Friday, November 10, 2006

So How You Gonna Kick It?

3 Things:

1. I wrote a post the other day about my concern for a girl over in VA who is fighting cancer AND KICKING ITS ASS. She’d stopped posting on her blog so Beth tracked her down and she emailed me. So, for those of you who read her blog and were worried about her, she seems to be doing pretty well. Good news.

2. Let’s talk about poo. I am like a clock. I go at work. That’s just the way it works out. The only time I go at home is on the weekends. Ok, so last night I had a boy over. He peed in my toilet – the same toilet I cleaned 3 days ago. The same toilet I have not BMed in since I cleaned it 3 days ago. When I went in the bathroom after he left I was shocked to find doodoofeces all over the rim and the bottom of the seat. Yes. He left the seat up and it looked like somebody’d done lost their mind with a bottle of magic shell. I know it wasn’t him. But it wasn’t me! First of all, my ass is not that sneaky or talented enough to create sideways Jackson Pollack inspired shit. I don’t get it. The only thing I can come up with is that the cleaner I used three days ago turned brown for some reason. I can deal with that. However, knowing that the boy I had over saw that is pretty much mortifying. And how do you bring something like that up? “Hey man, sorry about all the shit on the rim of the toilet. I have no idea how it got there.”

3. I am going to San Marcos this weekend. I miss my girls.

UPDATE: I found a maintenance ticket on my counter. It was the fucking maintenance guy! Fucking cockblocker!! I know I haven't had explosive diarrhea in quite sometime. How am I supposed to explain that shit or should i just ignore it??

14 Comments:

Blogger blog Portland said...

Nice. Really nice. I'm not sure which was my favorite visual; the magic shell, or maybe the Jackson Pollack reference.

3:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad the girl is doing well.

Don't want to comment on the poo predicament.

Have fun.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Celeste said...

LMAO!!
Maybe you should send him a card?

3:30 PM  
Blogger jules said...

Only you, Crystal...only you!

8:33 PM  
Blogger Barry said...

Now that is funny!! I don't care who you are!

10:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i had just started dating this new guy... well maybe a month or so. it was our 1st all weekend visit (we lived about an hour apart) and on saturday he had to leave for a couple hours 'cause he was a track coach for high schoolers. of course i have to poo and it PLUGS the toilet!!! OH GOD! he lived right on a lake and i hear the plumbing was awful... but my point remains-- I PLUGGED HIS TOILET and he didn't have a plunger.

WHO DOESN'T OWN A PLUNGER?!

i knew he wasn't going to be back for about 45 minutes so i got in my car and headed to the wal-mart that i saw on my way to his house. bought a plunger, used it, and HID it in his house. i wonder if the next time he cleaned his storage closet he wondered where the plunger came from?????

oh boy.

4:48 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Shit happens, people. You just flush, clean it up afterward and move on. Some people shit different than others. The one's whose anuses are equipped with thrust vectoring, as seen on the latest jet fighters, amaze me to no end. I would consider myself some magical wizard if I could poo sideways, though. It is kind of like making two streams of pee. I haven't checked, but I swear my urethra is double-barreled, sometimes. I think this feat qualifies me as a magical wizard.

12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Me: You know, the maintanance man was here the other day.

New Guy: Uh Huh. (He's such a conversationalist.)

Me: He used my toilet.

NG: Uh huh (Told you.)

Me: I didn't know they were allowed to do that.

NG: Uh.

Me: And my toilet was spotless before he maintained.

NG: Huh.

Situation resolved; D

3:23 PM  
Blogger Kylee said...

hmmm thats tough...good luck with that one....maybe send an email

"it was the maintenance guy"

maybe no other explanation is needed

9:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes I think it's me. And not you.

12:06 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

goldennib & kylee- thanks for the suggestions. i did something similar. through email. will let you know how it goes.

celeste - i tried, but hallmark was all out of, "i'm sorry it looked like my ass exploded. please go out with me again" cards.

kim - right on, homegirl. i think we were separated at birth!

anthony - thank you for your kind words. you've made me feel SO much better. :P

grunt - i decided that you're right. everybody shits. even if that DID come out of me so what. i've done way more disgusting things than that with projectile vomiting so this should be no big deal, right?

thomas - it's US.

8:53 AM  
Anonymous denise d said...

Oh Geez! The fact that this guy - who you Don't Know and have No Idea what bugs he is carrying around - craps not only In, but ON your toilet is repulsive AND a health risk. You should have let the Management know what he's doing, and they should have send someone to Totally clean it for you! I'm serious - Major Health Risk. And Totally Gross.

9:13 AM  
Anonymous denise d said...

Oh Geez! The fact that this guy - who you Don't Know and have No Idea what bugs he is carrying around - craps not only In, but ON your toilet is repulsive AND a health risk. You should have let the Management know what he's doing, and they should have send someone to Totally clean it for you! I'm serious - Major Health Risk. And Totally Gross.

9:13 AM  
Blogger G-Raye said...

gonna kick it root down...

8:22 PM  

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