Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Cops - Bad Girls

The cop was trying to get information out of some bleach blonde lady who was too fucked up to comprehend anything and kept offering up stellar answers such as, "I'm not sure" and "Let's start this over" She repeated those two sentences over and over again. She then interrupted the cop to tell him matter-of-factly, "I think your nickname should be Doodoo."

And this is why I love Cops.

Now, I can't stop thinking up nicknames for people. I will be in meetings with important people and want to raise my hand casually to interrupt their lame power point presentation with, "I think your nickname should be stutterballs." I can't stop. I was in the elevator the other day with some woman discussing the weather and it took everything I had not to discreetly drop the nickname in. I am certainly glad it finally stopped raining. Did you know that Richmond got 17 inches of rain last week, Cuntflaps? Yeah, I know. Shocking, right. You should try it.


Blogger Christie said...

I will be Wonder Bitch, and you will be.....? I'm not good at nicknames. I mean, come on, my pet name for my husband is Douchebag.

1:46 PM  
Blogger goldennib said...

Was the blonde Paris or Lindsey or Brittney? It doesn't matter.

1:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am absolutely stealing this and trying it out. Awesome. -Steph

3:38 PM  
Blogger Blur said...

What is wrong with you?

5:18 PM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

I ended up with the nickname Celester the Molester in high school. I am still scarred.

10:49 PM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

A friendly little pat on the ass will usually stun most coworkers into silence for the remainder of all but the longest elevator rides. Don't believe me?

7:05 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

christie...but I wanted to be wonder bitch. no fair. you always get the good stuff. i will settle for supercunt this time, but next time i get to pick first.

nib - ha! strange that you say that. i can totally see it being britney spears! "omg, y'all! your nickname should be doodoo!"

Steph - it works. not good for making friends at work so i would recommend that you keep it in your head or if you have to speak it, use your library voice.

blur - i used sunscreen for 5 days in a row, ok? you would break out too! quit looking at me and my commune of unruly pimples.

celester the molester - that is hilarious! i guess it could have been no, it couldn't have.

hands - i prefer the balls. it's a lot easier to "accidentally" grab somebody's balls. balls. go balls!

7:23 AM  
Blogger Ryan said...

I have had several nicknames including The Toast man, Tittyboy McSmoothcrotch and Baron Von Pantshitter.

8:52 AM  
Blogger Curly said...

That's a good game, I've been playing a variation of that for years. I refer to a lot of people as "My little *insert obscure noun*", I excel at ordering from female bar staff.

"Hello my little Moon Button? Can I have a beer please?"

People call each other "Love" or "Babes" too much around here.

9:18 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

ryan - i get the last two, but the toast man?? what the hell did you do to deserve that??

curly - yeah, i'd totally give you a drink if you called me Moon Button.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Anthony S. said...

I'm totally made me burst out laughing at work. I work in a library. Everybody is looking at me like I'm crazy. Oh well. Rubberneckers.

12:23 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

anthony - rubberneckers! see! see how easy and fun it is to make up nicknames? i think i just invented the best game eva!

6:08 AM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

There is no way in hell you can have a nickname that doesn't have "tits" in it. At least not a plausible one.

11:48 AM  
Anonymous Mom said...

Haha! Blog Portland's comment reminded me of a funny memory:

Remember when Aunt Elsie said you've got some cute little titskies?

Sorry about the gene pool, baby.

Every ten years you'll go up another cup size.

Love, Mom

6:26 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

jay - funny that you say that. i found out after leaving my old job that one of the VPs there used to call me crystaltits. i saw him at a bar and busted him for it in front of all the other VPs. may have to blog about that someday.

mom - jesus, are you kidding me?? i am going to have to buy a freaking wheelbarrow when i am forty!

9:16 AM  

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