Thursday, June 29, 2006

It’s All Part of My Game, Yo

Tips on Dating

I have dated 8 men since my break up in February. Holy Smokes! I keep count. I have to so I don’t go overboard. Dating includes: Any guy I have kissed. This does not necessarily include dishwashing, ok? I am not that big of a whore. I have gone out with some guys that I haven’t kissed and these are not included in my FAT 8.

Here are some tips I’ve learned from my FAT 8.

1. The woman should always pay for the first meal if she digs the guy. Always. There are three reasons for this:
Number A: It makes the guy happy because, let’s face it, all men are cheap.
Number B: The woman doesn’t feel like she has to put out because he splurged on her 7 Layer Burrito.
Number C: It’s all about manipulation ladies. “When on a date, man-ip-u-late!” That’s my cheer that I do in my head. Buy purchasing the first meal, the fella thinks She’s different. She doesn’t want me for my money. Haha. What an idiot. Then you can take advantage of him, and suck him dry (monetarily, of course), and make him buy you a Vette and some fake boobs. See what a wise investment that first meal is?

2. Men don’t like women who like them. This is why guys always go for the bitches. So you have to be a little mean sometimes. For example, after he kisses you, exclaim:

Jesus Christ, I am so glad you finally kissed me. I was getting so sick of listening to your blahblahblah-shit-that-i-don’t-care-about-blahblahblah.

It sounds mean, but dudes effing love it.

3. When he pulls back to tell you that you are an awesome kisser, tell him “Daddy says I’m the best”. Extra points if he gets the movie reference.

4. Grab his thingy and say, “I think your cell phone is going off”

5. If he gets too emotional (as men often do), stop him before it gets too late. I guess guys are used to hanging out with other guys and you KNOW all they discuss is sports and stink bait vs. live worms, so when they get around a lady, they think it is acceptable to drone on and on about random emotion-filled crap. Tell him “Sack Up, Pussy” and then ask him sweetly for another beer. He will appreciate it. He will appreciate you.

If you have any other tips on dating, please feel free to post them in my comments section located below. Have a nice day, bitches!
Note: I hate it when people describe letters with the word "number". Number A. I wrote it just to irritate myself because I am a self-loathing broad. I did it on purpose. I don't need your whiney emails explaining how numbers are not letters, ok? Ok. So shut up.


Blogger Logophile said...

I like the first date payment plan, it's clever.

My pet peeve is when people switch half way through,
A. he was not that nice
2. he was not good looking


10:56 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Oh, so this is how you roll? I'm sorry, but if a man doesn't have the balls to stop the girl from paying on the first date,he should just cut them off. I don't care if I'm trying to woo the richest lady on earth, I'm paying.

Retaining my right as a man is essential. I'm totally down with the cell phone thingy, though.

Fat 8, may you rest in peices.

11:26 AM  
Anonymous vera said...

crystal, you made me pee a little.

so yah, dating tips... gawd, its been forever, yo...

ok, so sex on the first date it out, right? damn, i knew i got that wrong on some occasions, but... what can i say? it was dark and i got all confused and there was candy involved... im a sucker for fundip!...

here's a good rule:

watch the shoes. you can tell a lot about a person by the types of shoes they wear...
boots: definitely kick-ass, hardcore, unf-ability...
tattered shoes: do NOT dig into this guy's couch for fear of finding last year's thanksgiving turkey leg wrapped in cellophane by his mommy...
fashionable pointy girly-man shoes: definitely metro; possibly owns more hair products than you; definitely takes longer to get ready than you; unless you want to fight for the mirror, avoid the duck-shoes (and im not referring to pretty in pink)
workboots: probably late for your date b/c he worked too long and didn't have time to go home and change. prolly will love his job more than you
socks & sandals: probably has a subscription to Geritol weekly @ age 33; most likely has ingrown toenails and poor foot hygeine...
shoes sans socks: probably too lazy to do laundry or he didn't have time to pick it up @ his mum's house; or he has every episode of miami vice on vhs...

my estimation, the only unf-able boys are the ones in boots... and if he unfs with only his boots on, you have a keeper! ;)

1:57 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

If you applied all of these rules (except maybe #4) on a first day, I think you'll send the guy home crying. Crying for more that is.

Vera, sometimes I wear boots and nothing else but a smile :) It's a pretty popular combo where I'm at.

7:04 PM  
Blogger Lady Jane said...

You funny girl you....

Never ever call the guy!!!

7:20 PM  
Blogger Chief Scientist said...

Does it matter what color Kenworth hat he wears on a date with you? 'cause any guy who lets a girl pay for dinner doesn't comb know how to comb his hair.

8:14 PM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

Did you ever bop your bologna?

8:51 PM  
Blogger Curly said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:59 AM  
Blogger Curly said...

Can I disgree with no.2? Men don’t like women who like them....

In my opinion, women go for men that they like the most. Whilst men go for woment that like them the most.

I saw it in a book.

3:59 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Great observations, I am going to see how the woman acts on my next date and see if there using any plays from your book.


6:43 AM  
Blogger goldennib said...

Not a dating tip, but a marrying tip: If a man makes you trip and stumble without touching you, marry him.

8:50 AM  
Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

"Daddy says I'm the best?" You kill me!

I have it on authority that the cell phone trick does wonders.

And, I have to agree with The Grunt on the first date payment.

11:28 AM  

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