Sunday, December 17, 2006

If I Disappear Forever....

you are in charge of finding the russian looking fellow who followed me upstairs at the coffee bar and sat staring at me incessantly from three chairs away. you must go to his house and take my pickled remains (look in the pantry behind the marmalade) and spread them out over the sea.

i hope he doesn't come up and start licking me.

people are weird.

speaking of weird, someone got to this site by searching "shirley temple love do porn"

Update: Eventually the guy approached me. He talked like Teddy KGB from Rounders. I kept expecting him to pull an oreo from his pocket. After he kissed my hand, he sat down next to me and said the following things:

1. I like you bite your lip. Bite your lip more.
2. You want make out?
3. You look like brunette Jessica Simpson (what kind of crack is this guy shoving in his face???)
4. Let's go make out.
5. I like you!
6. Don't go. I walk you to your car.
7. You want make out?
8. Why you think I crazy?

I must have said "I have a boyfriend" 36 times before I realized the guy was not going away so I left. Do I have a fucking stamp on my forehead that says, I Love Weird Foreign Dudes. Please lick me or touch me inappropriately, show me your testicles, or propose parking lot sex because obviously I am the kind of girl that just LOVES that shit.

13 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"speaking of weird, someone got to this site by searching "shirley temple love do porn"


Sorry... my bad

H. Beginnings

9:02 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I'll kick his frankfurter eating ass if he so much as lets a single taste bud of his touch a hair on your arm. Good body guards are hard to find these days.

I do like marmalade, though.

9:34 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

ACK.....marmalade.

3:51 AM  
Blogger jules said...

Well have you thought about having that stamp redesigned?

6:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

JULES.... I didn't know you came around these parts.

I should have known!!!

And yes.. she really needs to redesign that stamp on her forehead.

It should read "I love condiments"

HB

7:40 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

well, that is just....special. Who are these people? Are you sure that you do not wear a sign on your forehead for weird guys to approach you???

8:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like my cousin Ivan. That Ivan...and his lack of people skills.

8:56 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

He's right with #1 though.

9:00 AM  
Blogger Sean said...

don't you just love knowing that you give off oddball vibes?

2:29 PM  
Blogger Celeste said...

yikes! you sure do attract the weirdos.

8:19 PM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

Can you really blame the guy? He's just trying to live the American dream.

12:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

do we need to hunt this freak down?xvn

10:51 PM  
Anonymous Sudiegirl said...

Ah - I love pickup lines of that nature - NOT!

You poor kid.

I didn't know Marmalade was en vogue as a "love accessory" these days. I'd think it too sticky, yet a good source of vitamin C.

5:50 AM  

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