Thursday, December 28, 2006

I guess in keeping with the spirit of Christmas and pee-seats, I will now proceed to bitch about shopping etiquette.

1. Why do people feel the need to have family reunions in the middle of the aisle at Walmart? They have all their carts parked in the middle talking and laughing and carrying on making everyone else find other arteries (which is not an easy task to begin with) to get around them. I don't give a shit if you haven't seen these people in years and you have catching up to do. Invite them to your family's Christmas and discuss it over the jello shots and alternating goblets of MD 20/20 and Franzia that your 6 generations will undoubtedly be drinking just so you can tolerate each other's presence.

2. Get your kids under control. I don't care if you have to strap a harness and blinders on the kid or superglue his face to your hip. Where are all the parents of these unsupervised delinquents?? It is not their fault. They are not bad kids. The parents are just too concerned about finding the perfect inflatible lawn ornament to worry that the HUMAN BEING they created may be in a position to be kidnapped by someone. Not too long ago, I was in the mall and found a three year old wondering around, finger in mouth, drool dripping to the floor, wailing in the middle of Victoria Secret. I went up to the kid only to find out she didn't speak a lick of english. I carefully tried to speak Spanish to her without saying "guey" or "puta" or "donde esta tu pinche madre estupida?" After 15 minutes of carrying this kid around, I finally found her mother in The Gap, completely oblivious to the fact that she'd lost one of her charges. The mother immediately started yelling at the kid for "getting lost" and it took everything I had not to punch her face.

3. BE NICE. Do not steal parking places. Do not stop the car to wait for every person that looks like they might be on their way to their car, in turn making every person behind you stop while you try to get a parking spot 15 feet away from the door. WALK. That's why God gave you legs. Do not steal things from other people's baskets! What gives you the sense of entitlement that you can have those things? Be responsible and get them sooner or go to another store. That is not nice.

4. Don't be a jackass. Santa doesn't like jackasses.


Blogger danielle said...

amen, sister. excellent blog.

2:14 PM  
Blogger jules said...

Yep, you just about covered it all.

4:17 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

There's my little ray of sunshine!

By the way, the fact that you can swear correctly in Spanish....kinda hot.

6:28 PM  
Blogger The Gangster of Love said...

Franzia and Mad Dog 20/20.....I thought only homeless winos drank that.

That and Wild Irish Rose.

4:37 AM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

puta? giggle.
my gods i lurve you and your entry.
that ruled and eloquently stated my pain to a tee.

'cept for me this year it was Target and not Walmart.

hugs to you in the new year,

6:57 AM  
Blogger Sgt said...

I actually have a woman get mad at me when I was walking her lost son from the store to the mall guest services. The poor kid had snot dripping down to his feet from crying for his mom.

The mother can running towards me (from some place further ahead of where I was walking TO) and started saying I should not have have touched her son and a bunch of other crap.

They really should have a special rule where you can just smack someone for exceeding a certain level of stupidity. Granted, I'd probably bend the rules and probably execute justice at a lower point.. but I'm just saying. Its time to correct this.

8:25 AM  
Blogger Sudiegirl said...

Your post succinctly stated why I opted to go to work on 12/26 instead of going shopping.

Also, not a good idea for a BP patient with a spending problem to go to the mall anyway.

Why doesn't Betty Ford handle this stuff?

11:49 AM  
Blogger Sean said...

but... you know... adults don't believe in santa.

8:47 PM  
Blogger Celeste said...

Crystal, I have to say, I love this post! People are such dumbasses in the midst of the xmas rush. Seriously, who steals from someone's basket?! PEOPLE, GET SOME CONTROL!

:) merry xmas

9:34 PM  
Blogger jay are said...

agree, agree, agree. And I wish you would've hit her--how come, tho, you're the one who woulda gotten in trouble? Makes no sense.

9:49 AM  

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