Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Oh, No I Didn't

I work for a very conservative oil company. Not conservative in that they protect the environment or your wallets from harmful oil by-products. They are conservative in that they don't let me call people dickface and slap the ass of every hot pair of Dockers I see.

I got an email yesterday inviting the entire project team (not including the Project Executive) to a teambuilding event for Wednesday afternoon (today) at a lake for skiing. What? This seems terribly out of place. Skiing = Swimsuits. Right. I looked at the invite list. I would be the only female there. The old guy who follows me around with his mouth open and gives me questioning looks as if to say "May I partake in one cup of your sweet sweet urinade?" will also be there. So that's awesome. My boss and my boss' boss are strongly encouraging me to go because, of course, everyone hates the environmental team and so it'd be good for us to show them my boobies make friends.

I am opting out. I can't believe I am actually going to say this, but I would rather stay here and review contractor documentation than go sit out in the sun and drink beer on a boat.

OMG, does that mean I am old?


Blogger bronxbt said...

no, you're not old, luv... it jes' means that your boobies are reserved for someone else...




9:37 AM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

you are cruel and heartless.
for some of those guys, this could be their only chance all summer to see a pair of boobies in a swimsuit.
i ask, where is your compassion?

10:00 AM  
Blogger NiolK said...

If you fail to quell your tit flashing urge you know where to find me.

You've seen my sack. Fairs fair.

PS - Throw the aul lad a bone let him drink some o' your piss it'll be the highlight of his little week.

10:55 AM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

Four comments in and they have already derailed. BIG TIME.

As for my 2 cents, you are kind of acting like an old wuss. Just wear a (black) t-shirt to cover the girls, and go have fun with it.

11:42 AM  
Blogger Magnum PO said...

Fuck'em. Let them enjoy their sausage fest.

1:47 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

I don't get how this helps build teamwork at all. I think people down in Texas like any excuse to drag someone behind a vehicle by a rope.

You should go and you should wear a sensible pantsuit the whole time. That'll learn em.

2:31 PM  
Blogger Christie said...

Being the only girl with a bunch of guys on a boat with alcohol? Sounds like the makings of a bad porn movie to me.

4:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah.. seriously.

This isn't appropriate at all.
No sensitivity at all in regards
to you.

Do what you feel is right.


4:37 PM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

Seriously-- you would be the only girl and they would all be staring at your boobs. That does not sound like a good day to me. I would review contracts and take a long lunch that involves a pedicure.

6:05 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Sweet, you say? Hmmn...I thought it would be salty like brine solution.

I would go and put little paper bullseyes on your physical manifestations of God's love to you. I'm sure it wouldn't attract anymore attention in that situation than if you didn't put targets on them.

9:37 AM  
Blogger Sean said...

personally i think you're passing up a great opportunity here. after seeing you in a swimsuit all day, i think you'd have all of them wrapped around your finger and they'd be totally unable to say "no" to you afterwards...

9:56 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

bronx - it's true. guess i should get his permission before i go hauling them out, eh?

bryan - i am pretty heartless. but then again - that's what the internet is for. and they can always go cop feels on the mannequins at foley's.

niolk - how do i know that was your sack. that could have been the sack of any redheaded irish dude. but, i will say, that you keep me satisfied with all the boobie pictures. boobies.

portland - you think a black t-shirt will deter them? i mentioned i am in the oil industry, right?

magnum - i think that's a great idea. maybe the old guy will have to eat the cracker this time.

ryan - you are fucking hilarious. i am so intimidated by your wit that i have absolutely nothing to say.

christie - you sound like my best friend. she's all, Crystal! They are going to gangbang you!! Maybe I should have gone...

HB - i will tell my boss that God told me not to. how's your pussy? still keeping it on a leash?

kels - we think the same. i desperately need a pedicure.

grunt - i didn't know what brine was so i looked it up on wikipedia. turns out, i can preserve vegetables, fish and meet with my pee. wanna come over for dinner? and aren't nipples just like bullseyes?

sean - i am sure they would give me anything i wanted - because i terrified the shit out of them with my jiggly bottom and cankles.

10:36 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Pastrami sandwiches and sauerkraut for all!

9:08 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

Wow, it has been a while since I have been by your blog. Good to see the same sense of humour still rocking away.



9:20 PM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

Those poor guys. They probably only came up with this whole idea of going on a boat so that they could see your girls. Way to let the team down Crytal!

10:12 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

They are conservative in that they don't let me call people dickface and slap the ass of every hot pair of Dockers I see.

What a sorry ass company. Of course you can't call it that. You'd have to call it a sorry buttocks company. Or something.

4:51 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Did you go? Did you have fun? Your boobies aren't even the hottest part of you. You can smack my Dockers. If I owned any that is.

5:25 AM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

I assumed you weren't going because of your thighs.

6:46 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

the grunt - i will be sure to soak all of that in my brine urine. i've shortened it to brurin and i am thinking about marketing it. the different flavors will be dictacted by how hard i party the night before and what i drink. all night jager - that will be some tasty fucking pee right there.

scott - no YOU rock

celeste - i know, i am probably going to get fired. i can see it now. they call me in and tell me what a disappointment i am and i fall to my knees and fling my boobies out while security drags me out - my boobies knocking out random co-workers along the way. and then they will be all, "Too little, too late". I should have freaking gone.

dan - that's a good point. that's the only reason i have this blog in the first i have an outlet. because if i don't call at least one person a dickface per day, then my life is meaningless.

jerk - i didn't go. you're right. i think my waist to hip ratio would have sent the men i work with into a horny frenzy and made them do naughty things to me. maybe i should have gone after all.

tinyhands - are you kidding me?? i freaking love taking my thighs everywhere. do you know how many beers i can stow away in my cellulite (sp?) dimples?? jeez. use your thinking cap, hands.

7:14 AM  
Blogger Parisian Cowboy said...

NO. I guess, that means you're clever.

1:35 AM  
Blogger Neal said...

I wish I could have been in on that brainstorming session:

"Jones, you know Crystal over on the Environmental Team? I've been trying to see her boobies all summer and I've tried everything I can think of, any suggestions?"

"Well, Sanderson, have you tried organizing a team building event? Maybe in a hot tub or some sort of bikini photo shoot..."

"No, no, that will never work, she'll see right through that. You're on to something though. Maybe a trip to the beach for some skiing."

"That's the ticket!!!"

7:03 PM  
Blogger Dave Morris said...

I could flat out market your urine for you if it ever comes to that.

5:24 PM  

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