Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Dating Tips for Men (#5)

Tip #5 – Musical Instruments

I have dated many musicians. In fact, I have only had 2 boyfriends that didn’t play some type of musical instrument. I will touch on the most significant boyfriend-musicians:

16 years old: I was wooed by a 17 y/o boy named Romeo. Yes, that was his real name. The minute I heard his voice, I decided I was going to freak him nasty. (I didn’t, of course. I didn’t become a slut until later in life) We kissed a little bit and I got to feel his crooked penis through his jeans. He also used to pleasure himself while we were on the phone (Tip #5.5 – DON’T pleasure yourself while on the phone with a 16 year old girl) Strange relationship. He wrote me a song called “Angel”. I am fairly certain that he wrote this same song for every girl he met.

19 years old: My first long-timer was an excellent musician. He played guitar, but liked to tool around with other instruments. He wrote me a song. I cried. I have no musical ability, but I wrote him a song. He cried. We wound up breaking up a few months later. Maybe it was my voice.

24 years old:
Kyo. My heart still stops sometimes when I think about him. He was also a badass on guitar and wrote me a couple of songs that melted my butter. Some were sweet. One was entitled, I Hope You Had A Nice Time At The Mall. It went, I hope you had a nice time at the mall today with your mom, I hope you had a wonderful shopping experience. God, it was funny.

27 years old: Matt – not my boyfriend, but a wonderful friend who sent me a cd a couple of weeks ago. Yeah. I’d hit that.

I am getting to the Tip here in a second. Hold your horses.

The thing is, if you are going to play cover songs (with the exception of DCFC's Follow You into the Dark), you will not get ass. This only applies to women over the age of 21….younger than that and they will probably fall for it.

Tip #5 Musical Instruments: The only time you are allowed to pick up your instrument and start playing is if YOU ARE ASKED BY YOUR LADY. Don’t pick up your guitar and start playing random intros of songs you don’t know and looking at her and trying to be all sensitive-musician-boy. Most women can see straight through that. We know the only reason you are doing that is so that we will throw our vagina at you. Not going to happen. What if the tables were reversed and some hot chic busted out her oboe on the first date and procedded to lick off only the very beginnings of every marching band song ever invented. Would you still want to hit that? Didn't think so.

For crying out loud, don’t call me on the phone and ignore my questions because you are too busy playing the same riff over and over AND OVER AND OVER. I don’t want to hear that shit. I hate talking on the phone as it is.

I spoke with Ba about this and offered the following:

In college, one of my suitemates (who also happened to
be in my band) would often just come into my room, pick up one of my
guitars, and start playing, with a half "look at this riff I came up
with," half "do you think there will ever be born a boy who can swim
faster than a shark" look on his face. As you can probably guess,
playing guitar for someone is often more about the player than it is
the listener.

How true. The Brazilian guy played “Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd and if I weren’t too lazy to put my clothes back on, I would have wrapped my vagina in saran-wrap and taken it To-Go.

P.S. Air guitar/drums is not acceptable once you reach puberty.


Blogger NiolK said...

What the fuck kinda guys have you been goin out with? I've been playing various instruments since I was 14 and I would never dream, even as a peurile 14 year old, of playing A.) While someone is talking B.) While I'm on the phone C.) While in the presence of anyone without prior consent/agreement. How fucking rude.

Oh and number one rule for anybody who knows or is seeing a serious musician in any way, never, fucking ever touch the istruments without permission at best you'll piss him or her off. At worst you'll be on the smelly end of an arse kickin. This can also apply to a hairy mans ShaveEverywher.

2:35 PM  
Blogger ekki said...

Niolk, maybe it is different where you live, but here in the US boys (especially ones when you are in high school) will always pick up their instrument (usually a guitar) and play in front of you. It is very annoying. I agree with Crystal 100%. I hate listening to people practice their music, unless they are really good and then I probably wouldn't ever hear them practice because they would be famous and very unlikely a friend of mine. Don't get me wrong. I have some talented musical friends, but I still don't want to hear them practice. Ever.

8:07 PM  
Blogger Kieran said...

Crap. My whole world has been turned upside down. I have to admit that I've done it quite a lot - played a girl a song without necessarily getting the written permission of her parents or doctor. The thing is, I didn't realise that playing music to them was an indication that I wanted them to throw their vaginas at me. It's an unsettling thought. From now on I will only play to people without vaginas.

My girlfriend touched my multitrack once without asking. God rest her soul.

6:37 AM  
Blogger Barry said...

cnnThe unwritten rule is true - don't touch a musician's instrument w/o permission.

Jammingout after some event is one thing - playing for an audience of one is nearly impossible...

7:01 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I'm selfish. Only the worthy. Yep.

11:59 PM  

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