Monday, February 05, 2007

Killing him softly….with an oven

I may have blogged about this before, but I am too lazy to check.

Awhile back I filled out a 6 weird things about me survey. I was finding it difficult to actually think of 6 things because, as most of you know, I am incredibly incredibly normal.

I am also a raving lunatic (or as Ham would put it - CooCooCaChoo). For some reason, I think all of my friends could die on me at any second. It’s becoming quite inconvenient worrying about this all the time.

1. This particular quirk actually led me to my ex-fiancé. When I was in college, my friend Audrey was going through bad times. Her phone and electricity had been disconnected and she was crying hysterically saying how she hated her life. I was supposed to pick her up when I got off work. So I mosey on over around 11pm and knock on the door. No answer. Hmmm. Car was in the driveway. Door was unlocked. I couldn’t see anything because her power was shut off. And then, in typical Crystal fashion, my thought process automatically turned to:

OMFG! SHE’S DEAD! SHE KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE SHE COULDN’T PAY FOR LIGHTS!

And I sprinted for the neighbor’s house where lived my future ex-fiancé. He answered and I asked for a flashlight. He had one but insisted on escorting me to find my best friend’s dead body…and then he decided that I would be his.

2. Last night, my boyfriend (it is still weird to me that I have one) threw a big football party. Some big game was on or something. Anyway, I went to help him set up and I stayed until around 11pm. After some weird dreams, I woke up convinced that I’d left the goddamn stove on. So I text messaged him. No response. I emailed him about a Rockets game later this month. No response. I called him at 11am asking him to please call me as soon as possible. No response. So, again…

OMFG! HE IS PROBABLY DYING OF CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING RIGHT NOW AND HE IS TOO WEAK TO PICK UP THE PHONE! I KILLED MY BOYFRIEND WITH A COLORLESS, ODORLESS, TASTELESS SIGNIFICANTLY TOXIC GAS!!!

After awhile, I called his best friend and asked him to go check on him. Of course, right after I got off the phone with the best friend, Ryan calls. He’d been in a meeting. I had to explain to him what a crazy person he is dating.

In my defense, one of my parents’ friends died from carbon monoxide poisoning because he left his oven on. However, I probably would have reacted the same way regardless. I have absolutely no idea where this fear comes from, but anytime you guys want to go looking for dead bodies, count me in.

12 Comments:

Anonymous slug said...

Is there something missing in the timeline or did he actually have a meeting in the middle of the night while you were sleeping? If so, I no longer have those "contacts" like I did in college and would like a meeting also if you could set that up.

Also, the gas that comes out of the oven isn't odorless. It's added ahead of time so you know that you're going to die soon. Just thought you would want to know so it would give you one less reason to be CooCooCaChoo.

2:14 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

ha. thanks for that.

he had a meeting this morning. so when i had the dream and woke up to call him, he was already at his meeting and couldn't answer. and [i don't think] the meeting was like the meetings in college. if it was, i will be going there directly after work and "checking the stove" myself.

2:23 PM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

I think its nice that you're so concerned about your friends!

5:56 PM  
Blogger CruiserMel said...

OMG, I get like that, too! But it's usually not about friends, but about me. Last night, I just knew someone was in the house, drilling (?), but the dog didn't move. Neither did I. For like 7 hours.

7:56 PM  
Blogger Kylee said...

I do the same thing.....I can almost see the worst happening. Your not alone. When I was a kid my dad worked nights. Once I started high school and working I could go days without seeing him at all. One time I had a dream that he had died...it was so real and the worst...I was late to school that day waiting for him to get home..(before cell phones)

Its not a bad thing..the reality is that bad things do happen, you are just thinking ahead trying to make sure those bad things dont happen to the people you care about.

9:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's not bad to obsess about your friends deaths... unless you're in their will. ;)


HB

9:23 PM  
Blogger goldennib said...

I get like that sometimes, too. That's why I have no friends. It's simpler that way.

3:52 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

I actually have been known to do something similar if people do not return my phones as they are apt to do. I decide they are dead on the side of the road. It is annoying-- they have no idea. This does not happen very often.

6:56 AM  
Blogger Sean said...

as far as crazies go, i'd say this is pretty low on the list...

8:38 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

celeste - that's nice that you think it's nice but i'd rather not be nice - it'd be a helluva lot less stressful. can you imagine if i had children? jaysus, i would never let them leave the backbedroom where i keep their litterbox.

mel - you have construction workers drilling? i have country music singers!! i can just barely hear them. and they drive me up the wall.

kylee - my dad was a cop and he worked nights, but that was before i was old enought to realize that policeman did more than wear white gloves and whitles and gesture for you to stop the car. i think it has to do with losing my grandpa and not being able to say goodbye. hopefully i will get over it soon.

Father McHottie - HA! i didn't think about that. i will need to ask around.

nib - if i didn't have friends, i would worry about the mailman. it' s just the way i roll yo.

kels - i am the same way. i have actually gone so far as calling hospitals and police stations when people don't return my phone calls (sometimes). crystal = crazy.

sean - wow, you must meet some interesting women.

12:10 PM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

I'm in. As long as I can poke it with a stick.

1:06 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

portland - make sure your stick is covered. we don't want you fucking up any evidence.

1:26 PM  

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