Monday, July 09, 2007

Things that happened since I last posted:

1. Ryan and Brandon and Melanie and Davey and Jame introduced me to 3-Man and we played with these round dice that Jamie brought back from Chicago. Holy crap. I love that game and when I had to make up a rule, I totally made everybody express their love for the weiner.














2. I went to the Home Depot with my boyfriend and he spent a lot of time looking at air compressors. I am not a huge fan of the Home Depot because this one time I went with my dad when I was eight and he told me to "Stick your foot right here!" at the garage door opener display. And he shut it on my foot. And I was stuck. Flailing and crying. While he laughed. Very funny, dad. Anyhow, so I was shaking off bad memories and following Ryan around inquiring about every tool we came across. Then, I got bored and tried on every. single. toolbelt. at the Home Depot and asked random customers if they thought it made me look hippy.
3. I am hilarious with the promo. I like to have things explained to me. I think that is just the funniest shit I have ever witnessed since my brother tried to kill my cabbage patch by throwing it in the air and then it vengefully came down and almost broke his nose with its hard, rocklike melon. Ryan decided to explain to me how the dishwasher works and I sincerely almost peed out of my nose. I also have fabulous ideas. Like I wanted to play this game where we catch bugs and the bugs are worth money (fly - 50 cents, roleypoley - 13 cents, etc). Great idea huh. Ryan didn't think so and he didn't want to play so I pouted for a good ten minutes until he distracted me with Wii tennis and then I played like a badass thank you very much.

4. We went to see the Matisyahu/311 concert at the Woodlands. 8 of us got there in a huge white stretch hummer with a bar and porno lights on the inside (thanks to Hambone). However, we returned with only 6 because 2 arrests were made during the end of the concert and Jamie was all whoa they got arrested? this stuff never happens and Dave was all those police were using excessive force with that girl and I was all sweet we have more room in the limo and then Dave said oh that means more beer for the trip back and then everybody was happy.

5. I ate some bad food and I got some diarrhea. Bad. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. I think if I thought I had the diarrhea before, I was sadly mistaken. It was horrible. AND! I got it at Ryan's. So last night I woke up at three am (and 4am and 4:30 am, and 5:15 and finally 7:00am) and made a beeline for the bathroom (making sure the door was open this time before I rammed my nose into it again ) and this sweet soft-spoken ass of mine who refuses to poop at his house exploded in a thunderous roar that shaked the house and made the leaves wither and fall from all of Ryan's trees. Miserable. And then, this morning, I promptly threw the sheets into the washing machine. Coulda been mud. But I am not taking any chances. So all day, I have been hunched over and hoping people don't ask me why I am all red and shaking and sweaty.


5. Sucks. I got a flat. I have no spare. Luckily, I have the best boyfriend ever who spent his workday fixing my car. Because he is the bomb. Even if he isn't interested in 13 cent roley polies.

19 Comments:

Blogger blog Portland said...

I don't know where to begin, so I'll simply add that I'm hitting up the same concert in August, and hope to have at least half as much fun as your friends did.

4:05 PM  
Blogger One Step From the Edge said...

Another 311 fan, I knew I was gonna like you. I hope for a great concert in August as well, but if BP gets thrown in jail, he's staying there until the show is over. I paid a lot of money for those tickets.

I'm sorry to hear about the explosion of poo. That sucks! And there is no quietly going about the dirty business either. When you have it, EVERYONE knows you have it.

4:22 PM  
Blogger jules said...

Maybe you blew out the tire when you had your explosion?

3:22 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

You have been busy. I'm sorry that you were sick that is absolutely the worst. Hummer Limo? Damn!

6:03 AM  
Blogger j-me said...

yes i was very excited to be rolling like the rock stars we are in the stretch hum-vee, but then the rock star persona became all too real with the arresting situ and now i just want to go back to being mildly average. how 'bout you?

7:59 AM  
Blogger Ryan said...

If you think there are a lot of tools to check out at Home Depot, you should walk around Circuit City for a while. Twouldst be heaven.

If I had known bugs were worth cold hard cash I never would have been treated for my lice. I could have put a new wing on the house with just those of the pubic variety.

8:49 AM  
Blogger NiolK said...

A.) Matisyahu rules.

B.) My brother just go a Wii I'd kick your arse at Wii Tennis.

C.) Have you tried Wii Play? The air hockey game kicks ass.

12:16 PM  
Blogger goldennib said...

I can't imagine peeing out my nose, no matter what.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

portland - well, the girl did get elbowed in the face repeatedly by this one cop who apparently thought he was hulk hogan or some shit. so don't hope too much.

osfte - i freaking know! my roommate in college called me with an epiphany one day. "Spread your buttcheeks out!" she says. So i tried and it did nothing but sound like a damn balloon.

jules - i would not doubt that. i think i may have added dug some holes for extra plumbing. it was bad.

kels - i have never even ridden in a regular hummer. ham is the pimp. he is single. you should totally hook it up.

j-me - i agree with you 100%. i will settle for average with large smarties than rockstars with misdemeanors.

ryan - lice don't get you any money. they is grody. and i think i would rather smell things in circuit city. nothing melts my butter like new electronic equip. smells.


niolk -
a - i agree and he is kinda hot too. and a good dancer. i'd do him. and his beard. and his yarmulke. is that blasphemous?

b - whatever, i am almost a pro, natch.

c - i have not tried it, but will defninitely get it. love me some air hockey

goldennib - you never laughed so hard, you peed out your nose? how odd. it feels like warm and smells like pee.

12:49 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Your dad must love you very much. Mine used to almost throw me off of cliffs.

9:29 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Oh yeah, it wasn't like that scene from "Trainspotting", was it?

9:30 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

Your dad sounds like my dad.

When my brother was dating his now-wife, then-girlfriend, who lived next door to me, he would come over to my house to shit. I put a stop to that when they got engaged; if he was going to be related to her parents, they could damn well smell his shite and have their toilet clog.

And what you had is called an "assplosion." When you clean it up, it's a "shituation," as in "I can't talk right now, I have to deal with a shituation."

11:00 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Flat tires absolutely suck! So does getting sick... sorry 'bout the rough times. :(

8:42 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

the grunt - did he hold you down and lick your nose too? and then you had to walk around smelling gross dadspit for the rest of the day? yeah. my dad is way worse.
and, it wasn't quite like trainspotting, but i did think about that often as i lay in his bed clenching my buttcheeks together against his soft white sheets. spud? casual sex?

fat sparrow - way to kick your brother off the shitter! and shituation is my new favorite word. thanks for that.

desiree - i guess it could be worse. i don't know how. but i guess it could be.

9:14 AM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

i've never liked Home Depot, really. in fact, i find it kind of scary. maybe it's related to the time I went to Home Depot and a clown killed my dad.
Or whatever. Maybe I didn't get that quite right...
sorry about the diaoehhrrea.

2:44 PM  
Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

Crystal, wtf is a roleypoley?

Also, sorry I deleted your comment on my blog by mistake. I'm a moron.

3:39 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

bryan - i am sorry to hear about your father. clowns are strange like that. i went to new orleans and there was a clown who was making balloon hats and he asked me if i wanted one and i said no because, really, a balloon hat? did he expect me to pull ass with that on my head? and he wound up making one and putting it on my head so, what the hell, i have him two dollars and then he started screaming at me that the hat was worth way more than two dollars. maybe your dad shoulda just paid for the hat, man. that's all i am saying.

johnny - this right here is a roly-poly. i really wish you would not have asked because i had to find a link and now i am just grossed out. woodlice?! sincerely? they are lice? lice is nastay. and also if you enlarge this picture, it kinda looks like that thing that they put in that guy's ear on that one sci-fi movie from years back. so it makes me wonder if roly-polies would really eat brains.

6:20 AM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

I love 311! I would have gladly traded INXS for 311.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

Ah! Pillbug!

8:06 PM  

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