Who's we? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
1. I got my first ticket in 11 years last Wednesday. I’m due and I deserved it. 52 in a 40. But I didn’t even have the chance to charm my way out of it…and by charm, I mean cry, beg and offer favors. Also, the cop smelled like Curve, which – if you know me at all – you will know what that reminds me of and why I so vehemently hate it. I didn’t even get the decency of being pulled over properly. I was caught in a speed trap and got pointed at. It reminded me of a comedian I saw once:
Sir, do you know why I am pulling you over?
Because you weren’t smart enough to get into the FBI?
2. My friend Dave crashed on my couch Friday night. He came into my bedroom to tell me goodbye that morning. I got up on my knees to give him a hug.
He: Crystal, is that your vibrator?
Me: Looking on floor. Where? I have been looking for that thing!
He: Right underneath you.
Me: I swear I was not doing that with you on my couch.
He: Uh-huh.
Then he laughed at me and left.
3. Steph and I spent out Thanksgiving at Luby’s getting hit on by gassy construction workers.
4. At a bar:
Me: I hope you didn’t give her that slice of pizza, Josh. Then she will think that dry humping you will always get her fed.
Random Guy at bar: I don’t hear that nearly enough.
Sir, do you know why I am pulling you over?
Because you weren’t smart enough to get into the FBI?
2. My friend Dave crashed on my couch Friday night. He came into my bedroom to tell me goodbye that morning. I got up on my knees to give him a hug.
He: Crystal, is that your vibrator?
Me: Looking on floor. Where? I have been looking for that thing!
He: Right underneath you.
Me: I swear I was not doing that with you on my couch.
He: Uh-huh.
Then he laughed at me and left.
3. Steph and I spent out Thanksgiving at Luby’s getting hit on by gassy construction workers.
4. At a bar:
Me: I hope you didn’t give her that slice of pizza, Josh. Then she will think that dry humping you will always get her fed.
Random Guy at bar: I don’t hear that nearly enough.
posted by Crystal at 9:07 AM
3 Comments:
Sounds like you need a bigger vibrator if you can't even tell when you're sitting on it....
Sucks on the ticket, Crystal. Was he one of the cadets you pestered back in the day? That might explain a lot.
Buzz!
i'm totally going to be late for a thing, but it was worth it to read this.
Post a Comment
<< Home