Friday, September 08, 2006

6 Things

1. Most people don't think my black eyes and bloody stitches are as beautiful as I think my black eyes and bloody stitches are.

2. When someone asks you a question, there's a good chance that they really don't give a hoot what your answer is. For example, a guy in my office asked me how my new car was so I told him that "I had a flat tire and the spare was flat too and I had to wait forty five minutes for a GD tow truck in the ghetto so I had to buy all new tires which was really expensive and there is this light that comes on in the dash that I think means my airbag just may explode at any time and the dealer that I bought my car from is such a shady foolbag that I wouldn't be surprised if the car fell apart completely within 6 months." and then he promptly said, "Sorry I asked" and has avoided me ever since until I saw him in the elevator at lunch. It is kind of hard to avoid someone when they are standing within 2 feet of you. I always take situations like this as a golden opportunity to make someone uncomfortable so I started talking about my car again while he tapped his foot and shot eyeball-lasers at the elevator doors that read "PLEASE GOD MAKE HER STOP!" No, buddy. We have to go up 12 floors and make some stops along the way so sit back, relax and don't interrupt.

3. I am trying to be a lady. That's why i said "hoot" up there instead of "shit" and "GD" instead of "Goddamn" and "foolbag" instead of "worthless c-cksucker".

4. I only got half of my stitches out yesterday so now I have to spend the whole weekend with some still in my face. Bright side: I will be the belle of the ball at goth clubs and at the home for mentally retarded middle-aged men down the street from me. They won't care. They love me no matter what.

5. Gena and I might go to California at the end of October to see a GD rock show. We are so hardcore, it's not even funny.

6. I kept it quiet that I was getting surgery. I didn't want anyone to know, but now I am glad I only told a few close friends because now I am afforded the opportunity to screw with people who care about me. I used to work with Stephanie, so I sent an email with a picture of my black eyes to a few of my ex co-workers in her company. When they called, in shock, I told them Stephanie slammed my head against the balcony and when they asked why we were fighting, I told them "You should go ask THAT WHORE what she did". I wonder how many people are going to approach her today. Probably not many. I mean, did you see what she did to me??


Blogger Scott said...

I really hope that you are at least feeling better.


12:59 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Is that the Blue Man Group? Which one??? You should laugh and point at me when you fly over.

8:12 PM  
Blogger Güggs said...

I love how you made that dude feel uncomfortable. I think you should do that to him all the time'll be your schtick.

11:56 PM  

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