OG's

I am very fortunate to still have grandparents. I am down to three paternal grandparents – my Grandma Ann, Grandpa George and my Great-Grandma Jane. Jane is 87 years old and grew up way out in the sticks in a house that her father built with his own two hands. She lived in that house from the time she was 7 years old until last year when the family convinced her to move closer to Grandma Ann. Reluctantly, she got an apartment and lives there with her first nice cat named Joy. Jane had 2 cats prior to Joy who were hateful bitches. Then again, if I was a cat and got baths and coated in baby powder twice a week, I’d probably want to scratch somebody too. Side Note: My grandmother bathed and powdered both mine and my brother’s asses until we were 10 years old.

When I was 5 years old, she took me on the porch swing and said, “Chrissy, don’t you ever let no man shit on you”

One Christmas, Grandma Ann (her daughter) drifted into the living room with a beautiful bun hair do to which Jane promptly exclaimed “Ann! Looks like somebody shit on your head!”

Another time, after my brother had gotten his girlfriend pregnant and was preparing to announce it to the family, she piped up out of nowhere, “Are yall teachin’ yer kids about prophylactics?”

The first time I brought my roommate home from college, she cornered her within the first 5 minutes and said, “You need to come visit me. I have a real high terlet that you can use. You don’t need to squat er nothin’. You just back up and fall right onto the terlet.”

I would post a picture of her, but in every picture we take together she has her hand on my boob – like it is a knot in a tree that she’s hanging onto while taking her senior pictures. It looks just a little odd.

So my mom called me today and told me that Jane had a heart attack on Tuesday. So I immediately called her at the hospital and my Grandma Ann answered the phone and then let me talk to Jane. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hi Grandma! How are you?
GG: I love you too baby! I love you too!
Me: How are you feeling?
GG: She's fine. Melody is going to keep her until I get out of the rest home. (She's referring to her cat)
Me: I hear your friends are going to be there!
GG: Oh, baby,I'm fine. They did an angioplasty and I feel fine.
Me: Well, good. I love yo-

Then she gives the phone back to my grandma Ann while I am still
talking.
So I start a conversation with Ann while Great Grandma is screaming in the background (I'm sure she had her finger in the air for this): I AIN'T GONNA GIVE UP MY APARTMENT! I AIN'T GONNA DO IT.


I love that woman.