I haven't been blogging because I have been busy with a kid. And facebook
. And Pinterest
. And drinking wine in all my spare time....including now. However, I am feeling like blabbing tonight and it is too late to call people on a school night and everyone is asleep so I can't perfect my chair routine to "Freeze Frame"
lest I wake someone up and they want a bottle of milk or sex. So I will take it out on my poor laptop who is all, "I thought you were on vacation!" Never gets a break, this one.
Something that happened recently: I got fake eyelashes. I was getting my nails done and the lady who always asks if I want my lip waxed even though I don't have a mustache said, "oh, honey, you wan eyelash. only 80 dollar." and I was like, "what? i wan eyelash?" and after a few minutes of broken English
and frustrated nodding on my part, I was laying down with tape over my bottom lids getting eyelashes individually glued on for an hour and a half. Having your bottom eyelids taped down for that long is scary as shit. You can't open your eyes and sometimes the lady doing the whole thing gets up to DO SOMEONE'S
NAILS without telling you and you can hear her in the background criticizing someone else's
mustache. When I was finally done and she gave me the mirror, I was in shock. I looked like this
. I could hardly open my eyes and she gave me some bull about how I will get used to it and how I look very pretty. I have braided them and taped them to my eyebrows. Also, the whole "if i can't see you, you can't see me" rule does not apply. I found myself deliberately not making eye contact with people in hopes that they wouldn't notice the hungry spider vaginas
peering off my face, but no such luck. Folks were like, "WHOA! Did you get fake eyelashes?" So, the moral of the story is, when you're having a bad day, it could always be worse. You could have made the decision to spend $80 getting false eyelashes put on and they look ridiculous and you have to walk around with that shit superglued to your face for 3-6 weeks.
My profession allows me to visit many different oil field locations in places like East Texas. Sometimes, when I get to talking to these good ol'
boys, my grammar may slip a little. I may even say things like, "Whoooo doggie
, them some hot coveralls" or something like that. I think it has to do with me feeling like I am back at home and I usually get a warm reception from the guys at rigs. So one day when I was at work, a cowboy actually told me my grammar was atrocious. He asked me if I even went to school. Now, I pride myself on knowing how to use proper grammar. That was the only class I ever aced in school. However, I tend to use creative license in every day speak and on my blog (gimmie a break I am drinking). Kind of like when I refused to name my kid Gladys or Hillis because I didn't want to put people in the position of using the s'
or the s's
. God forbid someone give me a homemade sign to hang in her room that said "Gladys's Toys". I couldn't live with it. Even though that may be the correct usage, who really knows? That is something I am not comfortable with and I am not going to subject my child to years of scrutiny when she is referring to her posessions.
ANYWAY, so this guy told me my grammar was atrocious and I have since set out to prove to him that my grammar is, in fact, amazing. He wound up friending me on our office instant messenger and I am finding it stressful. I am using complete sentences and expressing my feelings in actual words instead of emoticons or phrases like "i b chillin. what u doin?". Do you guys know how hard it is to end a sentence without a preposition??? So I have found myself using "with which" a lot. What makes me sound like a bigger douchebag? I finally broke down and told him the pressure he was putting me under (the pressure in which he was putting me?) and he didn't even know what a preposition was!!!!!!! fml.
So yeah, I have a kid. She just turned 1 last week and she is awesome. I am going to leave you with a music video she made to LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It" because I have become one of those parents that forces people to stare at her kid. Yep.
Blogger won't let me embed it for some reason, so here is a link
to the video. Warning: She has passion in her pants and she ain't afraid to show it.