Things that made me laugh yesterday

1. Steph called me. She works in HR. She was laughing so hard she could barely get the words out and she goes, "I just got this email and it says, "Please inform me of the process for change my wife name from Anna Poopisuit to Anna Pisasuit". That sucks.


2.
Knock Knock

Who's there?

Not Michael Jackson!

Steph told that joke to Jenny and Jenny said, "Well, ok, who is it then???"

Father Eric made me do it

Ok, so update on my cousin and then I will talk about fabulous things. First of all, thanks for all the comments! Some of them really got me talking to my family about stuff that needed to be talked about. The kid is adamant he had a boating accident even though the closest he has ever come to anything boat related was three years ago when he skied down a gravel road on a refrigerator door pulled by a pick up. He got an MRI and a spinal tap and everything came back clear. He hasn’t exhibited signs of depression; he still goes to work and school without being told and apparently likes to party (noted by the human teeth imprints left on his upper thigh). He just gets mad because he doesn’t want to follow rules and, apparently, has no conscience. He is in a psychiatric facility, but they can only keep him for 7 days. I am sure glad he made it so I can be pissed at him. Mad is always better than sad.

Jay actually left a ridiculously sincere comment so I know I am being way too pathetic and need to get back to writing about fart jars and gay men wearing leather while masturbating and smoking on youtube. Smoking cigarettes, people.

I went skinny dipping in a saltwater pool on Friday night. I don’t think I have done that since college. Wait. I may have at a party a couple of years ago but there was no water involved; just a couple of very embarrassed family members. I can’t talk about that here though. I also can’t talk about how the dog fell into the pool three seconds after I realized that my plug was missing (not a good feeling, ladies and gentlemen). The dog can swim, but I wouldn’t describe him as a confident swimmer, so basically what had happened is that the dog was trying to get his ball and fell in and immediately started looking at Ryan like, “HOLY GOD GET THE SONOFABITCH LIFE SAVING POLE AND WHILE YOU’RE DOING THAT, I WILL CONTINUE TO THRASH VIOLENTLY, THUS SCRATCHING ANYONE WITHIN 2 FEET INCLUDING MY OWN STOMACH WHICH I WILL THEN RUB ALL OVER YOUR LIGHT GRAY INTERIOR WHEN YOU DRIVE ME HOME AT 4AM” and at the same time, I was looking at Ryan like, “Where the fuck is my tampon?” and Ryan was like, “One crisis at a time, baby” and he swam over to the dog. I loves a man who take contro. I didn’t actually wind up losing anything, btw. I had it the whole time. Details get sketchy after a bottle of wine and the euphoria that comes from kicking a cocky dude’s at dominoes.

I keep getting in trouble in the horse class because I keep trying to make my horse run when the instructor is not looking and I get caught and yelled at every time. Probably because every time the horse starts running, I involuntarily go, “Wahoooooooooooo!!!” and draw attention to myself which I also get in trouble for. Apparently, you’re not supposed to scream when you’re on their backs because it freaks them out. Who knew?

So....

I feel like I shouldn't be writing about this, but then maybe the statistics shoot up every year because it is such a taboo subject.

I have a 17 year old cousin who comes from a good family (brushin my shouldas off), drives a nice car, is popular, has nice clothes. He lives in a small town and has recently been fighting with his parents about curfews and drinking/pot...normal stufff that most kids fight with their parents about. Well, kids that don't know how to just do it and get away with it like me (just kidding, Mom!). Anyway, after a fight with his parents, he hung himself on Friday. His mom found him hanging in the closet by a ripped up pillow case. She cut him down and did mouth-to-mouth. He was life-flighted to Houston where he stayed in a coma on life support for about 30 hours. My aunt and uncle had no idea if he was going to make it or, if he did, if he would have permanent brain damage. Luckily, he woke up early Sunday morning. Since he was intibated(sp?), he was unable to talk, but communicated by blinking. They took out the tube yesterday and he was able to talk. He doesn't appear to have suffered any brain damage, but he is very confused. He told the nurse he was in a boating accident and almost drown. When I was there yesterday, he asked his mom if he was sick. He's got a huge bruise all the way around his neck and he feels absolutely miserable physically. It is going to be a long road to recovery.

This has been absolutely heartbreaking for my family. I hope that this will call attention to a very serious problem that is on the rise. More teens are committing suicide now than ever. Please be sensitive and watch for warning signs. They don't realize how precious they are.

Update: Psyche came to visit my cousin. He swears up and down he was in a boating accident and that his parents have some sort of conspiracy thing going on. He thinks the bruise around his neck is from the oxygen and thinks the doctors are saying what his parents want them to. They moved him to a regular room and have a 24-hour sitter with him. Does anyone know about this type of thing? Is his denial typical for this type of thing?

Fu Man Chu

I went to get a manicure/pedicure last week and while I was there, I decided to get my eyebrows waxed. When the lady was done ruthlessly tearing out my eyebrow hair, she goes, "Wan me geh yo rip?" so I smiled and nodded becuase I can't understand foreigners and just agree with everything they say. I guess I assumed she was asking me if I was sleepy or wanted her to slather baby oil all over my body. So then she gets her little popsicle stick with wax all over it and started coming at my face with it and I was like, "Whoa, there! Where ya goin with that??" and she goes, "I geh yo rip" and then it hit me. She is trying to wax my LIP. SHE THINKS I HAVE A MUSTACHE. WTF. OMG, y'all. I told her no way, dude, because I know if I let her put that wax on my lip, it will grow back thick and black and I will look like this. So I spent the rest of the weekend asking people if they thought I had a mustache and severely judging them if they gave anything close to an affirmative answer.

Example:
Crystal: Do you think I have a mustache?
Friend: No
Crystal: Seriously, look at me in the sunlight
Friend: OK, you may have a tiny little bit of peach fuzz
Crystal: Well, you're fugly and your credit score fucking sucks

Not a good time for anyone last weekend.

Also, fried cauliflower is delicious.

ear wiggling awesomeness

1. My mom and I went horseback riding last night. This is the horse I rode:


His name is Amir. I love him and I didn't want to leave. We had a great time. It was exactly like a date except for I didn't have to perform the obligatory thanks-for-the-cheeseburger handjob so he would leave my house early.

2. There is a photoshop contest at work and by photoshop contest, I mean the guys are so bored that they capture their foul body smells in mud sample jars and ask people to pull their finger and microsoft paint each other in precarious situations. I mean! They took this picture of me on a fishing trip and put Jason's head on it!!! Real mature, guys.

Nice tits, Jason.

These are grown men! Ok, so I gave in and this is my first photoshop:

One of the things I like best about the above photos is that there is absolutely no sign of any effort to make them look realistic at all.

I like my job today.

So there is this guy at work...

...and I am pretty sure he wanted to do me until I threatened to kick him in the feelings a few weeks ago at the bar that "is tame before 7" (the long tiddied bar, the big fat liars). Well, 10 minutes ago he brought to me a jar that is normally storage for mud samples and I did not open it (Praise Jesus) as I found out later that it contained his fart. Since he doesn't want to do me anymore, he has obviously moved on to disrespecting me with his sour ass package.

I am still here, yo

1. So last week I went to Midland/Odessa for work. My company gave me these fancy peen-pulling wheels so I can cruise around and pick me up some West Texas cowboys. The girl at the car rental place was like, "all we have ready is a minivan. is that ok?" and I was like, "No" and then she was like, "SIGH, alright, I will go clean one for you" and there was a line behind me and I was like, "fine" and then she gave me the keys and I was walking out to the lot and I was thinking, "Please don't let it be that one at the end. Please don't let it be spot #43". No such luck.



Once inside, I was impressed with the roominess, the side impact airbags and the 7 passenger seating and the fact that no other minivan has a higher safety rating, but I refused to like it simply because it would make me slightly less awesome to people who don't know how awesome I am for real. When I was a kid, our family had a ford aerostar which was not embarrassing at all and whenever my mom drove around corners, my dad would squeeze the armrests and go, "Goddammit, Sarah! THIS THING IS TOP HEAVY!" which was not terrifying in itself at all so I took the corners slowly. My dad would be so proud.

2. I got home from work a couple of weeks ago and leaned down to get my purse and then all of the sudden, Ryan's house ran into me. or maybe I forgot to put it in the "P" gear. So I jumped out and ran around to the front of the vehicle and there was no damage to my bumper. Whew! Dodged that bullet. Now no one will ever know! And then Ryan called me that evening when I was out and said, Did you run into the house? and I was like, What are you talking about?? And then he told me that the house looked like it was about to fall down.

3. I went to my friend, Audrey's graduation and following party. I made fun of every graduate that tripped on the stairs and then right after they called Audrey's name, I bolted and tripped on the stairs in front of everyone so that was awesome. Also, some friends and I made a whirlpool in the swimming pool by running around the sides of the pool and then I woke up inside a school bus on a wheel hump.

4. Friday night I went to another dildo party and my mom also went so that wasn't awkward. It especially wasn't awkward when the lady tied me up, blindfolded me, called me a bad girl and spanked me in front of her. Then we had to pass a giant rubber double dick from person to person without using our hands.

Monday, my dad called and asked if Ryan and I wanted to go to my nephew's baseball game. Our conversation went like this:

Me: I don't think so, Dad. I am getting a urinary tract infection.

Dad: Well, maybe if you didn't play with those double headed dildos

Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dad!

Dad: It's ok. I have been to those parties before...

Me: Oh God

Dad: ...as a prop

Me: Dad! Grode!!!

Dad: Don't worry. It was a small party if you know what I mean.

So in addition to a urinary tract infection, I also have severe psychological trauma.

5. And just in case you didn't know...

6. I am spending the weekend in Fort Worth because Nanci is getting married! Wooooooooooooooo! Love me some Fort Worth. It is like Austin but with more cowboy boots.

I got a new job, yo! Except for it is at the same company and I am going to be doing the exact same thing! The only difference is I am going to be closer to home. I am kind of bummed because I like traveling and I am pretty sad that I won't be getting anymore boudin anytime soon or dodging requests to look at a particular manager's balls or learning how to do the sexy fat man dance (hair toss hair toss, belly rub, shimmy shimmy). I will get to go to West Texas. I've never been there before, but hear I should take precaution because the dust storms there could break your skin and also I knew a guy from there in college who stole all of my camera equipment and syphened the gas out of my car so that should be exciting... Our company underwent a massive reorganization and 25% of people got laid off! How I convinced them to keep me is beyond my comprehension. I seriously have been so busy, I can hardly make a decent b.m. but if you ask me what I have been doing, I will just look at you all empty-like and ask you to repeat yourself, but use different words and then I will just get angry and change the subject to how uncoordinated you are or how you look like you've been gaining weight in your face.

We had a team meeting 3 days in a row last week. For this team build, we went bowling. Prior to bowling, I decided to meet one of my work friends out at happy hour. They tricked me into going into a semi-tiddy bar which I will probably have to post about separately once I recover from the memory of the longest boobies I have ever seen. So then I met my team for bowling and my new boss was carrying a pitcher of beer and he spilled a tiny bit on the carpet and this strange guy ran over to the spot like he was tracking an errant golfball at the US Open and pointed at it and started yelling, "You spilled beer! You spilled beer!" and so I went over to him and he started yelling about how it will GET ON HIS TOES! and how I am an AMATUER and how he plays for money, he doesn't come in and DISREPECT OTHER PLAYERS TOES. wtf. And that guy looked like this:



So I immediately thought, you know, this guy needs to get laid or something because that is really the only reason people are ever assholes and then I saw him go sit down next to this lady in matching clothes who was looking at him all cow-eyed so obviously he was hittin dat. I guess I would be mad too though if all I had to wear was cut off blue jean shorts and a ponytail and an American flag shirt with an eagle and a Harley on it.

I am showing you a picture of what Bogey does when he rides with me in my car. He gazes at me with such admiration, I feel like I'm It. Also, it appears that this 80lb dog is the same size as my ginormous hand.

Thank You So Much!

Everyone who went and donated to Denise or offered her words of support or included her in your prayers, thank you so much! Johnny Virgil, Matt, Bronx, Nikki, Mop! I know a lot of you by blog names and not by real names so if you donated thank you thank you thank you!

It means a lot to me that there are people out there who care. We are all going to need help sometime. It's nice to know that we have people to lean on even if we have never met.

You guys are fucking RAD.

She is my friend...

Prior to the job I have now, I worked for a major corporation. When I started there four years ago, I felt extremely out of place. There used to be this kid, Paul, in my 2nd grade math class and everytime the teacher asked a question, Paul would flop around in his chair like a dying goldfish and wave his arm frantically in the air make "OOOoooo!!! Oooooo!!" noises while I sat in the back of the class eating chalk. Working there was like working with a thousand Pauls. Denise was pretty much my first friend there...someone I could really trust and I spent hours in her office griping about boyfriends and work and plotting to jump people at 3:15.

Denise and I became very close and I started depending on her for her moral support and her blunt advice. About a year ago, Denise found a tumor in her breast and was diagnosed with a staph infection. It was really breast cancer and she didn't find out until 9 months later. So they diagnosed her with Stage 2 breast cancer. After another medical miscalculation, she found that it has spread to her bones (4 of her vertebrae) and possibly her liver and brain. This would put her in stage 4 which is terminal.

Not to get too personal here, but Denise is a contractor and doesn't have health insurance. Also, if she doesn't work, she doesn't get paid. Her options at this point are going to be very hard on her body, her emotions and will be very very expensive as well. Please check out her website and donate if you feel inclined. She needs all the emotional and monetary support she can get. Her co-workers are also throwing her a spaghetti lunch fundraiser in May here in Houston. If you want to come, email me here.

She is a very special, beautiful person who is too young and full of life to be facing this kind of obstacle. I never ask people for money (parents and boyfriends excluded), but this is very very important to me. If you don't want to or are unable to donate funds, please stop by her blog and offer her words of support. She needs as much positive energy as she can get.

Denise rocks the house, y'all!

Boudin Mmmm Mmmmm

I had to come to Louisiana on the fly this week as one of my fellow HS&E Specialists had the need for some help and I am nothing if not helpful. I may take up a lot of time with random questions, but I am good at moral support. My dad bought my mom a t-shirt one time and it said, "I may be slow...but I'm good". I'm exactly like that shirt if you add "at hugs" to the end.

Anyway, this is what breakfast in Louisiana looks like. Fucking yum, right? So I was all, "May I have a fork and a knife?" because I am nothing if not a lady and the guy was like, "Just wrapa napkin round it and suck the meat out." Riiiiight. So I did and it is super delicious even though I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window and it looks like I am severely enjoying a ripe turd. I had half a mind to break it up with a coat hanger first.