Thursday, September 13, 2007

I can't believe I ate the whole thing...

I Love You This Much
I don't blog too specifically about my boyfriend because I don't want to look like a complete dumbass if I say all these nice things and we don't work out because he leaves me for his secretary/tells me he is gay/I catch him popping pimples on his best friend's back/smuggles heroin-filled condoms in his anus just for fun/eats olives. It's a defense mechanism. However, next week I will have known the stud for a whole year. So now I am going to tell you why he melts my butter. These are in no particular order because I am way too lazy to prioritize my feelings and shit.

He has the perfect nose. It fits perfectly on my duffle (<--- by the way, duffle? yeah, i totally made that word up. if some lethargic monkey comes up and tries to claim it, tell him to step off or he will have to deal with me thanks). He is smart and he gives lunch and learns to people and throws things at them when they fall asleep. He is funny. If I ever say something is big - no matter how sexual/unsexual - he says, "Thank you". He has the prettiest eyes and the best backside in 4 counties. He is ticklish. He cooks for me and gives me wine. He has a great dog. He has a slip-n-slide and a room purely dedicated to washing dishes. He can actually fix things without messing them up even more! He likes Family Guy and Cops and he gets just as excited as I do when they go on a "disoriented persons" call. His body fits perfectly around mine. He is tall enough where I can wear my tallest heels and he will still be taller but short enough so I can give him an impromptu kick in the balls without stretching first. He smells like him. He loves kids and animals and when I see him in action, my uterus comes dangerously close to spontaneously combusting in utter want. He doesn't punch me in the face ever. He always has a candle or incence burning at his house so it always smells like cookies or old hippies. He says the perfect things: I want us to grow old together so we can sit around in diapers and have pleasant discussions about our feelings. He looks fucking smoking in a wifebeater and basketball shorts. He is awesome.

I am certain there are other things I am forgetting at the moment and other things you probably do not want to read about. I sure do love that boy.


Blogger The Grunt said...

Shit, why is there not a rock on your finget yet?

Jus' effin do it!

10:19 AM  
Blogger keda said...


very glad t'hear it indeed.

now is he the muscle man or the one trying to do alternate/opposing circles in front of him?

that's quite hard, i'm teaching the lets that almost as i type.

12:46 PM  
Blogger goldennib said...

I think you kinda like the guy, but I'm not sure.

1:35 PM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

aww! what a great post! I can't wait to find my own boy to love in so many ways... This has restored my faith in love.

11:23 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

He sure sounds gay. Having a girlfriend built like you CLEARLY shows he is not however. Kudos on the not punching your face part.

5:49 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

the grunt - i know, right? i want to hurry up and lose my virginity and i can't do that until i am married so...

keda - it's the circle guy. it is tough. i don't think he got it figured out that night. math guys...

nib - maybe just a little. on a good day.

celeste - yay! he has single friends, you know.

jerk - the boy is most definitely, almost painfully, not gay. he is the most ungay guy i have ever dated. which doesn't say much.

6:45 AM  
Blogger Photogirl said...

ha. yeah, but don't you live, like 1 million miles away? figures, there are NO single guys where I live. (well, there are, but they are dumbasses)

9:01 AM  
Blogger The Grunt said...

I always knew you were a good little Catholic girl at heart.

10:30 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

Don't ruin a perfectly good relationship by getting married. Enjoy single-dom as long as you can (ie, until he knocks you up).

4:32 PM  
Blogger NiolK said...

Incense/candles....vest & basketball shorts....cooks for you....smells nice...he's gay right?

PS - If he never punches you in the face what does he do if you misbehave?

12:23 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

celeste - not wanting a dumbass? that really cuts down on single guys our age. i will think of something.

the grunt - that's why he will rap my wrists with a ruler. i make him wear a collar. hot.

neal - oh, i am all about getting knocked up. the sooner i do that, the sooner i can dump him and get child support that i can buy new shoes with. i love new shoes.

niolk - i don't know what you domestic violence males wear over there but a wifebeater here is just a white tankt-oppy undershirt thing. i swear, if i ever got beat up by a guy wearing a vest, i would have to shoot myself in the face.

12:32 PM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

I hope you know that you two will now be cursed with stumpy children.

12:56 PM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

Look at you being all sweet. Congrats on a year! That is really exciting. I hope you celebrate the way god intended with some steak, the slip n' slide, booze and lots of dish washing.

8:04 AM  
Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Blah blah blah. How big is his schlong? That's the only true measure of a man.

8:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Пристрастие – это сословие души, и иметь лишь человеку, как образу Божьему. А мы знаем, что Саваоф перекусить любовь. Привязанность – это нормальное добро человека.Раньше про увлечение между мужчиной и женщиной не говорили вообще. Изъявлять об этом стали в аристократических кругах, начитавшись французской литературы.Виктор Дещенко - Сколько такое любовь?В прежние времена говорили не «я его люблю», а «я его жалею». Слово «увлечение» слышалось в храме, а не дома. Значит ли это, что не было любви? Нет. Само слово «жалею» означает, сколько что-то жалит человека, уязвляет, т.е. я нахожусь сообразно отношению в состоянии боли ради этого человека. Вот она какая, настоящая любовь. Так индивид определял свое чувствование к невесте (жениху) – жажда помочь, сопричастности его жизни и страданиям. Прислуга сочувствует муке другого человека, поэтому говорит «я его (её) жалею». Т.е. любовь проявляется тогда, если человек хочет и не может не разделить печаль любимого человека, когда его проблемы становятся твоими собственными. Когда этого отрицание, то это уже изображение нелюбви. [url=]строительный портал казань[/url]

12:59 PM  

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