Friday, August 11, 2006


I am very fortunate to still have grandparents. I am down to three paternal grandparents – my Grandma Ann, Grandpa George and my Great-Grandma Jane. Jane is 87 years old and grew up way out in the sticks in a house that her father built with his own two hands. She lived in that house from the time she was 7 years old until last year when the family convinced her to move closer to Grandma Ann. Reluctantly, she got an apartment and lives there with her first nice cat named Joy. Jane had 2 cats prior to Joy who were hateful bitches. Then again, if I was a cat and got baths and coated in baby powder twice a week, I’d probably want to scratch somebody too. Side Note: My grandmother bathed and powdered both mine and my brother’s asses until we were 10 years old.

When I was 5 years old, she took me on the porch swing and said, “Chrissy, don’t you ever let no man shit on you”

One Christmas, Grandma Ann (her daughter) drifted into the living room with a beautiful bun hair do to which Jane promptly exclaimed “Ann! Looks like somebody shit on your head!”

Another time, after my brother had gotten his girlfriend pregnant and was preparing to announce it to the family, she piped up out of nowhere, “Are yall teachin’ yer kids about prophylactics?”

The first time I brought my roommate home from college, she cornered her within the first 5 minutes and said, “You need to come visit me. I have a real high terlet that you can use. You don’t need to squat er nothin’. You just back up and fall right onto the terlet.”

I would post a picture of her, but in every picture we take together she has her hand on my boob – like it is a knot in a tree that she’s hanging onto while taking her senior pictures. It looks just a little odd.

So my mom called me today and told me that Jane had a heart attack on Tuesday. So I immediately called her at the hospital and my Grandma Ann answered the phone and then let me talk to Jane. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hi Grandma! How are you?
GG: I love you too baby! I love you too!
Me: How are you feeling?
GG: She's fine. Melody is going to keep her until I get out of the rest home. (She's referring to her cat)
Me: I hear your friends are going to be there!
GG: Oh, baby,I'm fine. They did an angioplasty and I feel fine.
Me: Well, good. I love yo-

Then she gives the phone back to my grandma Ann while I am still
So I start a conversation with Ann while Great Grandma is screaming in the background (I'm sure she had her finger in the air for this): I AIN'T GONNA GIVE UP MY APARTMENT! I AIN'T GONNA DO IT.

I love that woman.


Blogger jeff said...

ok seriously you need to post one of those boob grab shots. the thought of great granny coppin a feel totally cracks me up

3:16 PM  
Blogger biffm said...

Does anyone still call you Chrissy?

3:28 PM  
Blogger The Mop said...

Ahem.....The Mop....First time caller Long time listener......

Have I said that your posting is getting better.....

Not that my ranting verbal diarrhea is anything to gauge things by...

3:31 PM  
Blogger G to tha R to tha A-Y-E said...

your grandma sure likes to use the word shit, no?

3:45 PM  
Anonymous vera said...

i hope she feels better :)
and i hope you are just as cantakerous as she is when you're her age! ;) i am sure you will be!!! i just hope you're still blogging at that time...

verification word: phoon

5:23 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Great Grandparents, never knew any of mine, but I sure as hell got to know a couple of my grandparents. I'm glad that you are keeping close to them, Crystal. Both your grandmas great and grand sound perfect.

7:38 PM  
Blogger jules said...

Gotta love a woman who can use the word prophylactics.

8:02 PM  
Anonymous Christ in a Red Robe who RTFH said...

Guys, any of the rest of you make any boob comments I'll personally scrub your skeleton clean of any living matter. Her great grandma had a freaking heart attack.

11:46 PM  
Blogger neilissimo said...

"ann, looks like somebody shit on your head".

i love old grandmas like that. they are law to theselves

8:27 AM  
Blogger Celeste said...

Great stories! Grandmas are the best.

5:28 PM  
Blogger goldennib said...

Hope your GGM is feeling better. She sounds like a pistol.

5:52 PM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

Despite the reoccuring theme of poo, your Grandma sounds like a total sweetheart.

9:22 PM  
Blogger Logophile said...

Ok, I wanna be like your gramma when I grow up.
I am going to start a training program, should I begin with discussing shit, or boobie grabbing?
I hope she's back in her apartment soon.

7:51 AM  
Blogger Rrramone said...

That is one of the funniest posts I have ever read. You capture the dialect so perfectly. I lost my last grandparent last December. I wish I had had a closer relationship with any of them.

Don't I qualify for either the brain or the ass list? ;-)

10:39 PM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

grandparents and great-grandparents are the best!! When I was in Bali with my grandparents I overheard my Grandmother ask my Grandfather what kind of birthcontrol the Balinese use. My grandfather launched into a explanation as I stood there in shock.

8:43 AM  
Anonymous denise d said...


So Sorry to hear about your G'GMom, but Very Glad that she's still hittin the high notes and doesn't seem as though it's gonna keep her down for any duration. Y'all are in my prayers :-)

I can relate - My G'Mom, Lucille, was a Feisty Ole Broad too. We'd lay in bed and I'd read the Sun to her - if it was in print, she wanted to hear about it *LOL* I miss that. I'd take her out for Beer and BBQ twice a month, I miss that. When she went to live in the Senior Home, I would call her and talk with her often. One time, she told me that "one of the new nurses has a big ass, just like yours, and made me so homesick for you". Gotta love the honesty *LMAO* I miss that...

12:28 PM  
Anonymous sexylovepit's mom said...

OMG, Chrissy! I can't believe you forgot my favorite Grandma Janism: (after seeing one of your friends who was attempting to grow a goatee) "My God, that boy looks like he's got pubic hair growing out of his chin!"

Love, Mom

9:21 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I'm laughing at your mom's comments because of what one of my friends' dads said about my old goatee. He called it a "C@nt Tickler", then proceeded to call me "The Tickler".

9:48 PM  
Blogger Sudiegirl said...

there's nothin' quite like a feisty grandma, is there?

best of wishes to her...hope she recovers and doesn't miss a beat.

7:47 AM  
Blogger keda said...

my old gran used the word 'comedy facial hair' for anyone who didn't shave or have a proper beard.. they were just 'bearded hippies' or 'pretend hippies'.

she sound marvelous. i do hope she's ok sweetie. lovely stories.

1:08 PM  

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