to smoke cigarettes and bud at my fingertips and scratch part of him that’s purring.

5. Johnny Cash & June Carter – Help Me Make It Through The Night

6. The Wailing Walls - Gimme Drugs

Category II: Getting to Know Each Other Sexytime Songs

1. Nine Inch Nails – The Perfect Drug
The part where the tempo changes and he says “and I want you” is HOT.

2. Queens of the Stone Age – 3’s & 7’s
Really hot if I can keep myself from making “wuh wuh wuh” noises in the ear of my lovah.

3. Def Leopard – Pour Some Sugar On Me
Once, while out with friends, this song came on the juke box and I stood on the bar and poured the contents of Sweet-N-Low packets into the mouths of several gentlemen who were obviously desperate for my sachrin. Hot.

4a. Otis Redding – These Arms of Mine
4b. Solomon Burke – Cry to Me
Hey, if it is good enough for Baby, it is good enough for me.

5. Damien Rice featuring Lisa Hannigan – La Fille Danse
Are you kidding me? French panty dropping music here.

6. Regina Spektor - Samson
Beautiful.

Category III: Balls to the Wall Boning Songs

1. Ice Cube – Down for Whatever
I don’t think I need to even explain this one. Pimpin ain’t easy but it’s necessary.

2. Jawbreaker – Chesterfield King
This is the same lead singer as Jets to Brazil (above). This song is an awesome love story once you figure out the lyrics. It also may not be included on the balls to the wall list because I may have to stop what I am doing to violently bob my head around.

3. Lovage – Book of Love
This song literally smells of action. You are the griddle. I am the meat. You are the circus. I am the freak. I can turn you on like the electric company.

4. Portishead – Only You

5. David Banner – Play
This is a special occasion song. It is so graphic that I have to be in the right mood or else I just giggle behind my hand and blush the entire time.

backseat windows up

2008-04-10T07:16:00.001-07:00

1. Anthony did his meme and it is damn fabulous. I now think that this information is very important when selecting a mate. Online dating should include a list of dry hump to dirty screw songs so you can tell if the chemistry is there before ever meeting them. If you are a Freaks of the Industry typeof girl, it probably won't work out with a Kenny Loggins typeof guy. Important shit, people. I brang it.

2. I am seeing my significant Auder this weekend. In college, a group of us girls sat around and shaved carrots down into Our Ideal and had a tutorial on backscratching (Miss Gena knows about backscratching). I found this picture a few weeks back. She is really hot for an earthworm, no?

Lasts for 11 Minutes

2008-04-09T13:49:00.000-07:00

holy crap. 5 posts in one week. i am going to have to take a long break after this.

SOMEONE got to my blog by searching this:

"one man and two ladies showing their peepee letting the men stick his peepee into one of the ladies and kindof hump with his peepee with video that lasts for eleven minutes"

HAHAHAHAHAHA. they think kindof is one word!!!

freaking lawyers.

cada dia te quiero mas

2008-04-09T12:49:00.000-07:00

i really hope that pants and EA and matt and bryan and anthony don't get too stressed out about their assignment. if you are feeling like it is too racy for you or that you will be shunned by your friends and loved ones, i totally understand. plus, it is a meme. i suck for that.

anyway, ham sent me this video and i thought i'd share seeing as how it is pretty rad.

also, i am going to share this website with you. you go there, type in the name of an artist or song you like and it will play music similar to that artist or song. may i suggest starting with manu chao or bebe? the lady who came to collect my trash today actually did a jig when she overheard it. i have been on a gipsy kings kick. i seldom understand them, but i like to make up the words. what is the spanish word for big player and hoochie business?

when i was in college, my roommate and i occasionally dressed up like superheroes. more me than her because i am obviously the retardedest out of the two of us. and while she is slightly less retarded than me, she also forgot to secure a tape that had the two of us choreographing dance routines in full on superhero gear. that tape got stolen and i am constantly in fear that it will wind up on youtube. but only because the cape i was wearing was actually not a cape at all, as it was a tropical printed sarong. well, let me tell you something. i have a date with my old roommate this weekend. i bet she still remembers the chroeography to Lil Troy's Wanna Be A Baller Shot caller 20 Inch Blades on this Mazda Balla get laid tonight Swisha rolled tight got it sprayed with ice...
it is on this weekend.
J-Train, C-Dog. What.

Hello! Is It Me You're Looking For??

2008-04-08T12:57:00.000-07:00

This post is inspired by Pants’ comment on my last post:

I love that you announced your favorite Doing-IT song. I've been thinking about posting a list of those...

Typically, I would think that’s an excellent idea for a meme, only I contain fierce hatred deep within my soul for all things meme. So, Pants, I am starting it and you are tagged and the last time I felt like this big of a dork was when I started my period at band camp and improvised in the supply department and then thirty minutes later saw the drum major kicking my wad of toilet paper around the marching field. There is nothing dorkier than playing a woodwind in front of 60 peers with a feather on your head and a stain on your pants. But I digress. Back to this here thing I’m bout to bust out. I am not actually going to do the meme because I suck like that, but I am going to make the rules. I think that Doing-It Songs must be broken down into at least three categories.

Rules:3

Category I: Dry Humping Songs (Songs 6-15 on your set list)
Please keep in mind that the set list numbers are variable and are based on my own personal taste. The first 5 songs are dedicated to making dinner or trying to figure out if the dude likes you enough to chafe his entire groin area on the inside of his Bugle Boys.

Category II: Getting to Know Each Other Sexytime Songs (Songs 15-23)
This is for when you finally start doing it, but aren’t comfortable enough with each other to really let your hair down and let them know about your slapping/choking/doodoofeces fetish. These songs should be sweet enough to put you in the mood, but not serious enough to fag the person out. I can’t tell you how many times Lionel Richie’s bad timing has been responsible for me kicking a guy out of my house.

Category III: Balls to the Wall Boning Songs (Songs 23-35, or depending on the guy 23-23.5)
These are after you’ve known each other for a good 6 months (or if you’re me, 3rd date) and are comfortable enough with each other to make hardly legal requests and call each other disrespectful names. This Category is obviously going to be the greatest in contrast from Category I. If you happen to hear these songs while frantically trying to burn a hole in someone’s leg, it may be a little overwhelming and make you feel like a “bitch” or a “ho”. Just a warning. Personally, I will suggest some gangster rap or some Motley Crue.

Other people I am going to tag besides Pants are people who have tagged me so they obviously do not mind. EA, Anthony, Matt & Bryan.