Friday, July 14, 2006

Dating Tips for Men (#6)

I am enormously put out that I even have to teach you this…that there are men out there who don’t know that the following behavior is unacceptable and will surely block them from any chances of bumpin nasties with any girl who witnesses their conduct. The buttons will stay buttoned. The zippers will stay zipped. The laces will stay laced. The “Yes, We’re Open” sign will be flipped to read, “Out of Business. Go the hell away.” You will never be able to open the condom you have been saving in your wallet since 7th grade. You will never be able to motorboat a woman and not have to pay for it first. Am I getting my point across here? Can you see me sitting at my computer with a grimace on my face, conveying a tip that your mother should have told you about when you were a wee lad? Can you see me sigh in frustration?

Level 1: Beginning stages of a relationship
No burping. Seriously fellas. Look, I enjoy a guy who can beat me in a belching competition any day (and I am pretty effing good at it), but once he gets out even the first three states in alphabetical order, he has lost all chances of watching my lovely self freak him nasty. It’s gross and I really don’t want to smell the rotting fajita stench that fogs the air around my face and body.

Level 2: Established relationship
No hot-boxing. I don’t need to go into detail on this. It’s ground for divorce.


Blogger Sex and the Sushi said...

These are HAHAHilarious! But, unfortunately, your words of wisdom will not be heed. I know because I’ve already tried ( and failed to inform the unwashed masses!

Ms. GD

5:38 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

Hot boxing.... hahaha... i have always heard of it being called a Dutch Oven... classic.


7:50 PM  
Blogger Barry said...

Soooo Funny!! Like I said in an earlier comment - at least you don't ask a gu to PULL your finger!

8:30 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Hot boxing is only good for ending relationships, or asserting dominance within a given primal love making arrangement.

10:05 PM  
Blogger Logophile said...

I just threw up in my throat a little

11:01 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

One of my closest friends has disgusting flatulence. She loves to trap you in her car and spread the love, as she likes to call it. She is now happily married to a guy who is crazy enough to put up with all of it.

He's either head over heels in-love with her or has lost all sense of smell when he was sent to Kuwait.

9:51 AM  
Blogger Celeste said...

LOL! Thank GOD no one has ever Dutch Ovened me. barf.

2:14 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

I thought girls liked dutch ovens. Maybe that's where I've gone wrong. It could be that I steal their underwear and throw them in the trees around the house. Could it be the slave trade I run from my basement? Or the...

4:31 PM  
Blogger NiolK said...

Sorry I'm not clear what won't happen if we ignore you're advice?

Neal chicks totally dig the Dutch Oven when you do it in the arctic but otherwise only some chicks are into it.

9:03 AM  
Blogger averagedrinker said...

yeah, no nastiness's considered a date so please be as proper as you should be. it's noot the too-good gestures that i seem to look for when i date my webdate matches. but it's something that helps the connection blossom.

3:29 AM  

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