Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Letter

Dear Men,

I Appreciate You. Seriously.

A situation recently occurred where I had to be the aggressor because I wasn’t sure if Boy liked me or not. Who wouldn’t? With this ass? (Just kidding - My therapist told me that I should not expect everyone to love me. Bleh.)

Being the aggressor is hard work! I don’t know how you men do it!

I have an analogy for my ignorance. I am all about analogies. I waited tables for 3 years. I think everyone who eats at a restaurant should have to wait tables for 1 day so they know how to treat servers (and learn how not to get their food spit/stepped/rubbed on). Well, I should have adopted this philosophy about dating. Before I was even allowed to be interested in a man, I should have been forced to ask one out.

I was talking to a good friend the other day and he said, “Do you know how hard it is for a man to ask a woman out?” and it clicked in me.

Yes. I know now.

Coming from a girl who bails at the first sign of trouble, asking a guy out is tough business. I have given up. I know that I am a gutless chicken-hearted pansy, but I am going to take the easy road here. If a guy likes me, he will come to me.

I am sorry all you fellas that I gave a hard time. I’m sorry that I called you my bitch. I’m sorry that I made you make the first move. I’m sorry that I pushed you away.

Sincerely,
Crystal

17 Comments:

Blogger The Grunt said...

I hope you get it sorted out, whoever it is with. It is hard and, well, now you know. I hope you get feeling better Crystal. There are a lot of people who care about you here. Sorry that most of us really can't be "there" for you, but at least we try. That should show you that there's hope.

8:27 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Yeah it is hard being a guy and having to be the agressor all the time... so much work. Spread the word to all the ladies out there!


Feel better too okay?
Scott

10:13 AM  
Blogger biffm said...

The first 500 "ask outs" are the toughest.

10:39 AM  
Blogger NiolK said...

Aaaawwwwwwwhhhh!!!!!

Thats that angelic quier noise you hear when a beam of light shines down from heaven. 'Cause it's shinin down on your sweet ass right now. Thank you, for being the only woman in existance to have ever acknowledged the burden of being the aggressor. Not to mention shaving your testicles, I mean c'mon have you seen how wrinkly they....anyway. Kudos & props.

10:42 AM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

Well, to be honest, it is a little easier for guys. Our penises think up most of the words -- we just say them.

"Really? You're into Renaissance art? That is so cool. I'd love to hear about it."

12:09 PM  
Blogger Logophile said...

That was a very thoughtful note, Crystal.
I'm sure your bitches feel better now because you acknowledged their feelings.

2:30 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

I love a challenge...I´m also an emotional wreck.

They should come to you, dammit, if they´re sincere about you.

6:19 PM  
Blogger Rrramone said...

You are forgiven. But I'm having trouble remembering our first date...

7:17 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

I always say no if a girl asks me out. That's just not how it's supposed to work. Any girl who is brave enough to ask me out could also probably beat me up.

7:52 PM  
Blogger Celeste said...

Interesting. This topic has come up in my life a lot lately. Most recently I went to a one man interactive theatre show all about dating. He says women need to be more bold. We need to give GOOD signals that we're interested. Its ok for them to make the first move, as long as they know its OK. I don't know. Men. They confuse me.

10:46 PM  
Blogger goldennib said...

I can't believe your therapist said you shouldn't expect everyone to love you. Why not?

3:47 AM  
Blogger jules said...

I've asked guys for years...oh wait, that was for sex and I kinda knew that they would say yes. What guy turns down an offer for sex?

4:37 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

Everyone should have to work in a restaurant. Very Important.

Good job Crystal. I am so impressed that you asked a guy out. I can't do it. Well, maybe one day, but not for now.

6:54 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

you people are hilarious.

jules - considering that's really what i want him for, maybe you can tell me how to ask him for it

kels - i didn't ask him out. i am a big fat chicken. it's probably for the best, though. let me borrow that Easy button, would ya?

7:04 AM  
Blogger keda said...

dammit stop being a gurl and ask the bugger out!
i know it's hard. i know its just not our bloody job. but i swear men are getting shit at this stuff. especially if you've got a fine arse. they get all weeemmmeee and scaredypants. i've done it a few times. though i shouldnt bloody have to frankly.
own yourself. know that he doesn't really deserve you and make sure you are totally casual about it all and that you have something you can be offhand about.
and if the moronic pansy arse does actually say no, know that he's just frightened of showing anyone his miniscule portion.
empowerment baby. thats how you guys do it innit?

9:52 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

hambone says i should call him up, tell him to grab a 6-pack of beer and come over. ham says he'll know what that means.

and if he rejects me, it won't be due to his portion.

if he rejects me, i will have to convince myself that he is gay.

11:24 AM  
Blogger keda said...

or scared you could whip his arse... like poor large neal.

3:05 AM  

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