Thursday, July 27, 2006

My Koolaid is Cherry

Another post purely for me.

So, as I have mentioned on numerous occasions, I am learning to get over the break up I experienced a little over 5 months ago.

I thought of the girl he left me for. I’ve always referred to her as “Whore Bag”. I met her at his office Christmas party. They were great pals at work, but she wouldn’t come near us at the party. In retrospect the reason is terribly obvious. I trusted. She is pretty, has a master’s degree and a good job. Yesterday was the first time I felt sorry for her. She has no idea what she is signing up for and I am sure she doesn’t deserve it.

The guy is certainly not stable. When he got angry he would break things or hit himself to the point of bruising/knotting. Once, he hit himself in the head with a package of Kraft Singles and then threw them on the floor. The wrapper broke open and the little cheeses were strewn everywhere, all with a curled up edge in the shape of his head. He was depressed 95% of the time. Once, I left my cell phone at home for an hour, and when I returned, I had 65 missed calls. I walked on eggshells and there were periods of time where I was scared to breathe because I thought I’d send him into a rage. I was convinced I didn’t want to have kids, but now I know I just didn’t want to have kids with him. I am making him sound like a monster, but he wasn’t always like that.

There were good aspects about this guy, of course. Those are hard for me to identify at this point, mainly because I don’t want to view him in a positive light. He is a very loving son. He is a genuinely good person. He cooks. He has good taste in cologne and shoes. He has a pretty smile. But when I think about the way he loved me, I should have left a long time ago.

I figured it out.

Not a single couple in my family has gotten a divorce. Every woman in my family is incredibly strong and independent…except when it comes to men. They achieve whatever they put their hearts into, but when it comes to husbands, the women turn submissive and deal with it through passive-aggressiveness.

I probably never would have left Brendan because I was raised to not be a quitter. However, I was conditioned to not be a quitter at all costs. I cannot imagine what my life would have turned into if I would have gone through with that marriage. So, really, he saved me.

Once I realized this, everything fell into place and I have a whole new appreciation for relationships.

Thank you, Brendan. Thank you for letting me go.

8 Comments:

Blogger The Grunt said...

This is a great post, Crystal. You are amazing, have been through a lot, and are on the right track. YRTFH! I think you know what that means.

9:21 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

No, Grunt. YOU RTFH.

Thanks for being there for me. You are awesome.

9:25 AM  
Blogger markis said...

does this mean you're not a virgin?

10:48 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

This is an incredible post. I love how you look at this situation now. It is a very enlightened way to be. Not to be trite, but I am proud of you.

11:42 AM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

All posts should be for you.

This is an insightful post.

1:46 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

markis - why, i ain't ever kissed uh boy in my whole lafe!

kels - thanks! it's strange, but i am kinda proud of myself too in a weird way.

anthony - a lot of my posts are for me. however, i have lots of friends who keep up with my life through my blog, so lots of times it is for them :)

1:51 PM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

Smart chicks are hot.

6:19 PM  
Blogger Cassandra3383 said...

Breaking up is relly hard to deal with...but what better way to get over an ex than finding someone better right? You and me are in the same situation but I got over my ex when I met someone way better through webdate*com!

1:22 AM  

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