Friday, November 17, 2006

Take some extra panties, Polka Dot. It’s going to be a long weekend.

I am going camping this weekend. Wheeeeeee! The fella I’ve been seeing asked me to go with him on a wine-themed camping trip. They went through 40 bottles last year. I am going to try not to pee on my socks or throw up wine in the tent – both of which are totally possible.

I looked at the weather. It will be in the upper 30s to high 60s the entire time. Are you KIDDING ME?? That may not seem cold to you folks up north, but I am in Texas, baby. I love cold weather, but my nipples can only get so hard before they put on headlamps and start clawing their way out of my super heavy duty tiddy shaping 18-hour bra. I’ve only seen snow twice in my life. I’m used to wearing a bikini to Christmas dinner. Now, not only do I have to worry about Polio, but Hypothermia as well.

There will be fishing. Our family had a farm when I was growing up and I spent many summers catching fish there. I like finding my own worms. I don’t mind baiting my own hook. It’s actually catching a fish that throws a wrench in my whole day. I don’t want to catch a fish because that means I have to touch it. I don’t think fish are gross, but I am scared they are going to fin me. My brother had a great idea when we were younger. He stepped on the fish and jerked the hook out by the line. The hook landed in my arm and I screamed for probably about three days. That could have been MY EYEBALL! How the heck do you go about getting a fish off the hook without getting finned or hooked?

The wine may pose another problem for me. I just started enjoying wine recently. I didn’t like it for the longest time. I had to accept that, no matter how much I wanted it to, wine would never ever taste like strawberry Koolaid. It’s a completely different drink. Once I realized that, I can throw back the wine. After 2 glasses, I get a little randy. After half a box, I am a little clumsy. After the whole thing, I am laying in a puddle of my own vomit/urine/doodoofeces. The next day, I am worthless.

Regardless of how this weekend goes, I am sure it will give me something to write about…if I can remember it.


Blogger Scott said...

Have yourself a great trip!! Watch out for any wayward animals!


12:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you put a little Crystal Lite in the wine it will taste better than KoolAde.

1:36 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Thanks Scott! I didn't even think about animals!

Goldennib - I used to put Sweet-N-Low in my wine when I first started drinking it. I am a classy bitch.

2:05 PM  
Blogger Kylee said...

Yeah thats cold....have fun!!

7:37 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Use two leafs instead of one when finishing up your business. Where in the hell is it that cold in Texas, anyway?

8:39 PM  
Anonymous slug said...

"Waiter, two glasses of your finest wine for the lovely lady, please."

10:00 PM  
Anonymous moderator said...

You only get finned by catfish ... or bullheads. Whatever they call them in Texas. So don't catch those and you'll be fine.

12:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I tried to enjoy a port, once, remembering that it was a dessert wine. I attempted to savor the strong, filthy, rank flavor, that was at one point, grapes. I did that for an entire glass.

The next glass I wised up and downed it. Felt very randy.

9:29 AM  
Blogger Celeste said...

Oh my. Crystal, I wish you the best of luck. Take pictures!

7:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, those temperatures camping seem colder than when you aren't.

Have fun, don't fall in the campfire!

11:13 AM  
Blogger Sudiegirl said...

Oh man...most domestic wines give me a headache (the nitrites) unless they're organic.

But there's nothing in the world (to me) better than a white wine spritzer. Very refreshing...however, I do not go beyond one or two. My meds don't mix well with wine - if I go overboard, I'm Maryland's new state vegetable.

4:48 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

I hope you had a great time!

So, one time I was hanging out at a winery when they brought out the new stuff-- it had not been bottled yet. They were trying it. Well, someone said-- hey! looks like koolaide.

Now, just so everyone knows, that is not something you say to a winemaker about his prize winning wine. It was good but yeah, it did look like koolaide.

7:09 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I think if I drank a bottle of wine I'd become "Steve", Randy's more amorous brother. Night Train and Thunderbird are wines, right?

11:06 AM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

Here's hoping that you don't bring back any new friends, i.e tapeworms, ticks, body lice...

11:20 AM  
Anonymous Sherry said...

Waking up in feces is not always fun at the time but it makes for interesting conversation. So how did the weekend go. We need to know.

11:21 AM  

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