Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Goodbye Innocence

Things that I saw last night that I could have probably gone without seeing EVER:

1. A black man named Shishi in a blonde wig who told me in a Mister T sounding voice, "I would dance here, but they don't let girls dance here and I'm a girl so...."

2. A queen named Willow showed me his stuff. I don't know about you guys, but until last night, the amount of "stuff" I have seen with my bare eyes in person can be counted on 1 hand. I saw lots of stuff. Not even on purpose. I think these guys honed in on me as the innocent little straight girl with the gay best friend that they could corrupt with their...you know....parts.

3. I looked to my left and saw a 55 year old cowboy sucking on some college kid's buub and then gave him money for it.

4. This "straight" dancer decided to spread my legs and simulate some kind of humping motion while I hid my face and screamed. Afterwards I noticed I was covered in some kind of something which I am assuming (hoping, praying) was Baby Oil.

4 is enough for right now. I have to let this out little bits at a time so I don't have a nervous breakdown.

25 Comments:

Blogger ekki said...

Obviously you haven't gone to enough gay bars. I have been known as somewhat of a fag hag in the past and I have seen lots of "interesting" things in the bars. Now, of course, I am sheltered since I hardly ever go to bars. I have to admit that I never left covered in some unknown-baby-oil-like substance before. Stay out of the bathrooms if you don't like that!

2:09 PM  
Blogger markis said...

hey crystal, have a question for you.

? what do horses eat?

2:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's Ramon

All I can think to say is..........run for your life!!!

LOL

2:12 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

markis - is this some type of trick question? they eat horse food and....???? where are you going with this?

2:20 PM  
Blogger markis said...

ok, ok. it was a loaded question, yes.

they eat hay, yes?

now, what do gay horses eat?

2:31 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

i thought just cows ate hay. i thought horses needed more substance because they have to lug our fat asses around everywhere. horses like oats and carrots and mashed potatoes better than hay.
and is there such a thing as a gay horse? i never thought about it. but what do they eat?

2:33 PM  
Blogger markis said...

ok, even tho you ruined a perfectly good bad joke.

haaaaaaaaaaeeeey

maybe next time i tell it i'll use cows. but horses are better for the imagination...;)

2:36 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

oh that is very funny, markis.

2:41 PM  
Blogger Sir Craig of Highbury said...

There is no homosexuality in the animal kingdom. Only humans are capable of corrupting the beauty and love that God gave us.

4:47 PM  
Blogger The Kept Woman said...

Alright, admittedly that sounds like a pretty good time.

Then again, I think dinner away from my kids at Taco Bell sounds like a good time.

7:11 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Ewww! That's all I can say about that sliming.

Oh yeah, how long until you regain your eyesight?

9:20 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

It sounds like you had a great time at the gay bar, but it doesn't work the other way around for some reason. The one time I went to a lesbian bar, I was treated a bit like an outcast. I found that I was safe as long as I sat in the corner and quietly drank my beer.

1:10 AM  
Blogger Thomas said...

This perfectly explains why I left Texas. It is way too liberal down there.

1:39 AM  
Blogger Sir Craig of Highbury said...

Most people in Texas are not in to that filth Thomas.

2:06 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Sir Craig, I am so disappointed that you are insecure with your sexuality. You are lucky you're pretty because, otherwise, I wouldn't hang out with you.

6:17 AM  
Blogger ekki said...

Sir Craig, I am not going to get into an argument with you, but I just want to give you these links.

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/07/0722_040722_gayanimal.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality_in_animals

http://www.rockhawk.com/Gay%20Animals.htm

Lots of animals are gay.

7:22 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Sir Craig....

If you hate the penis so much, why are you posting pictures of them on your blog?

http://downtheboozer.blogspot.com/2006/03/up-arse.html#comments

funny how it says "Up the Arse"

i had no idea, craig

8:26 AM  
Anonymous denise said...

I'm still kinda chucklin from this, Crystal. Sorry, but that's the FIRST thing that popped into my head when I saw it - being the Dirty Fat & Sassy Ole Gal I am *LOL* Glad you "saw" it too, you'll make a Fine Dirty Ole Gal when your time comes ;-)

Somehow I don't expect my comment to be approved on his Blog... :-D

8:37 AM  
Blogger markis said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:37 AM  
Blogger ekki said...

It is also funny how the title of the page if you go there says "Down The Boozer: Up the Arse!!!" I love it!

8:59 AM  
Blogger Sir Craig of Highbury said...

It is football humour... "arse" is short for Arsenal aka Arsenal Football Club. Some of the best jokes ever are homosexual jokes and catholic jokes.

9:53 AM  
Blogger Sir Craig of Highbury said...

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

10:06 AM  
Blogger markis said...

what about for women who used to be men?

11:38 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

yeah, craig, what about shishi?

11:44 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

alright craig, that's enough. i'm usually pretty laid back about this sort of thing, but you are crossing way too many lines. do it on your own blog.

12:41 PM  

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