Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Is She Into You?

It’s hard to tell. Women are so complex that it is hard for men to think on that level. I am not saying men are stupid. They just function at a much simpler level than women. For example:

A woman thinks: He said he was going to call at 6 and it is now 6:15. WTF. He must not like me. What did I do? Is it my arm fat? I really need to go to the gym. God, he is SO shallow. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. Then again, would I date someone with arm fat like this? No. Maybe I shouldn’t have let him get to third base on the 1st date. He probably thinks I am a slut. What an ass. I am not a slut! He is probably with some other girl right this very minute, buying her roses and whispering sweet nothings in her ear and holding her purse while she shops. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN he is a player. I bet everything he said to me on our last date was purely to get in my pants. If he calls, I am not answering. Prick.

A man thinks: She’s cool. I like her boobs. I’ll call her after I finish smokin’ this guy in Halo. Pow Pow. I wonder if she’ll go for a threesome with her hot friend, Judy. Judy is smokin’. I like Judy’s boobs too. Judy has a nice car. I want a nice car. A Ferrari Spider. Oh yeah. I bet I could get a lot of women with that car. See a lot of boobs. Are we out of beer?

Am I right? Probably not. I have no idea how you guys think. I just know that if I was a guy and could get away with it, I’d think like that too. However, my genetic make-up doesn’t allow for that type of carefree attitude, so I am left jumping to conclusions and creating false realities about my massive arm fat and level of slutdom.

I think it’s pretty easy to tell if a guy likes me or not. You guys have it harder though. Most women aren’t going to let you know if they like you or not right off the bat. You have to look for hints and, let’s face it fellas, you are terrible at taking hints.

I thought everyone knew this one, but apparently not. It’s a pretty easy way to tell if the chick digs you on your first date.

The Pat
If a woman pats you on the back during the hug, it is a very bad sign. Most people don’t even realize they are performing The Pat.

If she digs you, her subconscious will want as much of her body in contact with as much as your body for the longest period of time possible. Obviously pats detract from this.

If you receive the pat, PAT HER BACK. Don’t go for an embrace when it’s really just a friendly hug. You are going to annoy her and possibly creep her the hell out and then you will have No Chance of hitting that in the future.

P.S. I forgot to say that if the Pat is on your behind, then Good Sign. She wants you. Go for it.

P.S. #2 - I neglected to state that lack of patting does not indicate that she is going to let you bump her dirty. After posting this, I started to pay attention to the way I hug and everyone knows that I get around when it comes to hugging. I have hugged like 15 people this week. Go ahead. Say it. Don't be shy. I am mad pimpin, son. My point is, I will only pat if I am trying to send a message to the hugee that he needs to leave me the hell alone. It's more polite than a knee to the balls. I have several guy friends that I gladly mash my body against because I get to cop cheap feels that way. Cheap feels are always good.


Blogger Clearlykels said...

hilarious. I love it. It is so true. The pat = end this hug now.

8:19 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Oh man... that is a brilliant post. that is exactly how us men think...

The pat is no good eh? Good to know.


8:26 AM  
Blogger Kieran said...

Nail on the head.

Actually I have a problem hugging women - I'm always worried my hug style is inappropiate and maybe mistaken as non-platonic. When meeting my girlfriend's friends I thus over compensate by patting backs and being very man-paly with them. This is all down to the time I first met one of her friends and brushed over her boob by accident. Why can't we just shakes hands? It scares the crap out of me now.

8:39 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Never have got the pat, seriously. I've given the pat, though.

9:27 AM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

ahhh, the pat. crystal you're genius. i've absolutely given the pat and it DID mean that he was getting no further.

12:21 PM  
Blogger Barry said...

So are you asking for - or giving pointers?

1:06 PM  
Blogger Blur said...

You are surprising close on the guys thought process. Of course there are b00b guys and a$$ guys. But the thoughts are pretty interchangable...

2:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Crystal....it's Ramon. I think your writings are hilarious! I just have a question...if a chick lets you pat her on the ass....does that mean she'll cough it up? And ummm when?

Also, did you get my email.

2:59 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

kieran - think of it as an opportunity to brush up against strange boob on occasion. screw the handshake.

barry - i'm doing whatever you think i am doing

blur - there are no thigh guys? damn.

ramon - yes i did get your email and i emailed you back. pats on the butt can mean lots of things for girls. my butt likes pat-action so i will pretty much let anyone pat away. however, some girls are different. if she put her butt there for you to pat, then yes, she is a total whore and should be giving it up within a week.

3:55 PM  
Blogger NiolK said...

I am so fuckin insulted, how dare you claim that thats what it's like from a guys perspective!! I wouldn't be caught dead playing Halo it's like four years old.

A hot chick I work with has hugged me several times for no apparent reason without any pats. D'you reckon she's diggin the Nealster? Just kidding she totally fuckin wants me.

4:02 PM  
Blogger ekki said...

Haha, I have never seen anyone write it before, but the pat is totally an indication that I want you to know you are getting no further. Don't men know that though? If they don't, then why do we think that is an obvious indication?

4:34 PM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

a) Men don't have a clue about the pat, so spread the word;

2) There's no question whatsoever that you're WAY into me.

8:51 PM  
Blogger Celeste said...

So funny! I never even really thought about it until this post...and um..yep, I'm definitely a "patter" when I want the hell outta there!

8:59 PM  
Blogger Kieran said...

You want me to screw the handshake?
Is this wise?

2:10 AM  
Blogger NiolK said...

The hand shake is for turkeys dude. You gots to roll like the modern man; I call it the Fondle-Hello. As you walk towards her raise eyebrows, open mouth slightly curling into a smile at the corners, as if you're delited to see her and BAM raise one hand up for a polite tit squeeze. That lets her know how you're kickin it.

3:02 AM  
Blogger Kylee said...

Then there is that woman who has not had any real contact with men because if swearing them off..and then decides well that was stupid and during a first date meeting shook hands and just about fainted on the spot becauses of the tingling sensation in every inch of her body...and during the entire date tried to think if a casual way to touch the man again...only to be so freaked out that they might just jump him on the spot if they did touch again avoided every possibility.....well I not saying that I really know for sure.....but its possible..

9:42 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Kylee - I feel you, girl. When I had my first kiss after I broke up with Brendan, I could barely keep myself from falling. Then I couldn't think about anything at work besides sex. Was bad.

3:01 PM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

Damn, such mixed messages. lol. So what you're saying is the pat is a sure fire sign she doesn't like you, but a non-pat is NOT a sign that she does? And you think being a guy is easy? hehe.

11:59 AM  

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