Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Date with Nate

I had a strange feeling about this one, so I asked my friend, Steph, to join us. Nate said he was bringing his friend Brian and he would meet us at El Pueblito at 8:30.

First indication that this was going to be a great* date:

Nate: Whut? El Publeeko? Sorry. I don’t speak Spanish good.

Yeah. You obviously don’t speak English good either. Jackass.

Steph and I pull up at around 8:30 and spot two guys sitting in the cabana drinking margaritas. SCORE! Hotties. So we stroll on over and I lean on an empty chair.

Me: Hey. Are you my bitch?
He: Yes, of course.

So Steph and I have a seat and start up a wonderful conversation with these guys. I introduced Stephanie and my bitch says, “I’m Andy and this is David”

Eh poo. We have the wrong guys. And they are gay guys. Hot gay guys. We hit it off immediately and they will be attending our sushi party Thursday night.

Second indication that this was going to be a wonderful** time:

Nate called and said he was lost. He is from Baytown. Need I say more? For those of you that are not from Texas, Baytown is the mecca of Kevin Federlines and Tanya Hardings, the place where hubcaps are used as weapons and methamphetamines are sold in every Walgreens. Are we on the same page now?

Nate and Brian finally pull up in a black Ford F-150 truck about 45 minutes late.

Third sign that this was going to be a fantastic*** meeting of the minds.

As they are approaching, Andy said, “So who gets the retarded one?”

Yeah. That would be me.

We said our goodbyes to our new friends and sat down with Nate and Brian. Within the first 20 minutes, these guys took 2 shots each of Patron, told us they only come to Houston for “bitches and hoes” and strip clubs, and insulted our gays. Nate remarked how sometimes if his turd is too big, it hurts his anus when he BMs. (Note: I cleaned that one up for you. You’re welcome.) We found out that Brian’s nickname is Dirty. They took more shots of Patron and ADMITTED TO PLAYING D&D. Listen up, boys, if you play D&D, keep it to yourself. No woman wants to hear about your fourth level wizard’s assistant title.

Andy, my new friend, called me several times throughout the date referring to the men we were with as women. He had some very important questions for me like, “Does she have a dental plan? You know they don’t have any dentists past I-45, girl.” He also encouraged us to ditch the losers and go party with them. That would have been lovely, but we were stuck.

They paid for dinner. I deserved that effing burrito. We gave them some bullshit about having to get up early, then Steph & I got the heck out of there.

As soon as I got home, I deleted my profile from Match. I meet enough weirdos as it is, I don't need the Internet to help me do that.

*By “great”, I mean “miserable suckfest”
** By “wonderful”, I mean “I’d rather disembowel myself with a melon baller”
***By “fantastic meeting of the minds”, I mean “I’m going to need a restraining order, STAT”


Blogger The Grunt said...

Would you believe that I'm still here? Don't even ask. It seems you are not the only one suffering from a case of bad luck. Hope the #3 with the non-Baytown dude goes well.

I promise that I'm on vacation, really. Guess who's family can't get their shit together? I'm going to have to catch a huge fish in order to make up for this morning.

9:11 AM  
Anonymous vera said...

awwww, i play D&D...
then again, im a self-admitted geek and i have no issue with being thought of as such... :D
but yah, they sounded like a bunch of wads... its a good thing you had to "get up early"...

10:16 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

vera, somehow a woman playing D&D doesn't seem as dorky to me as 2 men talking aboutit over shots of patron and talks of feces.

10:55 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

ugh! I hope you did not waste a weekend night on them.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

I am sorry you got stuck with the Nerd of the Rings; that was horrific. No more internet dating for you (or for me, for that matter).

11:06 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

That sounds like absolute crap. Glad that you got dinner, you should have ordered up something really expensive to make up for putting up with them.


7:11 AM  
Blogger Curly said...

That's pretty shitty. At least you came out with two new friends from the night though, and a burrito.

There was something on the news over here about a woman who it sueing her Dating Agency after eight dates with "completely unsuitable" people.

8:25 AM  
Blogger Blur said...

Be glad you brought a wingman, er woman.

3:40 PM  
Blogger Charlotte said...

At least you weren't alone! Can you imagine how much worse it would have been if you were alone? But I did enjoy the story. Lots. :)

6:37 PM  

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