Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I Am Retarded For Him

You know that feeling you get when you look at someone and feel completely helpless? almost like you're heart has shed its pericardium and decided to go skinnydipping in your stomach and you can't do a damn thing about it and when you look in his eyes, all you can think is if you hurt me, I will personally wrap your balls around that lightpost and let you dangle for 6 hours how vulnerable you are. And, while you're thinking this, he rips a loud thunderous jackhammer fart and you still think he is pretty cool...that says something.

He almost fought someone at Luby's to score me some red jello.

I am only sharing this because my hormones are about to start doing some vigorous aerobics in about 2 days and I will undoubtedly hate him again for approximately 18 hours and write some stupid post about how horribly I am treated and then I will feel dumb about it and erase it but it won't matter to 16 of you bloglines people because you will be able to see it anyway and feel sorry for him. I do already. Lucky for him, I will be out of town this weekend when I start morphing into Shredder or Skeletor or a female version of Hannibal Lecter so he probably won't have to much.


Blogger The Grunt said...

Now only if all women would go and hide somewhere safe (for us) during that special time.

I know that because I said that, sometime down the road I will be stricken with hemorrhoids.

4:17 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

Funny that you mention Hannibal Lecter.

(This comment will make more sense in two days...or not).

1:55 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

grunt - it's happening TODAY! i am morphing. wish i could hide from myself. does that mean i am going to her hemorrhoids?

neal - why? are you going to eat my liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti?

6:10 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

Look at you being all cute and stuff. It warms my heart. ha ha ha.

6:17 AM  
Anonymous Poolboy said...

Are you a real Human?

8:31 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Stay focused. You can get through this! Don't hit the British guy at work, either.

10:03 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

kels - i know. it's so cute it makes me gag sometimes. how sad is that.

grunt - too late. it's ok though. he is still unconscious so i don't have to worry about him ruining my day by tattling on me.

11:18 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...


why, yes. yes of course.

11:18 AM  
Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

I think I will test the depth of my wife's love with a loud, jackhammer fart.

8:50 PM  
Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

PS - I linked you. Hope you don't mind.

8:55 PM  
Blogger John said...

I think the sweetest part of the post is that you used the word retarded in the title. That makes me want to make out with you a little.

4:31 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...


9:27 PM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

Yeah baby, nothing gets a guy thinking about jackhammers than a woman who talks to her ass, loves ketchup and is retarded for him. Sweet!

8:02 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

johnny, of course. i would also suggest holding her head under the covers. although, after that, she might not be retarded for you. she might just be retarded.

john - i wish every guy was as easy as you.

the grunt - [SCREEEAAAMMMMM]

effortlessly average - you forgot about the part where i have a great rack.

10:44 AM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

the key thing here, and i'm being serious now, is whether or not a woman *knows* that she periodically (heh) morphs into Mr. Hyde; the hard thing is if she's convinced that everyone around her suddenly becomes mean, stupid, inconsiderate a$$holes every 28 days like clockwork. that's a little difficult to work with...

8:32 PM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

(ghhhhk -- he said "hard thing"...)

8:33 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

bryan - i think jenna fisher said it best...

if you knew that every twenty-eight days, someone was going to come up and rack you in the nuts repeatedly, you'd start getting bitchy around day 26 too.

9:20 AM  

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