Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Because B. Portland Will Not Win

1. Saturday I went to a Hand Grenade Party at Ryan’s buddy’s pool. I remember actually having a Hand Grenade once in New Orleans. Well, I don’t actually remember it, but I woke up with this in one hand and a large black man’s bulbous testicles in my other. That should have been my first indication that perhaps I should take it easy. BUT IT TASTES LIKE JOLLYRANCHERS AND MAKES MY TONGUE FEEL LIKE WONDERFUL CAN I HAVE SOME MORE?!?! The stuff is made with Everclear and I was completely wasted within the first hour of the party. I have not been that wasted since that one time I ran into the wall and farted all over Ham when he tried to help me. I spent the rest of the day trying to make sure my nose was safely above the water and that I didn’t accidentally bone any boys that weren’t Ryan (Sorry Dave!). I had conversations that I have no recollection of having. Responsibilty. Maturity. That’s what I am all about.

2. This is a huge poster located in the lobby of our building. Apparently, our superiors think we look like big pieces of doodoofeces wearing hardhats and sunglasses. Nice.

3. I got a haircut on Friday. Let me rephrase that – I got the worst haircut in the history of horrible haircuts, I may as well have a mullet with huge puffed up AquaNet drenched bangs and an overdone Olgivie Precisely Right home perm down the back of my head, on Friday. I am sure many women [and some men with thinning hair] can identify with this situation: You tell the stylist to keep as much hair attached to your head as possible while getting rid of the funky junk on the ends. 10 minutes into the cut, you start fidgeting nervously. 15 minutes into it, you can focus on nothing but the sound of the blades and your hair hitting the ground with loud THUDS. 20 minutes into it, you stand up and scream through tears JUST STOP EFFING CUTTING! Yeah, it was kind of like that. Except, not only did I come out with short hair, I also came out with thick bangs that start at the very top of my head and end right above my eyebrows. Big, thick bangs where I previously had none. Thankfully, after Chiing the bitches down, they reached my eyes. When I left he had curled them under. Why do people do that?! I go in with a picture like this and come out looking something like this. The guy that cut my hair is hot and gay and a wonderful dresser so there is no reason he should make anyone look like Rikki Rockett. And! Today I am going to get my passport picture done so I can remember it forever. Sweet.


Blogger blog Portland said...

Wow, that beats my "waking up with a black dude's balls in my hand" story, no contest.

Oh, and I've got a few more posts up my sleeve this week. I'm sure your readers will thank me.

1:21 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

"I am sure many women [and some men with thinning hair] can identify with this situation"

You know, I get my hair cut for $4 at a student haircut place. Since they're students, it's very easy to threaten them and make them insecure, and they will actually listen to what you want, as they are afraid of their teacher slagging them off. Also, they go very, very slowly, so you can always see what is happening. If you have 3 hours to spare, I highly recommend it.

12:55 AM  
Blogger kari said...

ooh! post a photo of the haircut! last summer i went in with my gloriously long locks for long, glorious layer snips and came out with a mullet-type soccer mom haircut.


5:12 AM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

#2- That looks like Michael Jackson's cock.

6:10 AM  
Blogger goldennib said...

Not only will you remember the haircut but so will other people in other countries. Sweet.

7:22 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

Oh dear! Well, I mean, all passport pictures are bad, especially with all of the new rules. Good luck. Luckily hair grows!

8:32 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Not all black men's balls are large and bulbous.

I once got dropped off at a rather suspect barber shop when I was a teen because my dad said I needed a "real" haircut. I came out looking like Moe from the Three Stooges.

So, I feel your pain...and your bulbous something-or-others.

10:53 AM  
Blogger Ryan said...

I have a similar poster like that in my office but all the cartoonsare nude and anatomically correct.

If you guys think waking up with bulbous black balls in your hands is rough, try waking up with them in your mouth. Wait.. What?

8:51 AM  
Blogger Curly said...

I cut my own hair, that ensures that the only person I can blame for having shit hair is me. It's safer that way.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

I went to a Hand Job party once. It was a load of fun - great finger sandwiches too.

4:55 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

Of course, the problem for Curly is that he DOES have shit hair.

Those hat-wearing turds remind me of Dumb Donald off "Fat Albert."

6:55 AM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

i second kari's comment: we demand pictures of the haircut.

5:23 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

One of the nice things about being a boy is that when you get a bad haircut you can just whack it all off and start over.

10:04 PM  
Blogger NiolK said...

Post that fucking passport picture. The power of christ compells you.

3:13 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

jay - ok, mr. pdx, you do win. i cannot come up with anything better than the craigslist stuffed animals orgy emails. so you get pictures of my hair. wee.

fat sparrow - that is a great idea. only for haircuts though. i don't think anything involving hot wax should be performed by students. once, my friend got sugarwax INSIDE her vagina. not good.

kari - i am less soccer mom - more like bratty little kid who wipes her boogers on other kids.

tinyhands - michael jackson's cock is a variety of colors, not just the color doodoofeces.

nib - if i don't scare them enough with my ginormous mug.

kels - they are like driver's license pictures. i can't believe i actually posted it. and i have it for 10 whole freaking years!

grunt - exactly how many black men's junks have you handled?

ryan - it feels like sweaty. wait. how do i even know that?

curly - do you refuse to tip yourself when you get a bad cut?

mighty - lol, good times. who had to eat the cracker?

chris cope - you calling me fat and dumb? is it my thighs?

bryan - yes sir!

neal - i think about whacking it off all the time - sometimes it is hard for me to concentrate at work because i want to whack it off so badly.

NIOLK! - ok...since you posted me some titty pictures...

9:23 AM  
Blogger Rrramone said...

Your hair is loverly. And so is Jessica. And not so much with Poison.

9:36 PM  

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