Wednesday, June 14, 2006

You a big L and I ain't talkin' bout Cool J

When I was in college, I had a job with Texas Campaign for the Environment, a grassroots campaigning organization that raised money to educate the public and send lobbyists to DC to bitch about how grandfathered power plants should get their shit together and start burning cleaner fuel and hook up their facilities with smoke-stack scrubbers. This job entailed dropping my wannabe-hippie ass off in some unfamiliar neighborhood in Austin all alone from 4pm – 9pm to knock on every door, get chased/humped by every dog, get propositioned by various weirdos, and offered drugs every 3rd house. I eventually stopped because I started developing COMMON FREAKING SENSE. Who does that when they are a 19 year old cute girl? Not. Safe.

However, I did cultivate a certain respect for the people who go door to door, whether it be selling magazines or begging for money for some cause that they think is worthy enough to risk their life for. I don’t always buy or donate, but I will always offer refreshments because, well, because that’s the way I roll yo. There is nothing better than a big glass of KoolAid and a smile after walking around for four hours in some burgeois neighborhood where all the republicans slam the door in your face.

So last night, Nikki and I are hanging outside my house when we see a Green Mountain Energy girl walking through the neighborhood. I already have Green Mountain (thank God because I really didn’t want to listen to her bullshit), but I did offer her a Diet Coke.

“Got any beer?”

Sure. I have beer. So I brought her upstairs. Yes, I let her inside my home. I gave her a beer and some salt that she poured all over my counter. Then she sat down and talked for about 15 minutes without taking a breath. Seriously. I did not see the girl breathe. Maybe she has gills hidden in her hair or something. Then her eyes started rolling around in her head.

“Yeah. Wow. That Xanex is finally kicking in. Whoo.”

Great. I should have known. Green Mountain Energy girl is going to OD in my freaking apartment and her foam will probably get on my rug and that will really tick me off. She talked about places she danced around town. Don’t know if she did the, ya know, dancing or if she just…well, what other kind of dancing do you do “around town”? Then she got out her clipboard and started making up people she talked to.

“So where do you work?”

I tell her.

“Ooooo. Do yall have any jobs?”

You have got to be kidding me. Beer/Xanex/Falsifying documents/Dancing. Sure, thing. I’ll get right on that referral.

Even Nikki, who is weird herself, said, “Crystal, you are not allowed to let strangers in your apartment ever again, do you hear me?”


Blogger Neal said...

Just think, somebody probably has a story about the time they let you in their place and you wouldn't stop talking, drank all of the beer, spilt shit everywhere, left a mess in the bathroom, stole a vase, etc....
You're so grown up now.

7:37 PM  
Anonymous Cash said...

I worked for PA PIRG right after college graduation and right before shipping off to play Army officer. Being a military guy in a left wing environmental group was a lot of fun, actually. And I also always give money or a glass of water to those people.

8:37 PM  
Blogger Curly said...

At least it was entertaining right?

And what is Xanex?

2:24 AM  
Blogger goldennib said...

Being nice to strangers just ain't what it used to be.

3:06 AM  
Blogger Logophile said...

Cue the music...
"Imma freak magnet"

I know exactly how these things go. If I pick up a hitchhiker (not that I do it much) it is always some total freak, not a normalish person who just ran out of gas or something. Anyone who decides to sit next to me on public transport is WITHOUT FAIL the freakiest freaky freak to ever walk.
The solution is to outweird them, ask them if they want to join amway or ask Jesus in their heart.

8:13 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Well, you know my story Crystal, and I paid to do it. So, yes, I was brainwashed. I can totally relate to the koolaide, but it was usually really warm/bad soda. If I knock on your door, I want a coke, okay. Maybe a beer, depends.

12:17 PM  
Blogger keda said...

yeah i'm a shit magnet, so i cant let people in. sadly coz i'm always a little curious and very sympathetic. but people seem to take one look at me a develop psychotic tendancies. i've stopped wondering why.

now i just use my children as an excuse not to risk allowing anyone in.

which is a shame coz i like meeting people. and it was still sorta fun no?

6:53 AM  
Blogger Ashley said...

well, at least you didn't let some strange man in. That could have been all kinds of bad.

8:56 AM  
Blogger amischwab said...

i am waiting for the day when a PIRGer comes to my door so I can give them $100 (or whatever their quota is for the night), cook them a three course me, and provide them with lots of cold beer. hey, it is the spirit of what you did that counts, even though it could have endangered your life, or more importantly, your carpet.

9:21 AM  
Blogger --TBAS said...

Green Mountain Energy girl? As in door to door sales?

I looked up the company...lotsa people seemed pissed at them. Is the door knocking some PR campaign?

4:35 PM  

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