Wednesday, July 19, 2006

So Did I Mention...

that I am taking a break from all things phallic?

I know I have said that before, but I’m not going to date anyone for at least a good month so this blog is going to get very boring very quickly.

It’s going to be tough, but I have it all figured out, see.

If I get hungry for a man’s touch, there’s this Shampoo Boy*. I got my hair done on Sunday and, my God, that was the best 7 minutes I have had in a long time. Blow me down and call me shorty! Who knew a 21 year old kid could do that? It took everything I had in my guts not to moan aloud while he massaged my scalp. He was average looking when I sat down in the chair and when I rose, he looked like Brad effing Pitt. By the end of our 7 minutes, I was asking him to marry me and be my personal shampoo-suese even though he spilled toner on my face. I don’t even want to know his name. I want to call to him like this, “Ohhhh Shampoooo Boy, I am diiirrrtyyyyy” I don’t even want to THINK about what else he is good at. He is a baby for crying out loud!

If I get hungry for the way a man smells, I will strike up a conversation with some beefy guy at the gym and, when he is least expecting it, I will plant my nose directly into his chest and breathe until he knocks me off. I figure I’ll have a good 2-3 seconds. I will explain to him that I tripped on the carpet and then I realized that I liked his chest so much that I just decided to hang out there for a few. Something about man sweat really melts my butter.

If I get hungry for a man’s opinion, then

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah right. Like that’s gonna happen.

* I am going to throw a Dating Tip for Men in here. Learn to wash your lady’s hair, fellas. I know you’re thinking that if you already have her in the shower, you need not try anymore. However, this may just make her more apt to do that freaky thing that she wouldn’t do yesterday. Hell, I would have freaked Shampoo Boy 12 ways to Sunday and he is barely legal! Do it like you mean it, boys. Do it like you mean it.


Blogger NiolK said...

First off delicious low blow with that mans opinion jibe. Nice work, that was award worthy.

Second are sure about this hair washing tip? 'cause when I walk up to women and ask if they'll let me wash their hair they just give me weird looks.

12:18 PM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

a good shampoo can go a long way

12:50 PM  
Blogger Celeste said...


1:00 PM  
Blogger Logophile said...

Its so true,
rub me baby, rub me goood
I too have reached the heights of ecstasy at a salon shampoo sink.

1:17 PM  
Blogger ekki said...

my ex could wash my hair real good. that is the reason I stayed with him so long. take crystal's advice gents, learn to wash the hair.

10:18 PM  

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