Monday, November 06, 2006

Sorry I’m Late, I Was Out Spoiling My Liver

I can’t tell if I am sick today or still hungover. I spent the weekend in San Antonio with Gena for her birthday. Gena is fabulous and has a fabulous fiancé named Anthony. She reminded me of the first time he was introduced to my friend, Nicole.

Ant: So what do you do?
Nikki: I am a phlebotomist.
Ant: Is that a fancy word for hooker?
Nikki: No! I, like, draw blood and stuff!

Gena has a blog dedicated to Ant-isms.

This weekend, I learned about Red Bull & Vodka.

I also got to drive Gena’s car – she has a new Mustang.

We got hit on by 23 year old men. Well, two 23 year old men and a 29 year old marine. Same thing. They were all from South Carolina and said stuff like, “You sure is pretty” and “I’m Baptist so God lets me drank”.

I learned a lot about Sherry, who started a story with “So I woke up in the back of this van,” and ended it with “and I pushed the homeless guy out and he landed on his bottle of wine and so there was blood everywhere”. Wow, I respect that. I have no good stories. Hilarious.

Sherry also wrestled a pool table from a girl with THE HUGEST BOOBIES I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE and that is something because my boobs are pretty hefty themselves. It was difficult not to stare.

I met a girl and we got in a match about who had the craziest ex-boyfriend. This is the extent of our conversation:
Me: I had one that used to punch himself in the face!
She: I had one that tried to kill my boyfriend, then tried to stab himself in the chest, but he couldn’t get through his breast plate, so he stabbed himself in the stomach.
Me: blink blink Um, can I get another Red Bull & Vodka over here?

I got to see Audrey for 5 whole hours!

I had lunch with David! I have known David for almost 11 years. We went to junior college together and he wound up being my ex-boyfriend, Casey’s, best friend. David rocks. He is one of those guys that would be a perfect boyfriend because he is all about communication. If I have ever agonized over a guy, he has told me, “Crystal. Don’t be stupid. If you are being intimate with a guy, you have every right to ask him whatever you want. If you are washing dishes, then that means y’all could have a baby or you could contract a disease, so you and your body have the right to do or ask whatever you want.” Nice thought. Thanks for bringing up the babies and the disease. I’m going to go back to being a tease.

10 Comments:

Blogger Clearlykels said...

Wow, now those are some stories. What a weekend! I have no good stories. Hmm, maybe I'll just start making some up.

9:16 AM  
Blogger Celeste said...

haha! great stories! that David fellow is a smart guy, you should definitely keep him around as a friend.

9:32 AM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

Homeless people and ginormous boobs. Who could ask for more?

10:44 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I'm still picking out green glass from my wounds...that ungrateful bitch!

11:44 AM  
Blogger Neal said...

We need pictures of the ginormous boobs. You can't talk about big boobies, they must be experienced via site (touch or taste help as well).
As I fast approach the open market, I'm concerned about the disease and baby thing too.

3:36 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

i was going to take a picture of the ginormous tiddies, but i couldn't peel my eyes away from them long enough to get out my camera. they were down to her bellybutton and just as wide as they were long. she did not appear to be wearing a bra as her nipples started screaming (unmuffled) everytime she bent over to shoot pool.

3:45 PM  
Blogger Curly said...

Vodka Red Bull, amazing stuff. Just when you're feeling too sober and too tired to carry on, out they come - the perfect combination - and you're right back in the game again.

Also, VRB is an amazing way to acquire stories...

4:48 PM  
Blogger ekki said...

This makes me glad that I don't drink anymore. Living those kinds of stories gets old after a while. ;)

5:10 PM  
Blogger Güggs said...

being a tease is good. to a point. but you must ask away...good advice dude.

love the title of this post.

9:34 PM  
Blogger goldennib said...

A healthy liver is highly over-rated. You can buy new ones at Wal-Mart now, cheap.

4:24 AM  

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