Thursday, July 12, 2007

It IS My Thighs

1. I rolled out of bed this morning and my BANGS! were in a very attractive Edward Grimley-style coiffe. I had red marks on my face from smashing my cheek into the puddle of drool on my pillow and one of my eyes was mysteriously half-shut glaring at me from the mirror like Sloth. One of those days. I read somewhere in some lady magazine that not wearing panties makes a woman feel sexier. Since I was already so smoking having just rolled out of bed looking like Carmen Electra, I wondered if it was possible for me to feel so incredibly sexy that my vagina would just explode. I decided this would be the day. What a dumb idea. I have spent all day nervous that I was going to have a seizure or a heart attack or some other likely medical emergency that would make me fall on the floor and, heaven forbid!, knock myself unconscious and leave my naughty nostril on display for my entire office. I almost had an anxiety attack when someone left a piece of ice on the floor in the breakroom. Sexy, indeed. I am a hot mess.

2. Stephanie told me today that she thinks I am bordering on an eating disorder. If she means the disorder where you are physically unable to stop yourself from shoving chilli cheese fries in your spithole, then she is right on target. I did lose some weight, but it isn't because I eat carrots and ketchup for every meal. It is because I have crazy wild monkey sekts. And because I injest tapeworms.

3. I work in the environmental field, so this was effing hilarious to me. The interview is great.

12 Comments:

Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

Re: # 1.... Don't feel bad. I look like that on my good days. Any day I wake up with my face all smushed meant that my toddler let me actually get some sleep.

11:13 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Good thing you practice sekts. If you were practicing in a sect there would be no monkey involved, nor any hottness.

11:50 PM  
Blogger goldennib said...

That interview is classic. The whale died of old age.

3:39 AM  
Blogger Christie said...

No panties?! I do that with pants, except jeans cause that seems uncomfortable, but I am not ballsy enough to do it with skirts. Plus if my horn-dog husband found out, he would never go to work, then he'd lose his job, then we couldn't make the house payment, then we'd be living in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.

8:12 AM  
Blogger jules said...

"I wondered if it was possible for me to feel so incredibly sexy that my vagina would just explode."

This right here is just the reason I read you!

12:04 PM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

I'm sure nobody will worry about you going commando if you're topless.

2:36 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

I found the whale link to be hilarious too, and I don't even work with the environment.

6:59 PM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

I've never gone commando. I just can't bring myself to do it! Does that make me a prude?

10:35 PM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

haha. actually that reminds me of a scene in a book I just read:

Two sister are in the public washroom.

A little girl comes out of one of the stalls and says proudly "I wear big girl panties now!" and then turns to the younger sister and says "Do you wear big girl panties too?"

The sister just looks at the kid and then responds "no, I usually just go commando." And the mother gives her a *look*.

"What?" she says, "You want me to lie to a little child?"

10:37 PM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

is it plagiarism (sp?) that I just wrote that?

now I'm just being a comment whore.
Bye now.

10:38 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

I'm far too chicken to ever leave my house without panties on.

7:11 AM  
Blogger ropinator said...

wow you can change your characteristic so fast, in the first moment you write about an exploding vagina and a few lines later about the environment stuff

8:23 AM  

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