Monday, April 10, 2006

Boyfriends = Bleh

You know I couldn't get through the day without giving a boy-update. It's the way I roll, yo.

My friend Audrey told me awhile back that if I got into a relationship within 4 months of the breakup with Brendan, that she was going to have to check me into Co-Dependents Anonymous. (I had a 5 year relationship with Asswipe I and then met Asswipe II three weeks after Asswipe I and I broke up).

I really really want to be independent. I really really want to learn to live completely alone and stop dragging couch cushions to bed with me. I really really want to be single for at least a year. This is the whole reason I want to date the bad boys because I don't want to deal with someone that makes my heart start jumping around because when that happens then I set myself up for some heart-butchering and that is no fun.

So I met this one "bad boy" about 3 weeks ago in a coffee shop. I figured he would be fun to hang out with on a very informal basis. So we started hanging out last week (Thurs.). I had a date on Friday with a different guy, but I couldn't stop thinking about the Thurs. guy so I saw him again on Saturday and we talked for hours. During a conversation about matter and energy, my heart started doing that weird effing heart thing that it does when it thinks someone is the bee's knees. And, no, I wasn't drinking. I couldn't. I was/am sick so every 5 minutes I'd have to turn my head and hock up a hard one. Pretty hot, huh? Yeah, I'd do me.

Well, apparently somehow he saw past all the phlegm and decided that I was the bee's knees too and now he calls and text messages me all day long. Normally, when guys are all up my ass like that, I get really annoyed, but it's nice. I am pretty sure this guy is looking for a relationship because he told me he'd be heart-broken if I started dating someone else.


No, Crystal. No. Effing. Boyfriends.

But he sure is swell.

And he's got a great ass.

And beautiful eyes.

And he's incredibly smart.

And funny.

The only thing is that he will be leaving to do his residency thing soon and maybe that will be suck, but maybe that is what I need so I don't go off and start getting another dumb boyfriend.


Blogger The Grunt said...

Two dates, a movie, text messages, all while hocking up loogies. Wow, you know how to partay. This flurry of posts had me in stitches, Crystal. You=a seventh hernia for me from laughing too hard.

11:48 AM  
Blogger Ashley said...

Liking a guy is a freakin' pain in the ass.

I feel much too kills me!!!

11:48 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Well I hope that you figure it out. I say independance is great, but then I am single at the moment.... so whatever.


11:49 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

grunt - i am glad you find my terrible snot affliction so humorous. perhaps on the way home a large bird will crash through my windshield and break my browbone and it shall be a grand har-de-har for th grunt-man. :P

ashley - no kidding. once you start liking, then you start worrying, then you start picking yourself apart and then you start trying to trim your thigh fat with a butter knife. i am all too familiar with that type of thing.

scott - the grass is always greener though. well, actually right now, i think you and i are standing on the greener lushiest grass because you know how bad relationships suck the bull's ass.

12:11 PM  
Blogger roxie said...

***le sigh***
p.s. I <3 bad boys.

1:48 PM  
Blogger ekki said...

Crystal, are you sure I can still come visit you this weekend? It seems like you might not be able to fit me in between all the dates.

2:10 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

There's great comedy in tragedy. No, I wish you well, Crystal. I'll focus real hard for you, chanting, "Mucus be gone!" or "Flu bug, disperse!!!"

Anyways, I figured out the cheese jerky thing. All will be revealed soon.

Also, if you marry that doctor, will you guys consider adopting a spaz. See, I am an orphaned spaz in need of a home. You can find me at the pound. I'm potty trained, mostly. I'll even make you cheese jerky. There's your yuk-yuk, hardee-har fix at my expense.

4:32 PM  
Anonymous sexylovepit's mom said...

Oh, NO! We already spent your wedding and reception money on new tile for the floor, granite countertops for the kitchen, table and chairs, stove, dishwasher, microwave, big screen TV and Bose stereo system. You could always get married at the gazebo downtown (the courthouse renovation should be complete by then), and then we could invite everybody over to the house for a reception of hot dogs and cupcakes. If you get married next month, the lightning bugs would lend a beautiful ambiance to the reception.

Love, Mom

5:20 PM  
Anonymous sexylovepit's mom said...

P.S. Dr. King would probably even let you use the billy goat wagon as your "going away" vehicle--we could tie tin cans on the back of the wagon. The billy goat is very strong--I got to be the first to ride it. :) It would certainly be unique. We'd probably have to do something about the buzzard family reunion in the back forty. Do you think we could convince the guests that they are actually fifty large black doves? Everything's bigger in Texas. That might work! Let me know if I need to get back in "wedding planning" mode.

Love, Mom

5:27 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

This guy..that dealt with your phlegmatic personality?...he's one of the bad guys?

He doesn't sound like a bad guy to me; no wonder your heart is double-dutching.

By the way, tell your Mom to stay in "wedding planning" mode; I would like to be one of the fifty large black doves (Haven't had any real acting gigs in a while).

Just need to BE the dove....ommm...

11:19 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

Please check baggage at the door. If you're dating, you're ready. So what if you've had relationships that didn't work? So have we all. Go jump on this guy's face and get it over with already.
Really, how 'bad' can this guy be if he's going off on his residency?

3:00 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

Crystal-- you are too much. Seriously, I need to take lessons.

8:16 AM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

Wait. You're coughing up a lung and he's about to serve his residency? There's a failure here somewhere...

8:48 AM  

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