Thursday, June 08, 2006

Here You Go, Mr. Hands

Here’s a riddle.
1. Every woman experiences one. 2. Nice men never understand them. And. 3. They provide hours upon hours of raunchy slap-myself-in-the-face loving.

Go ahead. Guess what I’m referring to.

Answer: The A**hole Phase.

I’m not afraid to admit it. I am going through one right now and I know exactly why. It is by choice. You hear me? Choice. I also know why women go through these phases; why they go for men who are scum-sucking, jobless, unfaithful (to you or his wife), rude pieces of garbage not worthy of the epithelials we shed during our sea salt mud wraps. I have been asked why women do this to themselves three times this week, so I decided to post about it. There are two categories. I am a Type 2, by the way, with some Type 1 tendencies.

Type 1: A Type 1 woman doesn’t know she is in the a-hole phase and continuously whines to all her friends (and even strangers) about how much her boyfriend sucks. These women typically have low self-esteem. Doing nice things for the mean man makes her feel better about herself because, dammit, she is a good person because she puts up with his crap and still manages to keep a roof over his head, shoes on his feet, and food on her table (for him to eat).

Type 2: A Type 2 woman is very aware about the phase she has chosen for this period of her life. She has been burned in the past and doesn’t want any kind of sweet guy sniffing around because he will only be harder to push around and be bitchy to, and that’s what she needs right now – to call the shots. Selecting a less-than-awesome man can also be an advantage because who cares if it doesn’t work out? He was an a-hole anyway. The Type 2 woman views the a-hole man as a feral hog in need of taming. If he becomes tame or not isn’t the issue as how much fun it is to conduct the actual whipping. This teaches the hog respect, which he will not learn from Type 1’s. It’s a very important process. And it works.

So this is why nice guys finish last. I am sure eventually I will actually want a nice guy to shower me with attention and give me bouquets of Skittles and all night back massages. Eventually. But not right now.


Blogger Leesa said...

I am not into a**holes, but I understand the post. I was a #2, on and off, when in college, but that was a while ago.

8:06 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Thank you for getting us through our feral hog stage. It was ruining all my good suits.

8:25 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Chica, I'm working on that riddle for you. Hang in there.

11:45 AM  
Blogger Neal said...

Oddly, this is not the first posting on this subject that I've read this week. You are confirming a theory that a buddy and I postulated a few years ago in a bar: hot chics always go for schmucks.

3:40 AM  
Blogger Karin said...

Wow, Crystal. This was an intensely insightful post. You've described very well the motivations behind many women's bad decisions. It's interesting when you put it that way -- it makes me realize how many problems we iron out during our 20s (male and female).

10:53 PM  

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