Another email from a friend...
These are actually excerpts from a few different emails, but they crack my shit up, so I thought I'd share in hopes of cracking your shit up too.
"My relationship with my ex was a lot of work. I never once cheated on her, though. Though I did have a lot of sex with strange women when I was with her (and by "strange women" I mean hookers, and by "hookers" I mean cheap whores, and by "cheap whores" I of course mean young, taut, nubile men)."
"I love the fact that you can quote "Poison" at the drop of a hat. I've been blaring that song at home and at work. I am totally on board with your plan of making up a dance routine. Leap frog? F-ck yes there will be leap frog. You think I f-ck around with my dancing? Come on, Crystal, you should know me better than that. Once, I was in a dance-off at my law firm, and this f-cking homeslice fronts on me by dancing without a leap frog. I basically said to him, "Gary, you douchepump. Is that a joke? No leap frog? Seriously? I'm giving you a mulligan on this one. Start over, and at least put in a leap frog. No leap frog insults me; it's too easy for me to win. We don't have time to f-ck around on this one. You know there's a war going on in Iraq, right?"
"When I was a baby, I once had a temporary case of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome), and it pretty much kicked me in the balls. I was able to walk it off, though."
"My relationship with my ex was a lot of work. I never once cheated on her, though. Though I did have a lot of sex with strange women when I was with her (and by "strange women" I mean hookers, and by "hookers" I mean cheap whores, and by "cheap whores" I of course mean young, taut, nubile men)."
"I love the fact that you can quote "Poison" at the drop of a hat. I've been blaring that song at home and at work. I am totally on board with your plan of making up a dance routine. Leap frog? F-ck yes there will be leap frog. You think I f-ck around with my dancing? Come on, Crystal, you should know me better than that. Once, I was in a dance-off at my law firm, and this f-cking homeslice fronts on me by dancing without a leap frog. I basically said to him, "Gary, you douchepump. Is that a joke? No leap frog? Seriously? I'm giving you a mulligan on this one. Start over, and at least put in a leap frog. No leap frog insults me; it's too easy for me to win. We don't have time to f-ck around on this one. You know there's a war going on in Iraq, right?"
"When I was a baby, I once had a temporary case of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome), and it pretty much kicked me in the balls. I was able to walk it off, though."
posted by Crystal at 9:34 AM
7 Comments:
So it's your friends that are funny.
yes. i have no sense of humor so i post vicariously through them.
"Gary, you douchepump" Classic!
I needed that laugh. Thanks, Crystal!
I just sent you an email talking about how poor people actually vanish when I use my American Express Centurion card. It's a hoot. Your readers will thank me in 2007.
My shit is cracked alright. Ewww, I think it just broke in two.
Maybe your friend was off the Ritalin when he wrote this - soooo hilarious!
Thanks again for passing on the laughs
Sheeeeewooo!
Gettin' kicked in the balls by SIDS is rough!
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