Thursday, December 21, 2006

For the Ladies...

I don’t just bash men around here, ok? Know what pisses me off? Squatters – and I am not talking about the [more tolerable] patchouli wearing, meth smoking, no teeth having, dumpster diving, bane of society that stay at the abandoned house across the street. I am talking about women who hover over toilets. I can spot you from a mile away. Sometimes, when I am entering a public bathroom, I will see you exiting a stall and I will smile sweetly and say hello while simultaneously fantasizing about ripping the tampon machine off the wall and smashing it into your head and wishing I had a penis so I can avoid the travesty of a toilet seat I am about to encounter. And you! You have no shame at all! Even though you just pissed all over the seat and left it there! You smile back and say hello. Maybe you think I will think that the person before you did it. No, I know it was you. I know your kind. I can sense it. I actually have friends who do this. They argue that public toilet seats are disgusting and they would rather stick a needle in their eye than have a germ-infested toilet seat attack their pristine asses. Did you know that the toilet seat is one of the cleanest (clean enough to eat off of even!) places in a ladies bathroom? Think about it. You take a shower, you put on clothes. Your ass does not come in contact with any outside surfaces all day. Meanwhile, your hands are touching every door handle, phone, ATM, etc.

Office toilet seats had 49 germs per square inch. But desktops had almost 21,000 germs per square inch. Phones were worse -- more than 25,000 germs per square inch.

I guess if a woman wants to hover, that’s her own business, but FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, have the decency to wipe your pee off of the GD seat! You think I want to sit down in that?! My body can sense when we are in the presence of a bathroom, so by the time I get into the stall, I am so eager to get my thong out of my ass that I don’t want to have to bother with cleaning up YOUR MESS. Have some consideration for each other. You get me ladies?


Blogger heatherfeather said...

amen, and a hallelujah for good measure.

8:11 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Hoverers are in league with Satan. It's like they are tagging the bathroom stall with their own sick version of graffiti. I see the "Bloods" and the "Shits" are having turf wars a lot lately. The cops really should crack down on this.

8:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gosh darn it I have to retype it...

YES YES YES...PLEASE clean it up. They even hover if they have those paper covers available to them.

8:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good to know because I have been feeling kind of sensitive lately and could do without the bashing, C-Lite.

9:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate the men who go into a stall to pee, thus spraying all over the toilet seat, rather than using the urinal.

These guys always go into the stall and lock the door, too. The hell? They appear to have some sort of mental hang up about peeing in public. If a bloke is so homophobic or self-important that he is afraid to get it out to pee at a urinal he shouldn't be allowed to leave the house.

I'll bet Michael Jackson won't pee at a urinal.

9:53 AM  
Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I'm with you on this.

Death to hoverers!

10:12 AM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

wow. never knew you wimmins had to go thru that much hell. there seems to be a misconception out there.

most guys think you wimmins eat strawberries in there, gossip over lavendar scented bath towels and have flighty lil' cherubs there to wipe yer dainty butts and wish you a happy day.

guess not eh?

hmm, guess i'll be more thankful the next time i see the results of a guy who jes' failed to lift up the seat.

for the record, i cannot pee in a public urinal. (not that there's another kind) to respond to Chris's comment, it's got nothin' to do with homophobia or any of that crap, i jes' can't stand the atomized clouds of piss that linger around there.. there's NOT a decent urinal created since the dawn of time that doesn't send a bathing spray of piss right into a guys pants and ... *shudder* nostrils. makes me wanna puke...

ho hum


10:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i couldn't agree more, crystal! i am a sitter on the shit*er

12:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Men pee all over the seats too... i don't get it. Just lift the seat already and pee properly.

Great post.

12:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't pee in public urinals either.

I can if I'm alone.. but if someone is there... it's like.. pee stoppage. Even if I'm about to explode.

It has nothing to do with being homophobic.


4:15 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

so. not your normal holiday post. but totally understandable. interesting but horrific view into what happens in the ladies room.

5:23 PM  
Blogger ekki said...

The worst thing is when you didn't notice and you actually sit in someone else's pee. Gross.

I will admit though, that if I am in a bar, I hover because, come on, have you seen the bars I have been in? No one is sitting in there.

5:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hover when there's blood and/or poo on the seat. That's excusable, I think.


9:10 PM  
Blogger Celeste said...

You go girl! I find this extremely irritating as well. I'm glad someone finally said something.

Oh hey, did you hear about the 'women's urninal' that was invented? I think they are in Europe or something. You pull this lever down from the wall, position yourself over it, pee, and then you're done. Not sure if I'm coordinated enough for that. Besides, after a long night of dancing in the bar, its kind of nice to sit down for a minute ;)

12:16 AM  
Blogger Lady Jane said...

I'm totally with you!

1:08 AM  
Blogger Curly said...

That's pretty horrible.

I'm imagining that all the Anon comments are from the same person, it's funnier that way.

2:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

1950 women's urinal


6:34 AM  
Anonymous denise d said...

Clean enough to eat off of? Sorry, I AIN'T eating off of something that some idiot just p'd all over. I know there's people who would, but that's a different topic entirely and EW!

As for me - Yes, I use the paper cover, and then I sit my Big Happy Ass right down on it!!

11:21 AM  
Blogger Thomas said...

Today is Global Orgasm Day. Why are y'all blogging? Focus, people.

1:46 PM  
Blogger Steven Novak said...

WOmen hover?

Wow...this is something I never knew...

Ane will now be obsessed with for days to come... ;)


1:56 PM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

This one is right at the top of list (under "being able to make more money") for reasons it's good to be a guy.

On a side note, I'll admit it; if I'm at a bar that I don't like (and drunk enough to no longer care about my social obligations), I will piss on every square inch of the toilet seat except the inside of the bowl.

3:11 PM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

have a happy holiday!

HEY, please help me too. PLEASE goto fuzziechadsrule and read the post. it's important for a friend of mine who's had her son horribly injured inna wreck. Vote if you want, but mainly follow the embedded link in my post to her site and leave a well-wish for her son.




4:18 PM  
Blogger The Gangster of Love said...

Once I walked into a public restroom and saw a guy taking a shit with the stall door open and he was talking on a cell was priceless!

6:40 AM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

Way to even the score, Crystal! I've had plenty of lady friends who say that the women's restroom is so much more disgusting than the men's. Public restrooms in general are disgusting, though.

3:37 PM  
Blogger goldennib said...

I thought I was the only one who had these thoughts. Thank you for pointing out the shear stupidity of this practice and the inconsiderate bitches who partake.

Merry Christmas and a very Happy, Healthy New Year.

2:50 PM  
Blogger biffm said...

Don't I was under the impressino that girls always went to the restroom in pairs so they had a spotter? You know, someone to hold them steady as they balanced. If that is the case, there is no need to ever touch the seat.

12:27 PM  
Anonymous Sherry said...

Sorry Crystal I'm totally a squatter :) That is what my mom told me to do so I must obey. But to make you feel better usually if I'm to drunk to make it in the hugh hole 3 inches from my ass I generally miss completely and end up peeing on my jeans or I am really only effecting myself and the bottoms of you pants not your precious booty :)

6:42 AM  

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