Monday, September 04, 2006

Can I Get a Sympathy Fuck?

I heard that today at a party. I would never say that. I am a goddamn lady.

By the way, I wore shades throughout the entire party (that took place inside a very dimly lit living room). The whole time I had people guessing if I was just that cool.

Anyway, no worries about my eyeballs. They are fine. My face is fine. I did it to myself - or rather, I paid someone an extraordinary amount of money to do it to me.

You see, I had some plastic surgery. I am a little embarrassed about it because, come on, it is plastic surgery! Am I that shallow?

Absolutely.

This is the deal. I was born without these thingamabobbers called orbital septums. My father was born without them as well. Thanks, Pop. Orbital septums hold the fat under your eyes inside your head so they don't bulge out and make you look 50 when you are really only 27. They weren't bad all the time. They'd only swell up if I cried. Or ate pickles or soy sauce. These bags were very unpredictable and I got tired of hearing comments that ranged from "Hey party girl! Looks like you had fun last night!" to "Holyshit, looks like you got kicked in the face by a bull!".

Now I really look like I got kicked in the face by some huge animal, but only for 5-7 more days. Then I will look normal like the rest of you.

So there. I did it.

So....can I get a sympathy fuck?

8 Comments:

Blogger The Grunt said...

Shit, all you had to do was ask.

1:14 AM  
Blogger jules said...

Okay, now I have a new pickup line. Thanks kiddo.

3:59 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

Only if the sunglasses you were wearing are really huge and made you look even more mysterious.

7:30 AM  
Blogger Blur said...

Yes

1:23 PM  
Anonymous denise d said...

And there you were Thursday whining that you'd not be able to do anything social for 7-10 days? I Knew That Wouldn't Last *LOL*

Glad you're feeeling better!

BTW - The Senile Man here wanted your home address so he could send you something. Don't ask me what I didn't even inquire, I just said NO.

2:19 PM  
Blogger biffm said...

i'll send you a plane ticket.

2:40 PM  
Anonymous slug said...

Okay, but I get to be on top... or bottom.

5:04 PM  
Blogger Hambone said...

Next time, give her my number please!

12:08 AM  

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