Monday, May 21, 2007

The One Rule You Must Never Break

Always ensure there is a 2-3 person buffer between the great-grandmother and anyone you may decide to bring home for dinner.

Last night, Ryan escorted me to our quarterly family get together. This was his second time to hang out with my family. The first time, I stuck to the aforementioned rule. This time, I let my guard down and as soon as I did, my great grandmother jumped on him like a bear on a fish, white on asprin, like Joe Frances on a drunk 14 year old girl with daddy issues. It all happened in slow motion, really. I left him sitting by her. I did it. It was all my fault.

She reached out and grabbed his hand. “There are only two things I want to see before I die.” I looked over and I swear my voice went in that low drawn-out-slow motion pitch, “Greeeaaaat-graaaandmaaaa noooooooo.” But she didn’t give a rat’s ass.

I looked around quickly to my family for help. My dad started waving frantically to somehow distract her, but she ignored my father. There were a few “Oh, Lord”s from other family members and my brother, of course, sat giggling uncontrollably in the corner.

So grandma kept going, “All I want to see before I died is my great grandbaby get married.”

Jabus Christ.

And going, now with tears…”and have a little great-great grandbaby for me. That’s all I want before I die and I am 89 years old.”

My aunt, “Quick! Somebody get the hose and spray her!”


Blogger goldennib said...

Nobody takes anyone over 86 seriously. Honest.

8:26 AM  
Blogger j-me said...

ooooohhh nooo!! You're talent for story telling is so's like a home movie on VHS playing in my mind. and i'm huddled over laughing hysterically!!! Poor ryan. but not really, he loves old people and proably got a great kick outta that!

8:32 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

ha ha-- such a good rule. Don't let your guard down. It is dangerous around those certain family members.

8:49 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

nib - hahahahaha let's hope so!!

j-me - he took it well. he laughed and just kind of looked frantically around for someone to help him or something to distract him or a very sharp razor blade.

kels - see? see what happens when you break the rules? this is a lesson to all of us!

9:06 AM  
Anonymous sudiegirl said...

Oh my dear...i feel your pain.


hang in there...

10:23 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Aw, come on! You can do it, Crystal. Just think how happy your great grandma would be. You can at least tell her that you are putting in a lot of practice time working on that great grandkid.

12:35 AM  
Blogger Neal said...

The title of this post should be: "Foreshadowing".

4:03 AM  
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

“Quick! Somebody get the hose and spray her!”

I think I just peed a little.

6:04 AM  
Blogger jules said...

That is to fucking funny. I kinda like your grandma!

7:25 AM  
Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

What's the big deal, Crystal? You just have know how to handle those from that generation.

If I were the lucky bastard who gets to see you nak... er... Ryan, I'd have casually picked up my coffee cup, turned to your g-ma, and said in a conversational tone: "I hear ya, grandma, but it's not like I'm not trying. I'm nailing her damned near every day, but I'm sure you knew that already. I mean Christ, look at her; look at that body! Who wouldn't want to tap that with each new day? GAY men want to hit that. Sadly though, my PO says I can't marry her until the divorce is final and I'm caught up on my child support. More coffee?"

If she even talks to him after that, you know he's the one.

7:30 AM  

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