Monday, August 20, 2007

No, I Am Not Ok

I am tired of people asking me if I am ok. I have had 4 people poke their noses in my office today to check on me. What for? Don't you know you're supposed to leave people alone if they look all fucked up? If you walk into the office and someone (whom you have only talked to about how that darn copier is on hiatus again or how the weather is extraordinarily hot this week! - even though it is Texas and it is hot every muh-fuk'n day fom March to January) looks a little down in the dumps, why don't you do them a favor and walk on by and not pry into their personal life with questions like, "Why the long face, hon?" It's fucking offensive. You know you probably don't give a shit anyway. What if they actually tell you what's bothering them? What if they tell you No, I am not ok. I walked in this morning to find my brother grinding his balls on my powder puff or No, I am not ok. My anal warts have set up Camp Kickapoo on my taint and are having fire ceremonies. 99% of the time I have just neglected to put makeup on and my uneven skin tone and droopy eyes lead people to believe that I am in some type of traumatic emotional pickle.

No, I am not ok today and every time I get so involved with work that I've actually forgotten about why my life sucks, someone has to come in and inquire what's wrong, thus forcing me to be reminded that I look like I dragged my face around on the carpet for thirty minutes before I came to work, which sends me into another downward spiral where I start considering how many sticks of string cheese I can eat in order for it to be fatal.

So, please, people. Stay out of my office today.


Blogger blog Portland said...

To me, a women without eye makeup sends the same signal as a coiled cobra -- stay the fuck away.

1:24 PM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

for what it's worth... there are people out here (me! meh! me!!) who actually care how you are, and would always lurve to help if we can.

so, while i'll stay out of your office, (envisioning les nessman's TAPED floors and walls on WKRP in cincinnati)i'm always a willing listener...



1:26 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

OMG! i'm totally with you, i'm not doing well these days myself and i'm truly sick of the randoms asking me if i'm okay. i want to yell back NO I'M NOT would you like to sit here and listen to my sob story?

on my flight back home after my nephew was a still born, i was sobbing hysterically... i get in the security line at the airport and the guy behind me says in a meek voice, "ummm are you okay?" i felt like slapping him over the head with his pocker protector, NO JACKASS I'M DOING HORRIBLE! ewww, what gives randoms the right?

2:03 PM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

Grinding balls into a powder puff, you say? That is a new one to me. This makes me really curious about the men in your life.

You rock, so tell those nosey bastards to suck balls.

3:59 PM  
Blogger ekki said...

I only ask strangers if they are ok if they are being a total ass to me. It usually gets me punched in the nose, but hey at least they know I care. ;)

5:37 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

Uh-oh. Looks like somebody's got a case of the Mondays :(

(Ouch. Stop hitting me. It was a film reference)

2:27 AM  
Blogger goldennib said...

The overly curious should e shot.

3:30 AM  
Blogger tinyhands said...

You should try doing a little blow in the morning. It's the quicker-picker-upper. (Helpful tip: It goes well with strippers. And donuts.)

6:19 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

portland - it would be nice if all men were as smart and intuitive as you are. or maybe it isn't intelligence. maybe christie just trained you well.

bronx - thanks. perhaps you can conduct some type of tutorial for certain people in my life. it could be a motivational class entitled, "Come On Gang! Let's Give A Crap!" i'll buy the t-shirts.

kim - holy shit. i'm sorry to hear about that. i hope you feel better soon. i know what you mean about randoms though. i am completely on board. fuckers.

grunt - i've never caught my brother rubbing his testicles on a make up applicator. however, if i had balls the first thing i would do with them was grind them on a powder puff. they are so soft. so soft.

ekki - and that is why i love you. you are a complete smartass. and i can totally see you saying that.

chris - ha! funny that you say that. i was thinking about incorporating that in the post, but merely writing those words would probably push me over the edge. so thanks. :P

nib - we will call the overly curious group the Mind Your Own Fucking Business club. and then we can shoot them. i just like to make up nicknames.

hands - ryan is always trying to get me to do that in the morning and i'm all no! my mouth needs to be in speaking order for the meeting today! you're going to have to do it yourself.

8:22 AM  
Blogger Christie said...

Whenever I have a bad day, some asshole male asks if I'm on my period. Why, I ask, can't a woman just have an off day without men assuming she is bleeding to death? WHY?!?!?!

8:43 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

christie - i know exactly what you mean. good way to get punched in th face, guys. ESPECIALLY if she is on her period when you say it.

9:16 AM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

Sorry you're having a sh***y day, Crystal. Hope you feel better. And I know it's kind of fun to just rant once in a while.

But "randoms"? Pocket protector head slapping? Jaysus.

Since when is expressing concern a bad thing?
At a fundamental level, we are
a) all alone in the world, and
b) dependent on each other.

Other people have no obligation to help us or care about us other that what they decide to feel. If they express genuine concern for us, that's a *good* thing. If we are angry when people do that, we are being an asshole.

And, of course, when we're in a mood, reasoning like the above does not earn everlasting affection and admiration. But still. Jaysus.

12:46 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

bryan - you are right and my post is somewhat of an exaggeration because i get concerned about people i work with and their well-being and i have been known to ask if someone is ok. unfortunately, i am the type of person who will fall into a waterfall of tears when i receive any sympathy so it makes me even more upset when people ask what is wrong. i would rather be left alone. looking at it this way makes me feel better because being angry feels better than being miserably sad. good point though. you are totally right. i feel like an asshole now. but at the same time, i do wish the people who express concern for me actually care about me and not because they are being nosey and eager to spread juicy news about me all over the office.

2:04 PM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

reading comments...I hate when men assume you are "PMS'ing" just because you are in a shite mood. How single-minded can you be?!

Anyway, next time someone says "why so sad?" look at them in horror and ask "what? you didn't hear the tragic news about your mother?"

is that completely evil?

5:01 PM  
Blogger bryan torre said...

damn, crystal, i expected to get my throat ripped out. now i almost feel disappointed. :-)

one thing i forgot to say: afaic, we all get to be an asshole once in a while. we're all human (except for al gore.) i just think we should own it rather than pretending the issue is inept-but-well-meaning people asking dumb questions.

anyway, i completely understand anger as a defense mechanism. i still do it about my failed marriage.

i also hate it when ppl are just curious as opposed to really wanting to help. they should be smacked.

11:15 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

I wanted to post an intelligent and caring response, but some girl who works here just came into my office in a bad mood for "some reason" (you know what I mean) and yelled at me. Then she smacked me in the face with her tampon.

I wish I shaved this morning. The hair really retains the smell.

8:55 AM  
Blogger Rrramone said...

Gosh, I needed that laugh. :-)

And I will stay out of your office, promise!

1:11 PM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

Exactly, how many things of string cheese do you think it would take to be leathal-- because really, I would like to read that obit.-- NOt to be morbid, but if you read "Died due to over consumption of string cheese" you'd be intrigued as well.... interesting...

Also, I am def. the girl who asks if you're ok-- but I do always mean it.

6:25 AM  
Blogger Curly said... are you okay now?

7:09 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Yeah, but it's ok if your face looks like that as long as your knees got drug a bit too. Know what I'm sayin'? wink-wink nudgily-noodgey-nudge

Um....what was I....OH, I think I meant rug burns from the hot sex.

...on the hot carpet.

This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey buddy, why the long face?" and the horse tramples him to death.

8:51 AM  

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