Tuesday, March 13, 2007

About to get a little personal here. Just to let you know.

I am certain that the cliché Every cloud has a silver lining has been around long before blogs. Ever have an experience that is so incredibly horrendous that the ONLY shred of silver you can see is when you say to yourself, Oh, well, gives me something to blog about?

I had one of those incidents on Friday when I went for my Brazilian wax. If you are not familiar with the Brazilian wax, consider yourself lucky. I am not complaining about this particular style of waxing, especially since I pay someone $60/month to do it for me. That, although fairly painful, is not the horrendous experience I was referring to above. I always go to the same lady at the same spa and we chat while I am holding my ankle behind my ear or when I am trying not to spew obscenities and blurt out disrespectful things about her mother. I thought last month was bad. She angrily talked about how she caught her husband of 35 years cheating on her. I was saying everything I could to calm her down, “You don’t need him”, “There are guys out there who will treat you like a princess!” but I could have been dead for all she cared. “That sonofabitch”, RIP “I hope he burns in hell” RIIIIPPPPP!!! I was apologizing profusely to my nonny, praying that we would both make it off that table in one piece. What did my vagina do to deserve this?! Luckily, we survived.

This month was even worse! Is that even possible? Yes! Yes it is!

Guess what was on the agenda for discussion this time around? Religion! She told me that I have the devil inside of me because I am not saved and that my relationship with God was not up to his standard and blahblahblahshitthatidon’tcareaboutblahblahblah and how she wants me to go home and get in bed and ask God to show me the way. She kept taking these long pauses to look me in the eyes and drive her point home. Folks: I am going to hell. So not only was this woman slathering hot wax all over my most sensitive areas (that are responsible for at least 75% of my life’s enjoyment) and RIPPING it out ever-so-violently, she also disclosed that I was going to hell. I don’t know much about religion, but I have a feeling that God wouldn’t appreciate her passing judgment on me and my vagina. I think that she upset the cosmos by being so brazen and in turn, somewhere up in Canada, a priest had a fall and hurt his spine. Way to go, Silva, you big fart stain. Way to go.


Blogger j-me said...

Silvia IS a fart stain (as Perez would say...i caught that!!!) and you need to find another waxy lady pronto!!! no one needs to endure verbal torture at THE SAME TIME as physical torture. ps - i thought spas were basically meant to be relaxing.

1:42 PM  
Blogger j-me said...

pps- if you HAVE to see her again, while you're in that compromising position of having your ankles at your ears, you should fart on her. that'll teach her to keep her damn mouth shut.

1:48 PM  
Blogger motivated girl said...

ah! that's the thing with UBER religious people, they think they can be judgemental of everyone! i'm not real close with god, but i would bet that he/she's not a huge fan of judgement either!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1:56 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

that was me, btw!

1:59 PM  
Blogger ekki said...

Definitely time to get a new waxer! Don't let her talk like that to you in your most vulnerable moment.

Word verif: hzstop haha

4:30 PM  
Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

That's awfully judgemental for someone who makes their living slathering vaginas with hot wax.

6:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

4 out of 5 Priests approve of this message


6:58 PM  
Blogger goldennib said...

I am always amazed at the people who know what God is thinking.

Amazing how she became evangelical after her husband cheated on her. Hum...

3:02 AM  
Blogger Sudiegirl said...

I had a taxi driver proselytize to me once...I told him I wasn't having children because of health reasons, and he advised me to get the entire Holy Bible on CD and listen to it on headphones each night - then the evil spirits would be driven from my body.

I was REALLY glad when I got to my stop.

4:39 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

Whoa Sh*t. That sucks. I could not imagine anything worse. Although, I have to say-- it was entertaining and I am here giggling to myself. Ugh! that is not a kosher waxing experience.

It is time to look into another waxer. If you're ever in Virginia,I have some recommendations.

7:12 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Chica, I think it is time to go native and let it grow out. You could even put beads on it like Bo Derek in "10". Forgive my joking.

Well, I at least have not had this experience while having a prostate exam. Some people are just too friggin' weird.

9:57 AM  
Anonymous George said...

Making a living slathering vaginas with hot wax. Melliferous Pants you have just given me the answer to what my next career will be.

8:38 AM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

The mere fact that you're having a brazilian wax proves you're going to hell. Everyone knows God only approves of the traditional wax. You can look it up, if you want. Or get the CD's like the taxi driver said...

10:24 PM  

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