Thursday, March 08, 2007

Survey: Tan Lines or No Tan Lines?

Ok. I wasn't going to blog about this, but if you can't bare your soul to the three people who read this blog, who can you really bare your soul to?

I hate talking about my insecurities. I may joke around about armfat and lovehandles, but what scares me more than the jiggle of my massive rippling thighs is actually exposing my insecurities. I could never sit around and have a serious conversation about how I hate, with all the power of the castle Grayskull, my poor kneefat-flaps. Because then it gives other people power. They know my vulnerabilities. I have to exude confidence at all times.

That being said, I hate my skin. You hear me, world? I hate it! Who are we kidding? This post will probably be erased in 3 hours when I realize how now you all have the power to destroy me. I have the whitest skin you will ever see. When I go in for checkups and I am sitting there in the stirrups naked as a schizophrenic on PCP the only time someone gets to see my legs, every doctor I have ever had has exclaimed, "Wow! You're white!" Thanks for the diagnosis, Genius. See? I am colored in such a way that detracts from the beauty of my vagina which would be the first thing they should have said "Wow! What a beautiful vagina!" and then they could hurl all the leg insults they wanted.

Anyhow, I will splain. Up until 7th grade, I had a pretty good tan kicking. My body, however, was that of an adolescent praying mantis. I was skin and bones. In my biology class, this kid whose soul was made up entirely of donkey assholes and pelican feces, sat next to me. Every day he would taunt me about my legs, "You are soooooo skinny. You should not wear shorts because your legs are sooooo ugly." and on and on everyday for the entire first semester. So I quit wearing shorts all together. He moved away* and eventually I hit puberty and my body took a more adult shape and I wasn't so embarrassed about my legs anymore. Except now they were WHITE. So I just decided I never had to wear shorts again. So I didn't.

Well, living in Texas, you can imagine what a pain in the ass that is. I have to be in a wedding in May at the beach (weeeee!!) and I need to get some color. I don't even care if my skin is actually tan - I am just trying to rid myself of the awful glare that will most definitely overexpose every picture of the bride and groom.

So I started going to a tanning bed. Yes, I know it is bad for my skin. I know, I know, I know. Right now, I don't even give a care. So there.

I am starting to darken up quite nicely. The thing is, I am too much of a germaphobe to put my naked body inside of one of those very public tanning beds, so I have been wearing a thong. So now I have these massive tan lines from that. I was thinking about just being brave and tanning everything but I wanted to get y'all's opinion. Tan lines or no tan lines?

* Funny story - when I was 18 and all grown up, I went to a dance and this very boy had no clue who I was and asked me to dance with him. I bit his head off. Not really. I told him who I was and he apologized. Moral of the Story: BE NICE TO UGLY KIDS BECAUSE SOME DAY YOU MAY WANT TO HIT THAT SHIT.


Blogger Clearlykels said...

tan lines, but I just like to have something to compare my tan to.

12:10 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

i think there's something very sexy about tan lines. not crazy, boy, tan lines... but a bikini tan line is sexy, i think.

doug thinks so too.

12:52 PM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

No tan lines. Cancer.

12:52 PM  
Blogger heatherfeather said...

tan lines. for the reasons clearlykels said but also because you're preventing you from getting crotch cancer.

however, the bi-curious european in me says bottom tan lines only.

2:07 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...


2:11 PM  
Blogger j-me said...

Just started tanning today too and i'm a no-tan-lines woman. ...just to give another POV.

2:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so you will freely sit on a public toilet but have issues with tanning beds? interesting....

i say no to the lines. it just looks silly.


2:43 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

Either way looks great to me! Do nipples really tan? Is that what you said? Wow!

3:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

NO ONE freely sits on a public toilet seat. That's a matter of immediate need, not some casual desire such as a tanning bed.

oh... and tan lines are sexy

but then so are bra and panty lines


btw... excellent mass mailing you sent crystal. You should blog it

3:16 PM  
Anonymous slug said...

Speaking strictly as a pervert, maybe you should post a few before and after pics of all of these beautiful body parts so that we can give you honest feedback on tanlines or no tanlines.

Also, there is a fine line between having skin that is white and skin that is beautifully porcelain-like.

3:41 PM  
Blogger Thomas said...

I am of the school of thought that Crystal looks fine as is. And you can quote me on that.

5:56 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

i think tan lines are sexy, but i personally prefer pale skin the most.

8:09 PM  
Blogger jules said...

Either way I'd have to see you naked to decide.

9:21 PM  
Blogger Hale McKay said...

Yeah, what my honey Jules said ... but then I don't know you (if that makes a difference.)

Hello, I'm here from Jules' site.

I'm a fence sitter when it comes to tan lines or no tan lines. Both can look sexy.

9:56 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

11:08 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I grew up looking at dusty porno mags that were hidden away for years before my friends and I got our hands on them. These were of my friend's dad's stash and they were from the late '60s and up through the '80s. So, I appreciate tan lines as well as the occasional jungle muff (not a racial reference).

You should surf. Not only do your nipples get darker, the salt water makes them really hard.

11:11 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

What do you think looks good? It's all about how you feel. If you look good, you feel good.

That being said, I'm in the bottom tanlines club. It's like The Hair Club, but you get to look at half-nekkid girls instead of being a wussy who worries about comb-overs and transplants.

5:04 AM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

I'm an IT nerd AND an accountant, so I have no idea what this "tan" thing you speak of is.

My calculator has a button marked 'tan' for computing the ratio of sine to cosine but (in my experience) that has nothing to do with nipples.

6:27 AM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

tinyhands, if you're an accountant/IT nerd, then probably nothing in your experience has to do with nipples. (just joshin ya there)...

re tan lines: a no-tan-line body is more pleasing to look at, but tan lines can make it seem like you're seeing something even *more* naked, more private, more sexy. if that makes sense.
so: tan lines good. no tan lines, good. basically, naked at all is good.

8:16 AM  
Blogger keda said...

no tan lines. but if you must... then only on the bottom.
tan lines on your top half look ridiculous. on the bum can be quite sweet.

paper napkin over the gina/between legs, to protect agaist crotch cancer and sunblock over the nips.

that's what i do anyway ;)

2:33 PM  
Blogger mona said...

MJ would die for your white legs, so there ain't nothing to be ashamed of girl!
and those tanning beds REALLY are bad for you...but if you gotta do it, go naked, if the germs bug you, spray some antibacterial shit on a napkin wipe the bed of- then tan bacteria free!

1:10 PM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

I don't mind getting a tanline on the bottom because I, too, am afraid of the germs.

4:12 PM  
Anonymous George said...

So...I'm sitting here thinking that if you are concerned about tan lines showing, that means this wedding on the beach is going to be really special?

8:47 AM  

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